5/31/2010

I hate turning into a bitch. Constantly. Just stating how I feel about a particular situation or scenario, true or false, and not having all the facts presented to me correctly always ends up making me feel like a bitch for viewing it that way. Even if it may or may not be happening. The fact that I have to believe that it is happening, even if I dont want to, gets me angry and I have to analyse what was just presented to me over and over again until I get some sort of answer or understanding from the situation. Sometimes leaving me embarassed or like a total bitch for getting so mad. All in all, I still feel left out and confused as to why I am being left out. I know I need comfort but I just dont want to be touched by anyone. No hugs or anything. I want to express love the right way. The honest way, with the one that I love the most.

5/30/2010

I've come to the realization that the only person I've fallen in love with is a figment of my imagination. He feels more like a mirage than an actual person. Guess I should have realized thats what my father was trying to tell me when I drove through the parking lot and saw a yellow mirage with a dented front end. Josh knocked his tooth loose a few months, now its clear to me how much control my Dad actually has of my life. It's either the fact that I never get to see Josh or the fact that I've come to realize how the imagery in my mind of what love is becomes presented in the physical form as Josh. Having this understanding makes the idea of love seem impossible. Regardless if love is a person, a thing, or the decisions you make, being able to comprehend and not comprehend the imagery in my mind is a very frustrating thing.

5/25/2010

I went to the most frightening concert last night. I really can't explain much. It was one of my favorite bands. You just really had to be there. I guess. Midway through the set I see the words "murder" across the screen in blinking red lights. Yikes. That was my cue to leave. Regardless if it was part of the set, of the show... whoever made the slide show should have known better not to do that. The sad part is the guy on stage might not even have known what the side screens were saying. It could have been anyone at the club... which could potentially do a drastic amount of harm to the band. Especially if the slides weren't approved by the band ahead of time. I remember going to the same venue about a year ago and saw an even more offensive slide show... but of course, I just assumed it was something put together by the band.

I'm pretty sure I saw Josh walk out a few minutes prior to the subliminal message went flying across the screen. Maybe if I saw him more he wouldn't always say that I really dont know him.

5/20/2010

I got my nose pierced today. I dont know if I like it. Maybe I'm just not used to it yet. I think it makes me ugly. I'll probably take it out.

5/19/2010

I had the weirdest sense of dejavu this past Sunday. I was doing the makeup for a hair contest, of stylist friend of mine. After finishing up on the 3 models (it was a very victorian rustic goth look) the stylist and I decided to grab some coffee at a shop in the mall. Its the same mall I have worked at several times, the hair salon also, but a cafe that I had never been to. Right after we placed our order a family walked in behind us and everything around me started to look like a film strip... like I had already been there before. I maintained composure and conversation until the feeling wore off, it only lasted a couple of seconds. I love it when this happens.

5/17/2010

The main cause of war is lack of communication and missinterpretation of information.

5/17/2010

I can't listen to his music anymore... not right now... it just makes me cry. It usually will make me happy. But its too good. Its just too perfect. I dont want to talk about it anymore. All I want are answers. To know the truth. To know that I am right or wrong... and not to be left to go crazy. Not bull shit cover ups or excuses. I am tired. I know that I am not crazy and I do not want to be medicated. Thank you. I am a beautiful child of God who desrves more than what is presented in front of me in life at the moment.

5/17/2010

Sometimes I have good days, most of the time I have bad days. Today has been a really bad day. I feel bogged down, seperated, led astray. Lifeless.

5/15/2010

I'm afraid of getting hurt again. Plain and simple. I dont know how many times I've said this to myself or thought about it outloud but I am truly afraid of loving something again and having it striped from me. For awhile I thought "Hey... this is okay, I can get used to this..." THIS being life at the time. Life on my own with a new boy who I thought I could love. However, I was on drugs at the time. Illegal drugs and prescribed ones. Well, I tried and no matter how much we had been through together, I still wasn't in love with him. Now a few years later, I feel like a child again. I dont want anyone to touch me. I've been through a complete life detox... a constant daily detox and inventory of my progression and regression. It seems to be the same circle over and over again. Same thought pattern, same lust for the life I want. Overcoming the lies of my parents and finding new ways of living that work best for me. So again, I find myself alone. And it comes down to the same question everytime. What is it that makes you happy? For me its like a mirage, or a dream I've had since I was little yet was always told that it wouldn't happen. Its hard to explain exactly or even put into words but sometimes the future we see for ourselves at a very young age is the most prominent in the long run.

Anyways, as of now I keep having flashbacks to the night my love left. I felt it. I didn't know what to do, I was sad. I try not to keep this as a crutch for bitterness and excuse as to why I am so unhappy but I do. Even though I was young and niave. It still hurts. I see this beautiful image of another girl that is not me, not to say that it will not ever possibly be me, but some physical form that is not myself and I get jealous. From that jealous and idealolgy of another girl taking my place makes me imagine 100's of others just as beautiful who could very well take my place and who also have taken that place.

The only thing bringing me back to him is the confidence in hope that that love still exists. The older I become it almost seems like a manipuilation factor my father uses to keep me alive.

I keep asking myself why do I even think that He would still love me? Or even like me!? He told me to leave him alone a few months ago. I keep blaming myself... I'm guilty of loving him. Does that make him HAVE to love me? Or does that in return make him love me? Maybe my idea of love is not his. Its rather confusing and depressing. I loose ambition easily and I become thrust into another world of materialism in which I am forced to portray a character of myself that is unkown to my true self in order to "get by" in life. And at the same time not only am I mad at myself for not being more progressive at a younger age but my spiritual self has taken and 360, turned around, back flopped and back up at a 180. All my ideals that I held as a child have been magnified drastically into something so much more tangile and simplistic to me at the current age that I am in.

