06/27/2011

I think that keeping the past in the past is the best thing for me. Does that mean I give up on all the good times I've had and just forget about them all? Theoretically, to achieve new happyness... yes. But thats almost impossible. However, what's not impossible is putting away all of the bad times and negative things that have left me bitter and angry. Just tucking those away and forgetting will help me to keep growing on a possitive level. If I keep holding grudges and remembering all the times I've been hurt, that's all I'm going to get out of life. I'll start hurting people and making them feel just like me which will make me feel hurt and it'll turn into one big cycle of hurt, angry, bitterness. That I dont need, no one needs. And in hopes... others will do the same thing with all the stupid shit I have done to them.

06/26/2011

Its hard for me to explain the way I felt when I saw the photo on Josh's Facebook of him and his then/now girlfriend. Complete humiliation maybe. Devistation even... that everything I had believed was completely false. I felt I gave everything to sobriety, to loving Josh, to listening to him, his music, his voice. Thought he was going to come sweep me off my feet. Thought he actually cared about me and loved me just as much in return. Then when I saw the photos of them together, everything changed. I grew even more bitter and angry then I had before. Literally like my heart was ripped out of my chest and served to me on a cold platter... for the second time. The girl he's with is gorgeous, I can't even compete, and all of my inadequecies turn me into one big basket case. This is how apathy has set in and left me lonely. Not only do I not care about all the women he has fallen in love with, I've stopped caring about my life, my future, my circumstances, school, friends, etc. ... this is not good. Really bad things happen when one does this.

Again, falling out of love with him is something new for me and can be quite scary. It's a completey new life, new way of thinking and decision making that I haven't quite been able to jump into.

06/23/2011

I dont know what love is. I'm finally going to admit to that.

06/22/2011

I've decided that I should start writing down my dreams. Mainly when they are interesting or if I feel they have some sort of meaning. Here we go... last night it felt like this dream lasted the entire night from the time I fell asleep to the time I woke up, even after sleeping through my alarm: I had rekindled my friendship with my old best friend Erin, it seemed like she was living across the street from me in a huge house. Kind of with her family but in a seperate house. Or maybe she just financially supported them. Not sure. But she had become divorced Lesbian who caoched a prestigious cheerleader coach for some really good sports team who made alot of money. We were older and somehow Josh was working for her. Valley or maybe as an assistant. Dreams are foggy like that sometimes. Erin and I were together alot and it seemed like Josh was constantly around watching us. It seemed like he was annoyed and wouldn't talk to me, kind of ignoring me. But I could tell he didnt have a girlfriend so I was still hopeful when I was around him. Then suddenly Erin kissed me and asked if I was serious about starting a relationship. This through me for a loop and I didn't know what to think. Although I remember loving the feeling that she was serious about being with me and had forgiven me and wanted to love me again. I woke up smiling and feeling really weird.

06/20/2011

Jealousy and bitterness is just something that I have to overcome. I need to get over myself and move on. Regardless if Josh loves me or not.

06/16/2011

We bleached my hair at school. I wanted to be blonde again. We bleached it three times and now it is a nice shade of pink... kind of a corally- neon-orange- pink. Everyone at school said I look like a highlighter its so bright. It was kind of an accident really. I blame my teacher but it has deffinately gotten me more attention then I'd imagine. It's supposed to be a temporary color. It'll wash out I'm sure. I've always wanted pink hair. But it probably wont last long and I'll keep it blonde or dye it back dark again.

And my cravings for alcohol are off and on. I'm trying not to dwell on it, I really dont care. I've become apathetic these days. To drink or not to drink, I don't care. I just can't fuck up anymore.


Someone is smoking too much... my chest hurts. This is why I quit.

06/14/2011

Alcohol has become my enemy. I think it's seriously time to put the booze down. The occasional beer being fine, especially on vacations. My tolerance just isn't the same and I'm doing more damage to myself then I actually thought I ever would.

I hate living at home with my parents. Alcohol was a solution to make it easier me being here. But now that I am blacking out more and having to blow into the breathalizer to start my car, it's just not worth it.

Oh, I dont take laxatives anymore. Those are bad. I quit that about a year ago when I realized that it was doing more harm to the people I love the most.

I'm pretty sure Josh hates me.

I keep having flashbacks of times when we were together. Just little moments in time that make me really happy. And then make me really sad and angry all over again.

Sometimes, I think I need to move away. Like I really wanna go somewhere far, maybe Portland, California, Canada. Who knows if it will ever even happen.

But for now, I think I'm going to start a kick boxing class. Or get a gym membership again or something.

06/12/2011

I have this problem called constipation... hahaha. Its like my body wont let me poop. Sometimes its fine, I'll go once a day. This past week. Not so good. I didn't have a regular poop all week. It makes me feel sick. I don't know if I'm just not drinking enough water anymore or what. That may be it but its like my body tenses up and wont let me release anything. It hurts. I get all bloaded and feel fat. I'm hoping its because I'm just not drinking enough water. I think this is what led to my laxative addiction.


So... it seems I had my Facebook settings set to private. I didn't know. Again, I kinda feel like everything I had been thinking now is false. Maybe I'm seriously going crazy. Hearing voices and listening to them. Not knowing who I'm actually listening to.

I got the breatherlizer installed in my car (for the second time). This is going to be a weird year. Maybe I'll finally move out of my parent's house.

