So I am at yet another AA meeting. As soon as I walk in, a man who was just released from prison asks me for the groups telephone number and I politely give it to him. Yet he insisted on carrying a conversation with me and it took all I had just to respond back in a nice tone, I was a bitch, I dont like talking to strangers. Especially 50 year old men who were just released from prison. Oh! And to top it off, at the same time that guy was talking to me, a younger boy walks in and asks to speak to me "privately". Feeling completely awkward like my boundaries has been pressed against, I oblidge and speak with him. I get out of my seat and walk closer to him... but not too close (because I have this imaginary telephone booth that I keep with me wherever I go and you aren't allowed inside unless I invite you) and he apalogizes for inviting me to Six Flags with him a few weeks prior for July 4th. We met July 3rd at the same meeting hadn't seen or spoke before or after until this very moment. I dont spend holidays with strangers. Especially ones I meet at AA. Thanks. I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't that big of a deal. I didn't really know why he was apalogizing to me to be honest. I hadn't gotten mad at him when he invited me. I just said "Thanks man, but that's allright... I'll find something else to do."
Does that make me a Bitch? Probably. I dont know.
But it also makes me feel extremely uneasy to think about spending a day at Six Flags with some random dude I met at AA.
As he was apalogizing I couldnt help stare at his blue eyes, blonde hair, silver hoop earrings and bad tattoos. I felt bad for the guy I really did. I wanted to go Six Flags with him, I wanted to make him happy! Really I did. Looking into his eyes I could see how hurt he was and I wanted to fix him desperately but I also knew that it wasn't my job. Someone else needed to be there. Maybe the dude from prison could help him out. Shit, I dont know. It was akward as Hell and I had to get out of there.
I felt bad. Many situations like that one keep happening to me at the AA meetings I attend.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
7/29/09
I fell in love when I was 16. Guess you could say it was love at first sight. I had a boyfriend at the time. He was the kind of boyfriend that was almost "perfect". I met him in band class in the 6th grade. We maintained a friendship all the wat through highschool and at one point I thought I was going to marry him. But you dont want to marry someone that you aren't in love with. That's what I believe. I fell in love with a boy that I didn't even know. But when he walked in the room- I said to myself that I wanted to marry him. Not even knowing what God had in store for me, I would come to find out that he felt the same way too. Or so I thought. Or so I still believe. This is the only way I know how to explain Faith. Believing something you have found to be true, in your heart, even if you can't see it. This boy, or man, soon to be 24, will barely hold a conversation with me. Sometimes I blame him for my insanity but that's not fair. You can't blame your mentality on someone else's feelings. I have been wrong for placing him before everything in my life. Or have I? It has brought me closer to God. Galatians says that "God is Love". It has deffinately been a long, humbeling, rocky road. The more I grow spiritually, the closer I feel I am becoming to him. Or closer to or more like Jesus.
I was raised in a middle class, conservative, Christian family with Baptist/ Pentacost roots. This has made me who I am today. However, my parents faith is not exactly the same as mine. Generation to generation there is a revolution and a change, or expansion in the brain. As intelligence is a progression of the mind, faith and spirituality are as well and evolve within culture and belief. It is what you do with that change of Faith, no matter how similar or different it may be- to maintain your relationship with God (as you understand Him... or It).
I was raised in a middle class, conservative, Christian family with Baptist/ Pentacost roots. This has made me who I am today. However, my parents faith is not exactly the same as mine. Generation to generation there is a revolution and a change, or expansion in the brain. As intelligence is a progression of the mind, faith and spirituality are as well and evolve within culture and belief. It is what you do with that change of Faith, no matter how similar or different it may be- to maintain your relationship with God (as you understand Him... or It).
7/24/09
One of the first things I want to touch base about is how unjust the Justice System is. The only reason I say this is because "guilty until proven innocent" is the motto they stand by- and they dont play when they say it, they mean it. If officers are overwhelmed with clients, over worked and underpaid, then why are they wasting their time with an innocent person? Is it kind of like when you are in grade school and the teacher or coach is the hardest on the brightest student or player? I'm hoping so because this has been the biggest test of my sanity thus far in my life. Now at 23 years I question alot more things in life, more than I ever had before.
Here are a few examples:
1.) Am I the only one who thinks about these things?
2.) Should I have realized this 5 years ago?
3.) Am I a "late bloomer"?
4.) Does that make me retarted?
5.) Can an idioit-savant really exist?
If so, what does that phrase really mean? These are just a few of the things I have been asking myself lately, pretty much on a daily basis.
Here are a few examples:
1.) Am I the only one who thinks about these things?
2.) Should I have realized this 5 years ago?