When I was in kindergarten, I remember looking up to the older kids in fifth grade thinking to myself "Oh my God! They are so cool! They are so much older, I'm never going to live to be that old!" Hahaha. Now I could teach fifth grade, yet I still have the same thoughts like "Wow, I dont think I'll make it to 30 sometimes... didn't think I'd make it to 21! God willing if I can even have a child of my own." Yeah... day by day I guess.

Even though I've allowed myself to become calloused with jealousy, its the only defense mechanism I've been able to hold onto so that I can overcome all of the negative obstacles that I've laid before me. When that callouse gets removed, I am vulnerable for about ten minutes and it seems that that is all the time my body will allow itself of pure natural ecstacy before getting hurt again.

5/12/2010

While I was working as a receptionist at a chic trendy salon about a year ago, I decided to let them cut all of my hair off. And I mean SHORT. They needed a hair model for a new cut they were learning how to do so I said, "What the heck, I'll do it". I had cut my hair equally short about 3 months prior to this event and I was indecisive if I should continue to let it grow out or not. I had never had the same style she had given me, I felt like a completely different person. I have to say that I liked it a lot until they began bleaching it. I was crying like a little baby in the salon. I felt like a cancer patient going through therapy. I was in the process of quitting smoking too so that made the situation even more bizarre. I entered the salon with a black bob and left the salon a short strawberry blonde. Realizing a month later that the salon wanted me to keep coming in to get it cut, I was a bit unhappy finding out that the price of the stylists cut was around $60 dollars. For the past year I've been cutting it myself and experimenting with different colors of hair dye trying to decide what color suits my skin tone best. I've come to the conclusion that I find my profile too repulsive for short hair. With this in mind, I've decided to let my hair grow. To make this an easier process... I've had hair extensions put it. And I love it! I went to three different beauty supply stores looking for the right shade, thinking I could have them sewn in. The first shop I went to was highly awkward and it made me miss my best friend terribly. I could hear her burst into laughter as soon as I entered the shop. I was overwhelmed with so much hair around me. It was almost like a museum. I had no clue what to get so I asked the guy at the counter for help. He was a nice man who tried to up sale me the more expensive hair. Being too indecisive, and thinking that I was going to have to buy 6 packs of at at $20 each I left. As soon as I got into my car I took off my red lipstick. The second shop I went to was even more overwhelming. Everything was in boxes on the floor. All different shades and sizes, there was a lady sorting at all but she wasn't much help. Again, I went to the counter and the man didn't have a shade to match my color. I left and drove across town to a larger beauty supply shop. I soon as I walked in I smelled vomit. Smelled vomit bad. Real bad. They had just about the same hair. But more wigs at this place. Which almost made me decide to just go ahead and get one of those instead. I could only bare the smell for about ten minutes, it was lingering bad... in the back of my mind I was thinking INCENSE, BURN INCENSE! All the other shops had it!! Again I left frustrated and called a professional I met while working at the salon. I ended up meeting her at her new studio space and she put them in for me. She matched the color perfectly. I wonder how long they will stay in.

5/10/2010

I think my freedom is being stripped from me.

5/09/2010

Constantly reconditioning my life. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 17. I would call myself a regular smoker. This past year I decided to quit. Then, two nights ago, while I was driving, I had a vision of my parents having sex. Not a fanciful or longing type vision but more of a sensation and photograph... a snapshot in time... brought to mind in mid thought of something completely irrelevant. Out of nowhere- at the age of 24!! This had never happened before. I was angry. So angry that I bought a pack of cigarettes. No one should have visions of their parents genitals. No one. I feel like someone should have warned me or something... I ended up taking a puff and throwing out the rest of the pack. No more cigarettes for me.

5/09/2010

My insecurities are eating me alive. Why am I always comparing myself to my better half?

5/06/2010

Jealousy pretty much sums up alot of my feelings. All of my feelings at this very moment. Or maybe even feelings I've had since I was around the age of ten, that I've just held inside and tried to forget about. Primary feelings of jealousy that have begun to eat me alive over the past few years. Whats funny is that I've never thought of myself to actually be the jealous type. I'm usually always happy for the great things others recieve in my life. Just as much happyness I may have for someone else, I have just as much bitterness... depending on what it is. Its hard being the runt of the litter. Thats how I've been feeling lately. I'm trying my best not to become bitter but constantly feeling left out takes it's toll on a person.

5/05/2010

When I drink it gives me the attitude of "I don't care" or "I dont want to feel this right now because it shouldn't be happening".

5/05/2010

Still kicking myself. I finally had the courage to make it to one of my favorite places for Karaoke night and had a bit too much to drink. I woke up in my friend's car with a huge bruise on my lip. Atleast it wasn't as bad as my New Years extravaganza but none the less I still feel guilty for taking that extra shot of whiskey that I didn't really need... my friend Sara and I used to go out every week to the same spot and sing and then after my arrest, all hell broke loose and I feel like I've been locked up in my house for far too long. I miss my apartment, my freedom, my independance. But a little alcohol did me good. Just wish I could remember more of the night. I sang three songs, the first two I remember... the last one I do not. I saw Josh... and a few of his friends. Its hard for me to express the imagery I have of him in my life and how he encompasses all things and brings meaning to who I am. Nonetheless, I did not talk to them... I really can't remember and Sara doesn't either. She puked on her car as we were leaving. This makes me bad company. Again, no more whiskey for me. I should have paid more attention to her.