Tuesday, August 10, 2010

8/10/2010

I'm not hearing Josh as clearly as I should. He apparently thinks im crazy. I was at a popular kareoke bar the night of his birthday and accidentally got overly drunk. I was nervous he would be there but doubted that he would show up for kareoke considering I think he's alot cooler than that. He was with a girl that looked identical to the girl he left me for a few years back... the longer they stayed together throughout the night, the drunker I got. I blacked out after my third drink. I should have left earlier in the night but my perspective of our relationship I guess, I have percieved all wrong. In his mind completely wrong...? Yet he still refuses to confront me in person. I wanted him to talk to me. Maybe I'm dreaming? I passed out on the hood of someones car and got kicked out of the bar. I really dont care. I feel like everything is different now. I woke up on a friend's couch and kept reflecting on the previous night through out the day. It finally hit me that the girl he was with, was or is his now time, past or present girlfriend and they staged the entire event to sadistically humiliate me or being there in hopes that I would bring him the album I have of all the old photos of him from years back. I wanted to give these to him as a gift. Coming upon this epiphany, it changes my entire feelings towards him considering that he sent me a text message telling me that I was out of my mind and to stay away from him. I sent him one back telling him to get over himself. WE ALL have had bad drunken nights and fits. Im sure I acted retarded but he could have easily stopped me or gone somewhere else for the night. At this point I feel like I should move on but turning off your feelings just isn't that easy. All in all, I was pissed and bitter that he didn't invite and or include me and I had every right to get beligerant... he's lucky that I didn't take my clothes off.

Two things I need in life: honesty and the ability to accept intimacy.

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