Saturday, May 15, 2010

5/15/2010

I'm afraid of getting hurt again. Plain and simple. I dont know how many times I've said this to myself or thought about it outloud but I am truly afraid of loving something again and having it striped from me. For awhile I thought "Hey... this is okay, I can get used to this..." THIS being life at the time. Life on my own with a new boy who I thought I could love. However, I was on drugs at the time. Illegal drugs and prescribed ones. Well, I tried and no matter how much we had been through together, I still wasn't in love with him. Now a few years later, I feel like a child again. I dont want anyone to touch me. I've been through a complete life detox... a constant daily detox and inventory of my progression and regression. It seems to be the same circle over and over again. Same thought pattern, same lust for the life I want. Overcoming the lies of my parents and finding new ways of living that work best for me. So again, I find myself alone. And it comes down to the same question everytime. What is it that makes you happy? For me its like a mirage, or a dream I've had since I was little yet was always told that it wouldn't happen. Its hard to explain exactly or even put into words but sometimes the future we see for ourselves at a very young age is the most prominent in the long run.

Anyways, as of now I keep having flashbacks to the night my love left. I felt it. I didn't know what to do, I was sad. I try not to keep this as a crutch for bitterness and excuse as to why I am so unhappy but I do. Even though I was young and niave. It still hurts. I see this beautiful image of another girl that is not me, not to say that it will not ever possibly be me, but some physical form that is not myself and I get jealous. From that jealous and idealolgy of another girl taking my place makes me imagine 100's of others just as beautiful who could very well take my place and who also have taken that place.

The only thing bringing me back to him is the confidence in hope that that love still exists. The older I become it almost seems like a manipuilation factor my father uses to keep me alive.

I keep asking myself why do I even think that He would still love me? Or even like me!? He told me to leave him alone a few months ago. I keep blaming myself... I'm guilty of loving him. Does that make him HAVE to love me? Or does that in return make him love me? Maybe my idea of love is not his. Its rather confusing and depressing. I loose ambition easily and I become thrust into another world of materialism in which I am forced to portray a character of myself that is unkown to my true self in order to "get by" in life. And at the same time not only am I mad at myself for not being more progressive at a younger age but my spiritual self has taken and 360, turned around, back flopped and back up at a 180. All my ideals that I held as a child have been magnified drastically into something so much more tangile and simplistic to me at the current age that I am in.

When I was in kindergarten, I remember looking up to the older kids in fifth grade thinking to myself "Oh my God! They are so cool! They are so much older, I'm never going to live to be that old!" Hahaha. Now I could teach fifth grade, yet I still have the same thoughts like "Wow, I dont think I'll make it to 30 sometimes... didn't think I'd make it to 21! God willing if I can even have a child of my own." Yeah... day by day I guess.

Even though I've allowed myself to become calloused with jealousy, its the only defense mechanism I've been able to hold onto so that I can overcome all of the negative obstacles that I've laid before me. When that callouse gets removed, I am vulnerable for about ten minutes and it seems that that is all the time my body will allow itself of pure natural ecstacy before getting hurt again.

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