05/26/2011

I'm trying to recollect my thoughts on reality. What actually makes up your reality and the powers that are in control of it. I broke down and told my mom all my thoughts and feelings on the things I've become to notice... or believe. What I believe to be true. Of course she didn't believe what I had to say. Hahaha. I didn't really expect her to but I know things I've noticed are true and I can't change that so call me crazy but I dont care because I haven't tripped acid in about 6 years now so I know I'm not hallucinating when I see someone I know following me constantly. Or when my left ankle starts to hurt reall bad and thats the same ankle my dad has had massive surgeries on and finally fused off a few years ago. Or even when I keep gaining weight and I barely eat, throw up the majority of the time and all my parents eat is processed fast food meats and pizza which in return has made me mother to become fairly obese. I call this unjustice and a lack of progression in science and medicine in general. When the human connection goes futher than just physical or metaphysical entities, and theres not enough scientist out there to prove the facts. Thats a bummer... man. Haha.

I am drinking Modelo and its not wanting to go down so well.

I'm lonely. Seriously... deeply lonely. I dont want to constantly ramble about my unhappyness and confusion. I need someone who believes me and feels the same about findings in life.

This hair school thing is killing me. I'm beginning to wonder if it was a mistake to even enroll. But its almost over, I've only got about 2 in a half... maybe 3 months (if I keep missing class).

05/17/2011

Im in a piss poor mood. I just snapped at my dad. I said "Hey, I just got a free piano!!! I'll make room for it in my room" and he says "Why dont you use your mom's keyboard before getting a piano" and I said, "No way dad, I've played keyboard before... theres a huge difference!" and he stares at me and says "No no no, we had piano growing up... you should probably just play your mom's keyboard." and I said, " YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. Theres a huge difference in the way and feel that you play a piano, and it's completely different from a keyboard." And then he kept quiet. I think that almost made him cry. And now I feel like shit for snapping at him. I hate arguing, much less with my dad. I have so much frustration and anger built up towards him... towards life. Sorry dad. Didn't mean to snap, just thought you knew new me better. Or knew the difference in playing keyboard from piano.

05/13/2011

As I was sitting in the holding cell of Collin County Jail, all I could think about was listening to the Lady Gaga Cd I had bought the night before... and of course, what the hell was I thinking to have gotten myself into this situation again. Waking up in jail, hungover, not quite remembering what happened the night before. I remember being at the bar, having fun, singing karaoke, but I dont remember leaving or even driving. I assume I blacked out. I remember having a flat tire but not quite sure how I got it or how long I had been driving on it. The cops pulled me over. It felt like I was in a trance and as soon as I saw the blue and red flashing lights it snapped me out and instantly all I could think was "FFFUUUUUUUCCCKK!! What the hell am I doing, what the fuck was I thinking. My life is over, I just ruined everything. I want to run to Canada as soon as I get bailed out."

I've been hysterical the past couple of months. I seriously dont know how to handle my emotions.

I dont know how to handle the people around me. Sick of being paranoid. How to act towards them, how to connect. How to trust or believe what they are sayong is true and genuine. I just can't pick it out anymore. Sick of hallucinating... then getting paranoid, then mind games and then hysterical crying all over again. Its just this cycle that keeps testing my emotions. I dont like that. I dont need that. The only person Ive been trying to listen to is myself and I dont know what too much is too much for me anymore. Or maybe I just dont care anymore because if I had died on the way home atleast I would have died happy and half way unconcious already. Uhhh.... I'm so sick of feeling this way and crying all the time. Hysterical crying.


Its all the feelings of confususion with bits of betrayal and misunderstandings. Pure frustration with EVERYTHING. My brain, my family, the people who surround me, the ones who are brought into my life, for either a minute or even the ones who are there for years. Its like I'm constantly analyzing the motions of people and piecing them together in my life and I'm always asking why... why do things happen this way, Why am I made this way? What the hell is wrong with me?!

So now I have to go through the probation thing all over again. I really dont care. I dont even want to drink anymore. Hopefully I wont for a long time. This is deffinately a rude awakening. More so than the last one.

I need the thing in my life that makes me happy to finally surface. I'm tired of surrendering to my family, to my friends, and to myself. Always falling short and not being able to push through. I'm ready for it to be over.

05/05/2011

Im hoping that all the nights Ive locked myself up in my room. My room in my parent's house, crying, eventually pays off. My biggest fear is that it wont and Ill have wasted my youth and freedom. Im 25 and I feel 40. Im more accomplished than themajority of people I know and I cant begin to describe how much I hate myself for it because I feel like I cant relate to 99% of people around me. Guess ill get over it and move on. However, im not as accomplished as I want to be. For that matter Im no where close to where I need to be to be happy. Truth.