9/24/09

Once while attending my regular church at the time, I heard a sermon from a guest speaker they had while I was attending a conference. His name was Jay Bakker, son to Tammy Faye and Jim Bakker (evangelist seen on the local Christian Network). Otherwords, Christian Celebrities whose lives had been on close watch and exposed on teevision worldwide for years. But that statement in itself is not a topic I would like to go into detail about right now. However, I'm going to touch base on a sermon I heard from Jay. He said something so profound that I has stuck with me for the past three years and I often ponder the phrase. He said something along the lines of "Being someones friend because you're "supposed" to as a Christian, and loving them, in all sincerity, isn't the true love of Christ."

When he said that it blew my mind. I never thought about having a calling or duty as a Christian to befriend someone just because it was my "job". He said that he had met many Christians growing up who in the end turned out that they didn't much care for WHO HE WAS they just felt like it was their duty to befriend him. Now I have reached a point in my walk with God... and I'm almost paranoid you could say that my fellow brethren, regarldless if they love me or not, are their to help me but is it the ME that I really am that leads one to connect to another? Or else why would God have you in the same place as the other if it wasn't his calling or will for the two to have the same ideal of God, the ultimate. Alpha and Omega as the same God and in return find that love within each other.

I want to love and be loved for the uniqueness God has given to me and others.

Is agape love something that causes one to grit their teeth when they have to be around someone to love even though they can't stand being in their presense? I dont know. Does God work like that? Does My God work that way? I mean, I can't stand alot of things in my family but I still love them. Now... I dont force myself to love them. I ask God to change that in me and be open and accepting to his will for the person or situation.

Is agape love the type we have for family and others around us, including the one that God has designed us to be with. Or is that love between the two something different. Are we called to "help" other brothers and sisters because we are supposed to or because we want to or because we truly love them? And then at what point does that agape love change... or does it? Some thing I have yet to figure out, hoping God will reveal some sort of answer soon. I'm blaming it on the fact that I am female.

Oh... and refuring back to one of my previous post about the Justice system in Texas. Only God is the true Justifier. We have faith in Him to restore our short comings and bing Justice to where it is due. Man is simple human, fallable on or at command... to try his best and regulate with as much good as possible to help us along our path. It took me a year to realize the true importance of authority in America. And what it really is.

9/12/09

I think truly finding God and understanding it is alot for a person to feel and once they are blown away, emotionally wrecked... there should be some slight form of prize or reward... Heaven?

9/12/09

I've contemplated suicide several times. For some people they may hear this from someone and think that statement is so absurd. For others, well... In my opinion we've all been there. Or atleast at some point in your life you should feel completely helpless. For some this time may be as a small child. For for the child that has been granted everything they have ever needed or even wanted, this feeling of helplessness is hard to find or understand.

As a person of innocense grows, their understanding and lack of intelligence can hold them back from obtaining or overcoming larger obstacles in life that they feel they need to accomplish to fulfill their destiny. When one feels that have gone beyond lengths time and time again and tried to get that true feeling of happyness and a spirit of love back, and then just comes back feeling empty. This is when Maslow's Heiarchy of needs starts to tumble and instead of feeling fear or anger... true helplessness sets in one truly deeply wants to end the pain and suffering they feel. Like a wounded animal that has been shot and would just rather somone come snap its neck off because they dager they feel in the heart just isn't killing fast enough and the pain is too much to endure.

There are several forms of suicide. Otherwise known as the 7 deadly sins. You can contemplate, fantasize, act in it or just wish it would happen or that by some fate God would just make it all go away.

When I become selfish is when fear sets in and blocks off all contection to God.

I become fearful when I dont feel justice.

When I recieve justice I am humbled.

When I am humbled I am broken and want to be fixed and put back the right way.

How do I do that? I can't. Just have faith that God will do it. Now, If I allow him to take hold maybe I'll turn into the wonderful little princess that I fantasize about. But I know I'm not royalty. I gave that up years ago when I made a choice to have sex and drink more than a good girl should.

However, I would be truley grateful to know love. True love from someone else who may give a damn and who may have gone through these same feelings that I have. I love my parents and I KNOW they love me but thats not the kind of love I'm talking about.

Actually, what is love? Selflessly caring for someone else? Being willing to die for what it is you believe? Yes. I think both of these statements are some forms of love. Not doing what you want but doing what you need.

Freedom and luxury are ideals of the human mind, and America, that maybe my mind cannot fully comprehend as of now. Hell, I can barely understand politics at 23.

I think truly finding God and understanding it is alot for a person to feel and once they are blown away, emotionally wrecked... there should be some slight form of prize or reward. Or annoitment to some kind of higher level of some sort.

9/11/09

I didn't quite comprehend Christianity until I was in my early 20's. My family taught me that I was a Christian, as a child. We attended church and my mother's father was a Pastor of a church of the Baptist faith. We would attend his church quite frequently as well. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was five years old. I remember an older boy at my Grandpa's church getting Baptized. Me, being the curious little girl, wanted this to happen to me as well. My parents had me attending child classes ("children's church") since I was a baby pretty much and there I learned several Bible stories and teachings about the faith. At a young age I learned that I was going to Heaven and I would have eternal life. What exactly that meant I wasn't quite sure. But I knew that God loved me for accepting Jesus. After telling my Mom that I wanted to become a Christian, she sat me down with my Grandpa and they both told me what a serious decision it would be. Then he prayed with me and I asked Jesus to come into my heart. The Baptism took place at my Grandpa's church. My Mom says that she knows I was sincere in my decision because immediatley afterward I asked her if my younger brother would be going to heaven too. For the longest time this was my justification for believing in the fact that I was a Christian and I was saved. You could say that I relied on that for the basis of my faith for the majority of my adolesnce.