1/28/10

It's when I get mad and dwell on the things that dont go my way that seperates me from experiencing life at its fullest potential. I dont like that about me. It needs to change. Guess there's still alot about me that needs to change. Just when I think I'm all grown up! As happy as I am, I am sad. As sane as I am, I am also insane and as smart as I can be, I am just as dumb. As much as I am faithful I am fearful.

1/27/10

Is selfishness key for survival?
Or is selflessness detrimental to the holy spirit?
Both I believe.

Fear of the other girl entered when my mom came home...

1/26/10

How can you inflict harm or pain towards someone and not expect for them to reciprocate? Especially if it becomes a constant occuring event. Eventually the pain becomes intolerable and the retaliation becomes sin. Inflicting sin upon someone else who in return inflicts sin is an ongoing occurance that needs to come to an end. It hurts.

1/21/10

The idea that in order for good things to happenn in a person's life, they must initially do "good things" doesn't sit well with me. I think we ALL deserve good things. Why does the world work on an honor system? Not to say that I dont like doing good things for people, because I do. Just not necessarily what I percieve to be good is what the person next to me may think is good. Doing something just to make someone happy when you aren't fully spiritually equipt can be quite crippeling. Or if you mentally or physically don't know how to asess a specific situation... and endures punishment for it? How is that righteous? I understand that there are lessons to be learned in life, but justice is to be met as well. Once the lesson is learned, it's over, you move on- mission accomplished. We morph into something better, your situation grandious, this will allow you to prepare for the next oppurtunity so that you will be better equipt to endure.

1/12/10

Overcompensating intelligence only to find that you have been proven wrong takes a huge blow to one's ego. It shatter's my faith. I even begin to question the basic principles of Christianity that I was raised to believe. I dont think I let my head get in the way. I usually make more sense of Biblical principles when I agree with the scientific outcome. I just really dont like being lied to, that will make anyone feel retarded. Wish I could grasp any form of what is real right now.

1/10/10

I am officially living in a world without earthly signs or direction. It's become pure ambition... vanity? Would living one's life be vanity? To live. After you've given up self ambition. Survival insticts and direction make living a little bit more fun. Trying to listen to my soul. Sometimes I feel weightless. Almost like an angel. Like I'm indestrucable or something. We, everyone should feel like this in life. So is it a must for survival... Or is spiritual enlightenment a choice?

One thing I do know, I hate being ugly. More than just physical, but mentally as well. Okay, maybe not ugly... but in my head I can be quite fierce. AND if you diss my boyfriend it's the quickest way to lose my friendship. That's why I have no friends.

1/7/10

The only thing keeping me sane these days has been cooking. I really love to cook. If I only had more money or time to do it. I thoroughly enjoy and it keeps my attention. I barely sit at the computer anymore, much less watch television. And if I'm just not inspired by anything in life at the moment then its extremely hard to come up with a piece of art that I am happy with.

Its driving me nuts being at home. I think I'm going to escape to Austin for the next few days. Theres nnothing going for me out here. My job is shit hours, I dont have a boyfriend (except for the one I adore from a far), and my parents wont let me out of the house to go do anything except job hunt and buy groceries... So once again starts the crazy cycle.

About the only thing left in texas is to get married, have kids, and get fat. I dont think I'm ready for that. No way, no sir, no how... This is why I have to leave. FREEEEEDOM!

1/4/10

I'm 24 years old and contemplting running away from home. How silly is this. I feel old and retired yet my parents are still insisting on "teaching me a lesson". I have overcome so many obstacles and mental blocks over the past couple of years. I feel completely enlightened and yet no one is taking me serious. Like, what is it that I gotta do to get some recognition around here?! I know I fuck up and make mistakes but who doesn't?! Really?! Thats the way I learn! Not the only way I learn but the most effective way that I learn. Believe it or not- my brain is like a mental notepad. I can relate tons of random information into one single process of thought and make complete sense out of it! Really I can. I'm a great debator too. Thats one of the best ways to share your intelligance. I think its mind boggeling for my parents because they have no clue where I'm getting all of the information I have stored in my brain. They focus too much on the negative and over look the positive. I do the same thing too though... but now I can atleast recognize when I do things that way and stand back and try to make a change for the better.

My Dad said that I was the kind of girl that wants attention and I agreed and said that I needed a boyfriend and he got mad and yelled at me and said that no man in his right mind would touch me. Thats when I started fantasizing about how living in Austin would be such a divine idea for me right now. I should have left yesterday, I should have left tonite... maybe I'll leave tomorrow.

No matter how mad I get at my family, even when I know that they are selfishly loving me, I can't help but to feel remorefull and still loving towards them. They have always helped me and taken care of me... but they have done all they can, ya know? I need to move on and come back and help them! I feel like I'm not accomplishing things that I need to by being here, in their house night after night. They are holding me back intellectually from expiriencing more life on my own and pumping me fearful ideas that are crushing my Disney like dreams.

P.S. never go to the bar alone on New Years Eve, you'll end up taking off your shirt on the dance floor and waking up at a friends house with no recollection of the previous night's events...

1/2/10

Does higher level thought create more negative energy into your life? I'm finding this to be so. If one has feelings of doubt or fear... just those thoughts alone can create it to effect some scenario in one way or the other with the preconcieved idea that bad will come from it.