I am constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. Why? And to who? Are people really watching or following me? Are they listening to me through my computer?! Watching me through the television? Why would this God, of my understanding, help me through so much struggle, reveal himself, and then become too complex? I'm to the point where insanity slips in! Unhappyness and a total loss of self are my feelings at this time. All because I feel God reveals Himself and becomes more visible in my life which enables me to gain better knowledge of my surroundings. But with knowledge, it leads me to question more things. I am once again insecure and unhappy. Then I have to sit back and remember all of the promises that have come true, everything I have witnessed helps me keep my Faith. Finding that medium or balance of knowledge and faith brings justice into our lives. It seems alot of the trouble I've been in stems from being too stupid! I always think that if I had paid more attention to things in the past or listened more that I would be smarter today or something... But, we all do "stupid" things and those little mistakes can set you back 2 weeks or spring you forward ten years. It's quite odd. The whole idea of time is quite odd. But I try not to dwell on the past, that leads me off path. It is learning from the past that make a "stupid mistake" nonexistant.
I want to be myself today and expirience life on life's terms- I want to endeavor every moment. At this present time... haha, it's another AA meeting.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
10/7/09
I was discharged from Recovery Healthcare today. It has been a year of classes three times a week, AA, meetings with my sponsor and counselor, my monthly appearence with the Dallas Court System and not to mention my Probation Officer. I'm anxious. I feel that I have fought through all of this to maintain my self. My true self. I've battled mental anguish and pain. And I say that lightly because I dont see myself as a profound dramatic person. I think we all expirience those feelings just on different levels of intensity. Something may be terribly extreme to one but cliche to another. I've had thoughts of "What's the point?" and Ideas of suicide. At one point I had the theory (and its funny because I met someone at AA who had the same thought) that I actually had died the night of my arrest and everything I was reluctantly going through the motions of was actually Hell. That my life had become a true living Hell. If you have seen the movie Wristcutters then you know exactly what I am talking about. The theory is based along those same lines. And now that I'm thinking about it, I hope that by watching that movie it didn't develope or curb my perception on reality. Probably not... just was revealed to me in a more symbolic, artistic way of understanding.
My constant prayer has now become, not the serenity prayer, but, "Dear God, Please show me your greatness today. Reveal to me something new, something worth living for."
Posessions and "stuff" are only survival tools of the world but whats the point of a toolbox if you never need to use your tools? Things wont make you happy... well maybe for a short time... but its what you do with those things or tools that can bring you happyness. Your intent I should say. Because even happyness and contemptment can will last for so long. But to live in Joy. That is one of the greatest accomplishments of being on this earth. I believe in living a harmonious life is our purpose on this earth. In your mind, spirit, and with the world around you. Joy in knowing that you are living your life to it's full potential. Being able to sleep at night knowing that you made the right decisions during that day and honored God in the process.
Now I should speak more about my faith. The only way I can explain or describe "faith" is that its an ideology, thought, or belief which proves itself to be true in your life. As it is a thought or idea that is not seen, not physical or tangible, but something in your life that you cannot doubt or question. For example, the idea of Santa Clause. We all know the story of the jolly fat man who lives at the Northpole with lots of Elves who make toys and then sneak down your chimney on Christmas Eve and give them to all the good little children in the world. Just because you are taught to believe that as a child, doesn't neccesarily mean that old man with rosie cheeks and a large beard is the one eating those cookies you left out for him that special night. The story or belief in Santa Clause is just the story or image of the thought process. In actuality you have the faith of Santa even though you can't see him and he may not be the way you imagined him but regardless you still get those gifts in the morning. This is a simple and not so good example but as a child you have the imagination or faith that Santa Clause is real, even though we know it is just a story, the spirit of Santa does exist and I guess that is the basic way to explain Christmas... or touch base about faith in general.
