4/26/2010

It's hard for me to love myself. Every bad thought I have leaves me with a bitter taste for myself. Sometimes I make choicecs for the greater good (so I think) and it ends up back firing and hurting me in the future instead of having the greater outcome I thought it would produce... all these inadequecies create an alter image of myself that I fear he will leave me for. The more my life turns into these inadequecies, I push myself away and hide. I get scared. I cry. I hate it. And I ask why am I in so much pain? Some of these short comings I can work on or change but others are more permanent attributes of myself and I have to live with them and love myself. If I can't love who I am, I can't love anyone else.

Fear is a driving force that can fuel you to accomplish greater heights in your lilfe. Too much fear is a gimick our minds play on ourselves to protect us from getting hurt. I'm at a place in my life where these go hand in hand and I'm doing everything I can to maintain composure from doing something irrational again.

4/26/2010

Everyone should be able to stand back and take a larger view of their life, or current situation... of their worldview. Seeing "the big picture" usually allows one to understand things a little better. Not only to understand their own way of life, but understand other's lives a little better as well. But what happens when we can only see bits and pieces of the large picture? Our view becomes unclear in our surroundings. What if we are only allowed so much to see until we learn more of it then the lens is opened a little more...? Maybe we need to see more in order to learn. With understanding comes the big picture. The older I get, the better I understand my Dad's way of thinking. I learn alot. I see the bigger picture. But I don't always agree.

4/19/2010

I was originally a nursing major. So my mind works in a very clinical type manor. I over analyze what it seems to be, everything, and when I dont cross analyze or think like the bad guy, I lose. And end up feeling guilty like I should have been more forceful or proven more evidence to back up my case. For example, I am given 30 hours of work for my job... I show up for work and my manager cuts half of my hours. In return I feel it is my fault for losing money because I rejected 15 extra hours I could have had from outside managers who called to give me work on the same days in which I was already on the schedule to work. Even though my work schedule was planned a month in advance, if I had called and reconfirmed my work schedule the week before... I may have been able to work the extra hours that had been offered to me. In order to benefit my situation further I have to think like the bad guy to understand the world around me.

Last night I had an epiphany. It was a concept deep down I understood but never actually sat back and made time to rationalize in my head. I've come to realize that the decisions you make are the testimony of your love.

I've been told that you shouldn't ever say what you won't do in the future. However, let me say this... I will never lie to my children. Mental anguish from doing the wrong thing, otherwise known as Hell, is that last thing I want to add on top of my already sickened conciousness. If you think that I am trying to pull the Holier than Thou card- I'm not. I'm being honest. However I am not a liar. If I were I'd be terrible at it and completely see through. Even when I was waiting tables at a steakhouse for extra cash, my manager told me that I would have to learn how to lie. As I child I rarely can remember being dishonest with my parents. It was until I was older and living on my own did I become more screteive with the decisions I chose to make in my life. I'm not saying that I have never told I lie. I'm sure I have at one point or another but I can honestly sit here, angrily, with a clear consious because I feel that I have been lied to. Have I repented? Yes.

Even if a person doesn't know they have been lied to, it still creates confusion in reality which creates dissention which can cause anger and lead to not only distrust but insanity. This could be the cause as to why I have disstanced myself from certain beings in my life. None in particular, just in general. And that goes along with any other kind of "bad" in one's life. You can either be drawn to it repelled. And there are many degrees to go along with this.

What is a lie? Asking someone a specifically direct question and them knowingly giving you an answer oppose the truth.

4/18/2010

I still dont remember anything from this past New Years Eve accept accidentally running a redlight, hitting another vehicle, and then going to one of my favorite bars and meeting up with some friends... and dancing... dancing a lot... alotta dancing.

4/18/2010

He always says that he is here to help me. Help me with what? Really. If he wants to help me, he needs to be with me... more than just in spirit. He may not agree, but he is driving me crazy. Sometimes I wonder if it is intentional. Yes, he has helped me though. I have found myself and felt more without him... and lived in areas and accomplished things that I probably never would have. But if he's just here to help me, they need to send someone else in for the rest of the kind of help that I need. Help... what does that even really mean? Being there for someone else so they dont completely go insane?! Giving a hug at the end of the day? Buying groceries for someone who doesn't have enough money? So many different ways to help the ones we love around us. Helping, building, maturing can also be a form of manipulation. I think that's just human nature. If you allow it, going with intent, expecting to get something in return. If he insists on helping me the way he wants to help me then for me to accept it is to submit to him and only him, then I dont want him helping any other girls! Er, women... woman!

4/17/2010

The smell of his poop doesn't even bother me.

4/16/2010

Even though he told me to leave him alone. He still has found a way to penetrate his way into my life. Mind and soul. But I'm trying to leave him alone. I wish I could ignore him but I can't. My mom thinks that I am obsessed. I try not to listen to her very much. She has crushed my hopes on the idea of a fairytale ending... or the idea of finding true love. She doesn't agree with the way I percieve my reality to be. Or what I believe love is.

Sometimes I think the only reason he keeps me in his life is because he knows that in order for him to get the relationship that he wants, I have to believe it will happen. Regardless if its me or someone else. If he knows that I am a piece of his puzzle who can make certain things happen in his life, he'll keep doing what it is he is doing to me until he gets what he wants. Even if it isn't me that he wants.