06/07/2011

My last relationship... real relationship, was with a Nathan Scott Holman. We were together for about 4 years, give or take a few on and off breaks in between. But we lived together, in like three different places. I still had the majority of my things at my parents house but I would spend almost every night with him. And I'd go to school or work, or both, and then spend all my free time with him. We met through my best friend from Highschool, Erin. He was one of her roomates and we met and hit it off after drinking a bottle of Southern Comfort. I was still getting over my feelings for Josh. Told myself that there wasn't anyway for us to ever get back together. He had obviously moved on much faster than I had or could. I smoked alot of pot during this time which also led to me smoking methamphetamine with Erin's boyfriend on occasion. I dont know what I was thinking. Probably anything to hide how insecure and insignificant I felt inside. But I think Nathan probably made me feel better then all of the drugs I started doing. I would go to his band practices, watch him play video games, hang out with him and his friends at the recording studio, eat at Denny's alot... For a second I thought I was going to marry him. He had casually jokingly talked about it. Then the more drugs I started to do, the more girls he would hang out with when I wasn't around. It was hard for me to trust him. We would argue and breakup at times, it was usually because I was doing drugs or I brought up my feelings for Josh that wouldn't go away. But I really wanted to be honest with Nathan about it. He knew what my feelings were but he still loved me. Then after we both turned 21, we were drinking all of the time and he started hanging out with one of the girls in his band when I wasnt there. That led to us just being friends and having sex on occasion. And then that started to make me feel gross. Surprisingly Josh called me one night as I was on my way to Nathan's and I didn't know what to do, if he was serious or if he just wanted to have sex, I didn't know what his intentions were at that time... It had been like two years since I'd even seen him. Nathan and I had grown so close it was hard for me to get rid of the bond we still had. Needless to stay, I ended up going over to Josh's place and just sleeping next to him. I felt stupid for being with Nathan and left behind because I had no clue as to what Josh had actually been up to, I had missed him alot.. It was such a huge moment for me. I'm pretty sure I was in shock the entire time I was there. He said he was tired and that he didn't want to sleep alone. We watched The Graduate and went to sleep.

Its been years since then, Nathan and I occasionally speak. He's moved to Austin.. I've visited him a few times. Actually this past Thanksgiving to be exact. We had Burger King on Thanksgiving Day. I had french fries and a milkshake. It was probably the best thing I had eaten all year. I enjoyed my time with him, after finding out Josh was in a relationship with someone else, I thought that maybe Nathan and I could reconnect. But it just wasn't there. Maybe I was too pathetic? Maybe he had moved on? I don't know. But he took care of me and gave me the attention that I needed.

06/06/2011

Worked in Ft. Worth this weekend. The comute is little over an hour from my parents house. I got to stay with my friend Sara since I worked two days in a row. Shes been a loyal friend since I was 17. She knows pretty much everything about me. We are considering getting an apt. It all depends on what happens after I finish cosmetology school.

While driving on my way home, I heard a Coldplay song on the radiohead and it instantly reminded me of Josh. I really didn't want to think about him so I changed the station. Immediately in my head, I hear "Fine, I'm going to fuck her then."

Is this too part truth of my reality?

Or is it just my fear keeping me down, telling me I'm ugly, that I'm too fat and could never be good enough for him? Does fear itself have a voice? Can you relate that fear to people in your life?

All of these thoughts are exhuasting.

06/05/2011

I guess I spent too much time waiting for him to call me again to hang out like most people, or go to the movies or a bar, or record a song... I dont know... I was wrong. He had been dating someone, the pretty girl with dark hair and features not like mine, the whole time. I say the whole time meaning all the nights I was dreaming about him, listening to his songs, creating a falsity in my head that we would get back together. Once again, everything I had ever felt was proven to be false.

And having visions of him fucking her really doesn't make things any better.

I've known this for months now but the "visions" wont stop. After several nights of deep thought and serious consideration, I've quit second guessing myself... thinking that I was making it all up in my head and assuming things upon other people, I've come to the conclusion that the things I have been seeing are actually true.

The only one that could ever get me to forget about Josh lives across the country in a different state. THATS hard to accept.

06/03/2011

I didn't have sex for an entire year after Josh called me over to his apartment. We had sex. He helped me fix my car. I wanted to stay. I didn't want to leave. He called me over again a few weeks after that and I declined his invitation. I didn't want to be the booty call at 4 in the morning. Atleast thats how I felt. Even though I didn't want to be that girl, I'm still kicking myself that I didn't just go over to his place.

Its been about two years now since Ive seen him face to face in an intimate setting alone. Ive seen him out a few times only to hear "We have grown apart..." or "Sorry I interfeared with your life...".

06/02/2011

I'm having a hard time accepting reality. Especially my reality. Coming to the conclusion that the one person of the opposite sex who you pined over for years has offcially moved on and is attracted to other females who look like the complete opposite of me, thinner than me, larger breasts than me, better hair than me, more precise and pleasant facial features than me.... it is hard to accept. Very hard. And at the same time. Why do I feel compelled to be loyal to this person? Am I in denial?

Is it actually my father's love that I am scared to abandon? I thought I had already recognized that and moved on to something greater.

06/01/2011

I think I need to explain myself. To myself. Where should I begin. Where my feelings are. My feelings. Ha. Do I even have those anymore. Have a turned into one of those people who no longer have a conscious. Sometimes I think so, yes.