The opposite of Faith is Fear. And why would anyone want to live their life constantly being doubtful of their existance? It's exhausting! I have done my fair share of living in fear and its the most confusing, depressing state of mind. I'm deffinately not saying that I have it all figured out- the universe, God, Jesus Christ! Love, Heaven or Hell. But I will say that at age 23 I am finally comfortable with the person that I am today and believe that God is the ultimate judger and only I can do so much. 90% of the time I am putting my hands up and asking God to lead me in the right direction because if I tried to figure constantly figure out what was best for me, I would be living in Hell (this leads me to my next theory of Self Destrution). We are instilled with moral value and ethics but I think we find our beliefs along the path of life and its how we share them that intertwine our lives.
I believe that everyone has a different perception of life, and that perception is what creates our reality. Faith is the basis of this reality. Considering that we are spiritual people, we defer right from wrong. And with that knowledge is enlightenment which brings you closer to God, that alone is between yourself and God. If you follow, He will lead.
Now, due to my lack of making better choices... I have to attend a Mother's Against Drunk Driving seminar to finish off my probation period.
My constant prayer has now become, not the serenity prayer, but, "Dear God, Please show me your greatness today. Reveal to me something new, something worth living for."
Posessions and "stuff" are only survival tools of the world but whats the point of a toolbox if you never need to use your tools? Things wont make you happy... well maybe for a short time... but its what you do with those things or tools that can bring you happyness. Your intent I should say. Because even happyness and contemptment can will last for so long. But to live in Joy. That is one of the greatest accomplishments of being on this earth. I believe in living a harmonious life is our purpose on this earth. In your mind, spirit, and with the world around you. Joy in knowing that you are living your life to it's full potential. Being able to sleep at night knowing that you made the right decisions during that day and honored God in the process.
Now I should speak more about my faith. The only way I can explain or describe "faith" is that its an ideology, thought, or belief which proves itself to be true in your life. As it is a thought or idea that is not seen, not physical or tangible, but something in your life that you cannot doubt or question. For example, the idea of Santa Clause. We all know the story of the jolly fat man who lives at the Northpole with lots of Elves who make toys and then sneak down your chimney on Christmas Eve and give them to all the good little children in the world. Just because you are taught to believe that as a child, doesn't neccesarily mean that old man with rosie cheeks and a large beard is the one eating those cookies you left out for him that special night. The story or belief in Santa Clause is just the story or image of the thought process. In actuality you have the faith of Santa even though you can't see him and he may not be the way you imagined him but regardless you still get those gifts in the morning. This is a simple and not so good example but as a child you have the imagination or faith that Santa Clause is real, even though we know it is just a story, the spirit of Santa does exist and I guess that is the basic way to explain Christmas... or touch base about faith in general.
The opposite of Faith is Fear. And why would anyone want to live their life constantly being doubtful of their existance? It's exhausting! I have done my fair share of living in fear and its the most confusing, depressing state of mind. I'm deffinately not saying that I have it all figured out- the universe, God, Jesus Christ! Love, Heaven or Hell. But I will say that at age 23 I am finally comfortable with the person that I am today and believe that God is the ultimate judger and only I can do so much. 90% of the time I am putting my hands up and asking God to lead me in the right direction because if I tried to figure constantly figure out what was best for me, I would be living in Hell (this leads me to my next theory of Self Destrution). We are instilled with moral value and ethics but I think we find our beliefs along the path of life and its how we share them that intertwine our lives.
I believe that everyone has a different perception of life, and that perception is what creates our reality. Faith is the basis of this reality. Considering that we are spiritual people, we defer right from wrong. And with that knowledge is enlightenment which brings you closer to God, that alone is between yourself and God. If you follow, He will lead.
Now, due to my lack of making better choices... I have to attend a Mother's Against Drunk Driving seminar to finish off my probation period.
10/3/09
Once you start to understand yourself, you start to understand the world around you... once you begin to understand the world around you, you begin to understand yourself... and when you begin to understand yourself, you start to understand the world around you... and so on...
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