3.) Am I a "late bloomer"?
4.) Does that make me retarted?
5.) Can an idioit-savant really exist?
If so, what does that phrase really mean? These are just a few of the things I have been asking myself lately, pretty much on a daily basis.
July 2009
So it's early July and I've been sober for about 60 days now. I'm sitting at yet another AA meeting and theres an old guy going on and on... telling his story, his road to sobriety. I respect him very much for his time and compassion on the topic but I'm 23, I've worked an 8 hour shift, I hate my work attire, I'm sitting in a room full of strangers and all I want to do is go home and be with the person I'm in love with.
While I sit at these meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, the ones I have to attend atleast 3 times a week, the ones I've been attending for the past 6 months, that I'll have to keep attending for the next 4... my thoughts begin to race- I'll think about everything. How uncomfortable I am, what it is I need to be doing, what I did wrong that day and how to rectify the situation, what I did or didn't eat... whether or not I should snag some of the "free" coffee they provide. What bills I need to be paying and what can wait.
Now this brings up the topic of Probation. Specifically, Probation problems that I've run into. I go into the Dallas court house and have a Urinary Analysis done atleast once a month. It used to be twice a month but I have now been on Probation for 9 months and there is a problem with my piss being too clear, diluted they say. I'm sitting in the court now, waiting to speak with the judge about this matter. I have re-arranged my entire life pretty much to complete this program. I have paid off my court fees, paid off my lawyer, now all I lack are my probation fees and my extremely large bill with Recovery Healthcare (outpatient treatment center, which is more like a class I have to attend 3 times a week), on top of what I owe my family.
I feel as if I have catered my life to all of these people, of whom I owe a great deal of gratitude to. Yet I am frustrated that I am changing for the better and still seem to get punished, even when I am doing everything that I'm supposed to do. That means driving a 1989 Honda Accord with no A/C and a broken window that won't roll up all the way, a breatherlizer (interlock) device that I have to blow into to start my car and repeats its beeping noise so I have to blow into it about every 15 minutes, attend AA meetings 3 times a week, visit my probation officer and have a UA taken atleast once a month and appear in the Dallas County Court twice a month as part of the entire DWI court system program. This leads me as to why I am at the courthouse at 9:30 AM when I have to be at work at 1:30 PM. My pee is too clear and they think that I am hiding something. I thank them greatly for everything I have learned about myself in this program but now it's like they are beating a dead horse. I am doing nothing wrong and I still fee as though I am being punished. However, sitting here is allowing me to write all of this down. Now is really the time that I am preparing myself mentally to go back into the real world. My probation will be over in 3 months. I have to admit that I am nervous.
While I sit at these meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, the ones I have to attend atleast 3 times a week, the ones I've been attending for the past 6 months, that I'll have to keep attending for the next 4... my thoughts begin to race- I'll think about everything. How uncomfortable I am, what it is I need to be doing, what I did wrong that day and how to rectify the situation, what I did or didn't eat... whether or not I should snag some of the "free" coffee they provide. What bills I need to be paying and what can wait.
Now this brings up the topic of Probation. Specifically, Probation problems that I've run into. I go into the Dallas court house and have a Urinary Analysis done atleast once a month. It used to be twice a month but I have now been on Probation for 9 months and there is a problem with my piss being too clear, diluted they say. I'm sitting in the court now, waiting to speak with the judge about this matter. I have re-arranged my entire life pretty much to complete this program. I have paid off my court fees, paid off my lawyer, now all I lack are my probation fees and my extremely large bill with Recovery Healthcare (outpatient treatment center, which is more like a class I have to attend 3 times a week), on top of what I owe my family.
I feel as if I have catered my life to all of these people, of whom I owe a great deal of gratitude to. Yet I am frustrated that I am changing for the better and still seem to get punished, even when I am doing everything that I'm supposed to do. That means driving a 1989 Honda Accord with no A/C and a broken window that won't roll up all the way, a breatherlizer (interlock) device that I have to blow into to start my car and repeats its beeping noise so I have to blow into it about every 15 minutes, attend AA meetings 3 times a week, visit my probation officer and have a UA taken atleast once a month and appear in the Dallas County Court twice a month as part of the entire DWI court system program. This leads me as to why I am at the courthouse at 9:30 AM when I have to be at work at 1:30 PM. My pee is too clear and they think that I am hiding something. I thank them greatly for everything I have learned about myself in this program but now it's like they are beating a dead horse. I am doing nothing wrong and I still fee as though I am being punished. However, sitting here is allowing me to write all of this down. Now is really the time that I am preparing myself mentally to go back into the real world. My probation will be over in 3 months. I have to admit that I am nervous.
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