I'm not hearing Josh as clearly as I should. He apparently thinks im crazy. I was at a popular kareoke bar the night of his birthday and accidentally got overly drunk. I was nervous he would be there but doubted that he would show up for kareoke considering I think he's alot cooler than that. He was with a girl that looked identical to the girl he left me for a few years back... the longer they stayed together throughout the night, the drunker I got. I blacked out after my third drink. I should have left earlier in the night but my perspective of our relationship I guess, I have percieved all wrong. In his mind completely wrong...? Yet he still refuses to confront me in person. I wanted him to talk to me. Maybe I'm dreaming? I passed out on the hood of someones car and got kicked out of the bar. I really dont care. I feel like everything is different now. I woke up on a friend's couch and kept reflecting on the previous night through out the day. It finally hit me that the girl he was with, was or is his now time, past or present girlfriend and they staged the entire event to sadistically humiliate me or being there in hopes that I would bring him the album I have of all the old photos of him from years back. I wanted to give these to him as a gift. Coming upon this epiphany, it changes my entire feelings towards him considering that he sent me a text message telling me that I was out of my mind and to stay away from him. I sent him one back telling him to get over himself. WE ALL have had bad drunken nights and fits. Im sure I acted retarded but he could have easily stopped me or gone somewhere else for the night. At this point I feel like I should move on but turning off your feelings just isn't that easy. All in all, I was pissed and bitter that he didn't invite and or include me and I had every right to get beligerant... he's lucky that I didn't take my clothes off.
Two things I need in life: honesty and the ability to accept intimacy.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
8/04/2010
I love being at home when my Mom and Dad get off work and having the feeling that my body is being raped by their mind. NOT. Anytime they are happy or aroused... even just from eating, I become stimulated. It's extrememly uncomfortable. It's not supposed to be that way. Especially at 24.
It's not in the conscious mind that its happening but being recognized in. For instance my Father, I don't hear him saying things to me, but in the physical sense I can feel them. His auroa is rubbing off on me, literally. I can feel it in the spiritual. Even though he's not physically around me... I can feel and visualize his presence without me physically being close to him. I'm sure, if you're a girl and you have a dad then you know what I'm talking about. Or even if you're a guy and you feel as connected to your parents. It's just really annoying and I feel violated. Since I was younger, didn't know how to recognize it... or what the awkward feelings were, now I do and I feel taken advantage of and even manipulated at times. Even if it comes naturally the whole family bond ties spiritually. However, I still don't agree that a daughter should be this close to her father or brother physically. It would be easier if I could move out.
It's not in the conscious mind that its happening but being recognized in. For instance my Father, I don't hear him saying things to me, but in the physical sense I can feel them. His auroa is rubbing off on me, literally. I can feel it in the spiritual. Even though he's not physically around me... I can feel and visualize his presence without me physically being close to him. I'm sure, if you're a girl and you have a dad then you know what I'm talking about. Or even if you're a guy and you feel as connected to your parents. It's just really annoying and I feel violated. Since I was younger, didn't know how to recognize it... or what the awkward feelings were, now I do and I feel taken advantage of and even manipulated at times. Even if it comes naturally the whole family bond ties spiritually. However, I still don't agree that a daughter should be this close to her father or brother physically. It would be easier if I could move out.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
8/03/2010
The first thing I heard when I got up this morning was "Last night was nothing but a waste of money." I remember falling asleep in the back of some dudes car before dropping me off at a friend's house. The night was exhuasting. Me and a friend of mine saw a pretty hip band play at this club in a different city. It was packed, smokey, and I could barely breathe. They banned smoking in bars now but I guess this one wasn't playing by the rules. The set was good, music was really good but the entire night just had a weird feel. I saw lots of people I knew.. some I knew well, some I hadn't seen in awhile. I spent most of the night in line at the bar and if not in line at the bar then sitting outside conversing and enjoying the music. I wore heels again. I stopped wearing them when I go to work, they have begun to make my ankle hurt.. I dont know why. I used to wear really tall ones at work all the time. Now it just feels weird. Maybe they aren't the right ones.
Josh's 25th birthday is in a few days, I dont know what to do. I want to make him a cake. And cook him dinner. And have sex with him.
P.s.
they sent me a letter saying they cancelled my car insurance due to my license being revoked because I still can't afford to pay off all the fees from my DWI in 2007.
Josh's 25th birthday is in a few days, I dont know what to do. I want to make him a cake. And cook him dinner. And have sex with him.
P.s.
they sent me a letter saying they cancelled my car insurance due to my license being revoked because I still can't afford to pay off all the fees from my DWI in 2007.
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