05/13/2011

As I was sitting in the holding cell of Collin County Jail, all I could think about was listening to the Lady Gaga Cd I had bought the night before... and of course, what the hell was I thinking to have gotten myself into this situation again. Waking up in jail, hungover, not quite remembering what happened the night before. I remember being at the bar, having fun, singing karaoke, but I dont remember leaving or even driving. I assume I blacked out. I remember having a flat tire but not quite sure how I got it or how long I had been driving on it. The cops pulled me over. It felt like I was in a trance and as soon as I saw the blue and red flashing lights it snapped me out and instantly all I could think was "FFFUUUUUUUCCCKK!! What the hell am I doing, what the fuck was I thinking. My life is over, I just ruined everything. I want to run to Canada as soon as I get bailed out."

I've been hysterical the past couple of months. I seriously dont know how to handle my emotions.

I dont know how to handle the people around me. Sick of being paranoid. How to act towards them, how to connect. How to trust or believe what they are sayong is true and genuine. I just can't pick it out anymore. Sick of hallucinating... then getting paranoid, then mind games and then hysterical crying all over again. Its just this cycle that keeps testing my emotions. I dont like that. I dont need that. The only person Ive been trying to listen to is myself and I dont know what too much is too much for me anymore. Or maybe I just dont care anymore because if I had died on the way home atleast I would have died happy and half way unconcious already. Uhhh.... I'm so sick of feeling this way and crying all the time. Hysterical crying.


Its all the feelings of confususion with bits of betrayal and misunderstandings. Pure frustration with EVERYTHING. My brain, my family, the people who surround me, the ones who are brought into my life, for either a minute or even the ones who are there for years. Its like I'm constantly analyzing the motions of people and piecing them together in my life and I'm always asking why... why do things happen this way, Why am I made this way? What the hell is wrong with me?!

So now I have to go through the probation thing all over again. I really dont care. I dont even want to drink anymore. Hopefully I wont for a long time. This is deffinately a rude awakening. More so than the last one.

I need the thing in my life that makes me happy to finally surface. I'm tired of surrendering to my family, to my friends, and to myself. Always falling short and not being able to push through. I'm ready for it to be over.