3/30/2010

Wishing my brain had a "stop thinking" button that I could turn on and off. Its exhuasting combating your fear every second of the day. And just when you begin to forget about it, oop! something else appears and reminds me of the exact thing I was trying to forget about. The closest thing to a button I guess would be sleep. Which probably explains why I like doing this alot but then when you can't sleep, thats when problems become even more apparent. That button sure would come in handy.

3/29/2010

Everyday it seems like I go through a process of thought. Reflection if you will, or conversation in my head of things that I think about and learn from through out the day. However my thought process for today is over and done and I am left with nothing else to do but wonder why he's not talking to me... and watch cable television... or read.

I often feel like I'm not pretty enough for him. I keep thinking about when I saw him play his acoustic set at the Cavern. He didn't really invite me. Just told me he was playing. I didn't understand why he even told me about it if he didn't want me to show up. But he knew I would go and I did. He didn't even say hi... wouldn't even look at me until I went outside to smoke a cigarette and all he said was "I dont want to talk tonite". Thats fine. I can respect that. He was hanging out with the bar tender. I rediculously gorgous blonde. Natural blonde. Long blonde. Wish I had been the bar tender.

3/28/2010

I owe my life to my brother. He helped me quit smoking cigarettes. Its been about 6 months now. He leaves for the Army tomorrow. I'm sad.

3/17/2010

I went shopping with my grandmother today. Her name is Judy but I call her Mimi. I've called her that ever since I was little. While we were at one of our usuall shops, I found myself in a bind as I browsed the shoe isle. There was a lady to my left trying on several differnt pairs of sandals. I could see out of the corner of my eye that they were all too big for her. I was wearing a pewter color pair of sandals quite similar to the ones she was trying on. They would have been perfect for her! Size 5.5 is hard to find these days, especially if one is on a hurry or doesn't have extra money to be spending. I wanted to give her my shoes. I paid full price for them at a larger department store near by. Maybe even over paid, I rarely pay full price. As I looked over the rack of sandals in front of me, I found a pair that were close to the ones I had on but in a different print... I seemed to like them better than the ones I was wearing. This gave me even more reason as to why I should give the lady next to me the pair I had on! Me and the strange stood side by side frivorously trying on several pairs, not being satisfied with our current state. I took my shoes off and sat them off to the side, hoping that if she really did want them she would just take them from the pile we had of tried on sandals. Or atleast ask me where I got them or comment on if she liked them. But she never said anything so I put them back on bought the other pair with a different print to take home as well! I probably should have commented on the shoes she was wearing and played it off like I wanted them and asked her to trade but I didn't think of it fast enough at that particular moment. We stodd side by side playing cat and mouse for a bit and she finally became too frustrated in not finding a pair that would fit and she walked off. I felt sad, like either I wasn't playing right or just the fact that she wasn't... can't say but I really wanted to give her my shoes. Maybe I lacked the amount of faith to take them off and leave them at the store... but to walk out barefoot? Would that be socially acceptable. Mimi said that would have been rediculuos, that they were my shoes and I earned them.


Shoes are my forte. Mimi's too. If a girl can't find clothes, she can find shoes... and if she can't find shoes- well then, she can find sunglasses!