I've contemplated suicide several times. For some people they may hear this from someone and think that statement is so absurd. For others, well... In my opinion we've all been there. Or atleast at some point in your life you should feel completely helpless. For some this time may be as a small child. For for the child that has been granted everything they have ever needed or even wanted, this feeling of helplessness is hard to find or understand.
As a person of innocense grows, their understanding and lack of intelligence can hold them back from obtaining or overcoming larger obstacles in life that they feel they need to accomplish to fulfill their destiny. When one feels that have gone beyond lengths time and time again and tried to get that true feeling of happyness and a spirit of love back, and then just comes back feeling empty. This is when Maslow's Heiarchy of needs starts to tumble and instead of feeling fear or anger... true helplessness sets in one truly deeply wants to end the pain and suffering they feel. Like a wounded animal that has been shot and would just rather somone come snap its neck off because they dager they feel in the heart just isn't killing fast enough and the pain is too much to endure.
There are several forms of suicide. Otherwise known as the 7 deadly sins. You can contemplate, fantasize, act in it or just wish it would happen or that by some fate God would just make it all go away.
When I become selfish is when fear sets in and blocks off all contection to God.
I become fearful when I dont feel justice.
When I recieve justice I am humbled.
When I am humbled I am broken and want to be fixed and put back the right way.
How do I do that? I can't. Just have faith that God will do it. Now, If I allow him to take hold maybe I'll turn into the wonderful little princess that I fantasize about. But I know I'm not royalty. I gave that up years ago when I made a choice to have sex and drink more than a good girl should.
However, I would be truley grateful to know love. True love from someone else who may give a damn and who may have gone through these same feelings that I have. I love my parents and I KNOW they love me but thats not the kind of love I'm talking about.
Actually, what is love? Selflessly caring for someone else? Being willing to die for what it is you believe? Yes. I think both of these statements are some forms of love. Not doing what you want but doing what you need.
Freedom and luxury are ideals of the human mind, and America, that maybe my mind cannot fully comprehend as of now. Hell, I can barely understand politics at 23.
I think truly finding God and understanding it is alot for a person to feel and once they are blown away, emotionally wrecked... there should be some slight form of prize or reward. Or annoitment to some kind of higher level of some sort.
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