After visiting him several times in San Antonio, I decided that it would probably be best if I just moved out there. My bestfriend at the time lived there too. Even though I graduated highschool early, she graduated even earlier which left opportunity for us to grow further apart. I missed her, I missed him, so I decided to leave. A week or two before I actually moved, I get a phone call... he wants to meet me in a different city about 45 minutes from my house. About 450 miles away from his. He was already there. I told him to quit the bull shit and tell me what was going on. He said he wasn't happy and that we were over. He had decided to move back home... he had been seeing someone else. Someone else in the city that was 45 minutes away from my house. I can't even begin to describe my feelings at that moment. Anger, jealousy, betrayal... frustration. Everything at once came pouring out in huge tears. I soon saw my mother's psychiatrist and became medicated. Then I moved to San Antonio and had my first real taste of freedom. That's a very important thing for a women to expiriencne. Independace. I'm not sure if all women get to live through it. I was young, single, and had nothing to do but look forward. I was truly free and didn't care much about anything. I enrolled at the local community college where me and my best friend decided to go.

4/15/2010

I graduated highschool in the top ten percent in a class of about 800. Finishing my courses six months earlier than most, it allowed me to start working full time. I had been a nurse's aide at a local hospital taking care of patients on the surgical unit. I landed this job through a work-study program introduced to me in school. I started working nights in the ICU as soon as I graduated and even began training as a telemetry tech for weak heart patients. My boyfriend was living in a larger city about 400 miles away. I was also trying to take part time college courses while keeping a part time job at a trendy store at the mall. I was smoking close to two packs of ciggarettes a day at the age of 18. Not good. I think it's all the Indian blood in me. The damage I have caused has been excruciatingly painful physically and mentally for me to overcome. Kids dont listen when they're told that what they do effects the people around them. Now I can look back a see all the people I have hurt. And I am sorry. I was lost, blind, pridefull, and niave to alot of the world around me... and still am. Blind to misery and niave for not recognizing it. Pride for falling in love and lost for losing it.

Trying to maintain a long distance relationship soon became my priority. I spent my weekends driving back and forth between Dallas and San Antonio. I made several trips to see him.

4/14/2010

The first and only time I have ever sung an Aladdin song, I ruined what could have been the greatest opportunity of my life. I was afraid of getting hurt again and maybe so was he. It's been atleast 3 years since that night and I'm still kicking myself for it. I got up and went to work the next day like normal, hoping that he would call and repeat what he had said the night before about how he was done dating other girls, how they were all stupid and how he thought it was time for us to try our relationship again. But he didn't call... months went by... still didn't hear from him... I soon turned 21 and that's when I really started drinking.

4/14/2010

We met at an emo show. The band was called Dreaming of the Fifth. He came up and asked me what my favorite bands were. I barely paid him any attention, I was really into the band at the moment. And I had a boyfriend at the time. I was scared shitless. I had seen this guy around a time or two and knew I wanted to know him. Like really know him. I would say love at first sight or even that I wanted to marry him but using those phrases often get overly used and the value of saying such things end up losing their value. We were both really young, seventeen. If he had insisted on me leaving wth him, I would have. I wanted to. I hated when he walked away. I still hate it when he walks away... I ended up leaving with my boyfriend and then breaking up with him the next day.

4/13/2010

I get jealouus... alot. Everything points back at her. I try to forget, I really do. Its hard for me to grasp the things that I have learned. To even try and fathom it all is above my head... atleast I am honest. Give me clarity, please.

4/10/2010

Today is not a good day. Thank you.

4/9/2010

A William H. Macy look a like called me desensitized! I find that to be extremely true and to a dissapointing... considering that I am a woman and I am supposed to be the opposite. It make me dissatisfied with myself and the way in which my life seems to be like a constant flip flop or back bend of somesort, trying to make everyone happy- along with myself! Esecially with the job I currently have, Sales, my Makeup Artistry gigs... and wanting to pursue more of the Arts in my life in which I enjoy the most. Sensitivity is what I need but in a Faithless society how is it that a woman of lower class can excoot those characteristics while bettering herself and her future? I may been desensitized at that moment but when I am able to become myself, I am different.

4/8/2010

The last thing I looked at before I fell asleep last night was his picture. He sent it to my phone months ago. Its all that I've got. I look at it all the time. He has sent 3 pictures to my phone. Two of which he says he was too drunk to remember. That made me sad. I sent him pictures of me. He got mad. I dont send him pictures of myself anymore... we dont really talk, at all, anymore.

4/7/2010

Getting angry seems to be apart of my daily routine. I cry alot. And for some reason seem to feel guilty for getting upset. But I feel my anger and frustration is completely justified at this point. I'm afraid that i'm becoming dependant on whatever chemical becomes released when one begins to cry. Some hormone I'm sure. I dont want to start creating problems or mental insanity so that I have a reason to cry all the time. I just want to know the truth.

When I dont know what is going on, but I think I have a pretty good idea yet no one seems to be talking to me about it, makes me feel like people are intentionally trying to make me insane! And I get lonely and bitter. Very bitter. Doesn't matter how much I love someone or something. That doesnt change the way I feel the circumstances that have come into play to rectify a certain situation. And not that I hate or that I am mad at a particular indiviadual, but at the situation itself. In retrospeck makes me hate myself... for allowing myself to become bitter. For getting confused and upset of not knowing exactly why the things around me are coming into play the way that they are. Sometimes I can accept the reality and sometimes I can't.

But I know it is probably because I am scared that I will get hurt again.

4/3/2010

I don't want anymore soda! I want to be beautiful and clean and healthy and in bed with Josh.

4/2/2010

The nicer the weather gets, the more difficult it becomes for me to imagine not having someone to share it with.

4/1/2010

You gain your new life by living and learning new expiriences together.