July 2009

So it's early July and I've been sober for about 60 days now. I'm sitting at yet another AA meeting and theres an old guy going on and on... telling his story, his road to sobriety. I respect him very much for his time and compassion on the topic but I'm 23, I've worked an 8 hour shift, I hate my work attire, I'm sitting in a room full of strangers and all I want to do is go home and be with the person I'm in love with.

While I sit at these meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, the ones I have to attend atleast 3 times a week, the ones I've been attending for the past 6 months, that I'll have to keep attending for the next 4... my thoughts begin to race- I'll think about everything. How uncomfortable I am, what it is I need to be doing, what I did wrong that day and how to rectify the situation, what I did or didn't eat... whether or not I should snag some of the "free" coffee they provide. What bills I need to be paying and what can wait.

Now this brings up the topic of Probation. Specifically, Probation problems that I've run into. I go into the Dallas court house and have a Urinary Analysis done atleast once a month. It used to be twice a month but I have now been on Probation for 9 months and there is a problem with my piss being too clear, diluted they say. I'm sitting in the court now, waiting to speak with the judge about this matter. I have re-arranged my entire life pretty much to complete this program. I have paid off my court fees, paid off my lawyer, now all I lack are my probation fees and my extremely large bill with Recovery Healthcare (outpatient treatment center, which is more like a class I have to attend 3 times a week), on top of what I owe my family.

I feel as if I have catered my life to all of these people, of whom I owe a great deal of gratitude to. Yet I am frustrated that I am changing for the better and still seem to get punished, even when I am doing everything that I'm supposed to do. That means driving a 1989 Honda Accord with no A/C and a broken window that won't roll up all the way, a breatherlizer (interlock) device that I have to blow into to start my car and repeats its beeping noise so I have to blow into it about every 15 minutes, attend AA meetings 3 times a week, visit my probation officer and have a UA taken atleast once a month and appear in the Dallas County Court twice a month as part of the entire DWI court system program. This leads me as to why I am at the courthouse at 9:30 AM when I have to be at work at 1:30 PM. My pee is too clear and they think that I am hiding something. I thank them greatly for everything I have learned about myself in this program but now it's like they are beating a dead horse. I am doing nothing wrong and I still fee as though I am being punished. However, sitting here is allowing me to write all of this down. Now is really the time that I am preparing myself mentally to go back into the real world. My probation will be over in 3 months. I have to admit that I am nervous.