9/28/2010

I'm in the worst mood. And I can't even think straight.

9/27/2010

I looked at myself in the mirror today and said, "Oh, what a cute little boy in drag..." I feel like this alot but I laugh because I find it funny. I think it was just because my lipstick had turned a deep mauve color instead of a rustic dark red. I wiped it off and went back into the orientation I was attending for hair school. I'm home now and I'm left pondering todays events. While one side of my brain says that one must take care of ones self before taking care of others the other side of my brain says that one should take care of others before caring for oneself. I'm in search of this common ground in life or perhaps coming to a final belief system that I can agree upon for myself. I'm sure i'll figure it out, day by day.

9/21/2010

I survived my midlife crisis and I'm drinking the most amazing wine right now. Everyday my life seems to get more intense and I become more knowledgeable about myself and my surroundings... the company I was working for just pulled a number over on me and put me out on my ass. In return, I am enrolling in Cosmotology school this month. I'm already a licensed Esthetician and now I'll be able to do hair AND professional makeup. Its been months now but I'm still bitter towards managment. I recieved no call back or response. I applied for a more permamnent position in the company and was completely looked over. After being with them for the past 2 to 3 years, worked at every location, brought in high end clientel... they go and hire 3 new employees outside of the company. Three random poeple! One of which has never even had a job before in her entire life! Ugh.

9/11/2010

Finding out that my computer is nothing but a big baby monitor has changed my entire life. Realizing that there are people who can actually listen to everything going on in my room was quite scary. At first I was angry... I thought invasion of privacy, this isn't fair. Why are they even listening to me. So I just started singing. Found some recording software online and just record and sang, but this was before I knew people were listening. This is why I became angry when I found out. Then I just got over it and gave them the benefit of a doubt that whoever was listening would be trying to help me. Hopefully this turns out to be true. I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I've cried myself to sleep... and now, realizing that people, people I know, have been hearing this is pretty embarassing. I dont know where to go from here... this has been one of the few things leading up to my most recent breakdown.

9/09/2010

I left the crazy house today. Literally. Green Oaks. Local nuthouse for people with the crazies. I was only there for a night but I deffinately could have stayed alot longer if I needed to. Seeing Josh kiss another girl at the bar sent me over the edge. I fliped. I lost it. The next night I showed up to a pool party at one of my favorite bars in a bikini and cowboy boots. Unfortunately I was like the only on in a swim suit. haha. I ended up blacking out, yelling and hitting people. I woke up in my bed without my car. A friend had given me a ride home. I woke up naked. My mom freaked me out. I started hearing all kinds of voices in my head telling me all kinda of different things like "oh no... you did it again... he came inside her didn't he." Frist off I was way too beligerant to even have sex of any kind and I had a tampon in. And I just kept hearing people say "I bet it was her Dad... I bet he fucked her" Which the mere thought completely disguits me. Point being I needed help. Seeing Josh with another girl made me flip the fuck out and I dont really care. I've seen some counselors and apparently I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I spent the night in a chair, lightly talking to the girl next to me who had way more to say that I did. She was a meth head. Im pretty sure I had some rank gas because I had taken laxatives earlier in the day. hahah. I feel a daily poop is very much necessarry for everyone. So I guess i'm better now. My feelings are the same just a little numb so things wont hurt as much. My mom wont let me drink alcohol in the house anymore and I have absolutely no money to get any... and they are threatening to take the car away, which they pretty much already have since they wont let me drive it. Even though they are giving me anxiety pills, I still say alcohol is better. Or marijuana.