Saturday, July 16, 2011

07/16/2011

Sometimes I get really mad and it's just because I've been hurt.

Monday, June 27, 2011

06/27/2011

I think that keeping the past in the past is the best thing for me. Does that mean I give up on all the good times I've had and just forget about them all? Theoretically, to achieve new happyness... yes. But thats almost impossible. However, what's not impossible is putting away all of the bad times and negative things that have left me bitter and angry. Just tucking those away and forgetting will help me to keep growing on a possitive level. If I keep holding grudges and remembering all the times I've been hurt, that's all I'm going to get out of life. I'll start hurting people and making them feel just like me which will make me feel hurt and it'll turn into one big cycle of hurt, angry, bitterness. That I dont need, no one needs. And in hopes... others will do the same thing with all the stupid shit I have done to them.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

06/26/2011

Its hard for me to explain the way I felt when I saw the photo on Josh's Facebook of him and his then/now girlfriend. Complete humiliation maybe. Devistation even... that everything I had believed was completely false. I felt I gave everything to sobriety, to loving Josh, to listening to him, his music, his voice. Thought he was going to come sweep me off my feet. Thought he actually cared about me and loved me just as much in return. Then when I saw the photos of them together, everything changed. I grew even more bitter and angry then I had before. Literally like my heart was ripped out of my chest and served to me on a cold platter... for the second time. The girl he's with is gorgeous, I can't even compete, and all of my inadequecies turn me into one big basket case. This is how apathy has set in and left me lonely. Not only do I not care about all the women he has fallen in love with, I've stopped caring about my life, my future, my circumstances, school, friends, etc. ... this is not good. Really bad things happen when one does this.

Again, falling out of love with him is something new for me and can be quite scary. It's a completey new life, new way of thinking and decision making that I haven't quite been able to jump into.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

06/23/2011

I dont know what love is. I'm finally going to admit to that.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

06/22/2011

I've decided that I should start writing down my dreams. Mainly when they are interesting or if I feel they have some sort of meaning. Here we go... last night it felt like this dream lasted the entire night from the time I fell asleep to the time I woke up, even after sleeping through my alarm: I had rekindled my friendship with my old best friend Erin, it seemed like she was living across the street from me in a huge house. Kind of with her family but in a seperate house. Or maybe she just financially supported them. Not sure. But she had become divorced Lesbian who caoched a prestigious cheerleader coach for some really good sports team who made alot of money. We were older and somehow Josh was working for her. Valley or maybe as an assistant. Dreams are foggy like that sometimes. Erin and I were together alot and it seemed like Josh was constantly around watching us. It seemed like he was annoyed and wouldn't talk to me, kind of ignoring me. But I could tell he didnt have a girlfriend so I was still hopeful when I was around him. Then suddenly Erin kissed me and asked if I was serious about starting a relationship. This through me for a loop and I didn't know what to think. Although I remember loving the feeling that she was serious about being with me and had forgiven me and wanted to love me again. I woke up smiling and feeling really weird.

Monday, June 20, 2011

06/20/2011

Jealousy and bitterness is just something that I have to overcome. I need to get over myself and move on. Regardless if Josh loves me or not.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

06/16/2011

We bleached my hair at school. I wanted to be blonde again. We bleached it three times and now it is a nice shade of pink... kind of a corally- neon-orange- pink. Everyone at school said I look like a highlighter its so bright. It was kind of an accident really. I blame my teacher but it has deffinately gotten me more attention then I'd imagine. It's supposed to be a temporary color. It'll wash out I'm sure. I've always wanted pink hair. But it probably wont last long and I'll keep it blonde or dye it back dark again.

And my cravings for alcohol are off and on. I'm trying not to dwell on it, I really dont care. I've become apathetic these days. To drink or not to drink, I don't care. I just can't fuck up anymore.


Someone is smoking too much... my chest hurts. This is why I quit.