6/30/2010

The spritual, mental, and physical tie between my family and I is absolutely killing me. Being expected to sit at home is just about impossible to do every night. Its left me feelings of selfishness and confusion due to the fact that I can't get a job and I believe its more than just the fact that I am not qualified, I know that I am qualified for everything that I have applied for! And I know that I am worth more than a minimun wage salary! Doing what I thoroughly love and enjoy in life is what I am striving for, however, family politics are keeping that dream from becomming a reality right now.

6/22/2010

I've become selfish again. I've been hearing lies and trying my best to fight them but living at home and not being disstracted enough with something in my life of importance has left me bitter and angry inside. My hurt is being projected onto others. I feel terrible for the way things are going. On my way home last night I kept nodding off. I should have stayed the night at my friends house but I figured that I was fine. But Dallas to Rowlett is such a long drive towards the end the road was putting me to sleep. I feel terrible and selfish and extremely unhappy again. Figuring out the truth and whats most important in life and comparing them as to what makes you a decent human is a difficult task to defeat.

Going places alone has become redundant and boring. I'm accomplishing personal goals of mine but at the same time destroying the childlike spirit my parents have given me. Which I guess can be looked at as a good thing. I am an adult and I hope they begin to realize that adulthood is not about age or accomplishment but a state of mind and understanding of knowing ones true self. Surfacing is the honest truth that we all choose right from wrong. It becomes a pretty intense thing to fathom when life comes at you in five different directions, wanting you to do five things at the same time, all the while you are choosing right from wrong in your head. Justice is something worth fighting for in everyones life.

6/16/2010

I feel like shit. I've been drinking more than usual lately. But I'd rather have a hangover the day after a night of heavy drinking as opposed to constant mental anguish and frustration. Always feeling unsatisfied and anxious because there is knowledge around me that I don't have insite to.

Last night was a blessing though. I met up with some friends I hadn't seen in quite awhile.

I'm still bitter and hurt. I'm trying not to get mad at the things I can't change. There are constant reminders everywhere. They will just pop up out of no where. Its like a defense system my brain uses to keep me from getting vulnerable and hurt again.

I dont know how to make this anymore clear or explain further than I already have.

6/15/2010

A song can never make up for the actions you make.

6/12/2010

I panic alot. Er, I guess you could say that I have mood swings. Everything will be going along perfect and then something negative happens and I dissagree and sets me off. Oh well, thats life right? Sometimes yes, but only if you allow it to be that way. Your reality that is.

I just got back from visiting my brother in Georgia where he graduated from his entry into the Army. It was a long car ride with my grandma and parents but it was totally worth it in the long run. It was a great visit even though I was highly annoyed the entire time. My uncle even drove out from tennessee and spent some time with us. It was nice staying in the La Quinta for about a week. Free breakfast, yay.

One of the nights really got to me. Actually, several of the nights really got to me... every night gets to me. One thought in particular keeps running through my head. Guess its my fear... or maybe truth? But I hate it. There is nothing I can do about it. The time that I have spent apart from Josh has given him plenty of space to spend with someone else. I pretty much am convinced that he has another life with another woman, or even mutiple women and is secretly hiding it from me so that I will sustain living the life that I have, the little that I do manage to have left. Like my dad is paying him to write songs that I think are about me.

Even though I know its not true, this is how it feels.

The other woman of course would be the woman he left me for. Boo fucking hoo, right?

6/07/2010

I woke up from an afternoon drunk early this morning. Around 3am. I had slept through my Sunday night karaoke. I was pissed. I went to the 24 hour gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and sat out front my house waiting for him. I sat outside for about 2 hours. He drove by, that was it. I hoped he would come back but he did not. I layed on my drive way starring at the clouds. I saw all kinds of shapes, faces even. Then my neighbors front porch light came on, and my other neighbor was getting in his car to leave for work, I decided I should just go inside and get some sleep. I felt ill like I needed to vomit, so I did. I still felt sick and couldn't sleep. Alot of questions unanswered once again, this is why keeping faith becomes almost impossible. My mind wonders and I begin to hear crazy things. Things like he doesn't love me anymore and he still loves her, that he's been having seizures, that he's been having sex with his neighbor because they designed it that way, etc. etc. I am fearful of the unknown and striving for the truth. So I put on some music and hope to fall asleep.

6/04/2010

As I pulled into the coffee shop parking lot, I immediately heard "You better come when I call you, Bitch." And then I thought for a second... why am I doing this? How am I going to act when I see him?... I think, probably like a bitch! Then I hear "I dont need that... You aren't good enough. Blah blah, she wouldn't treat me that way." I immediately felt like a dog, I felt ugly as hell and went home. Now I feel seperated and confused. It's difficult to hear his voice and distinguish it from my father's sometimes.

6/03/2010

So... I am at my favorite bar. They have karaoke every Wednesday night. I am waiting to be called on stage to sing. I'm nervous, I'm drinking, I'm alone. I wish Josh was with me. All the time. He's usually here.

6/01/2010

Last night I was invited to a volleyball game. To play sand volleyball... at a bar. Little did I know when I arrived, my friend was there with her girlfriend. I walked by. Didn't see them anywhere. There was no sand volleyball. I left after making eye contact with her and noticed her girlfriend was a bit peaved. They were sitting at the bar. Feeling uncomfortable I left. Not at the fact that she was with her girlfriend but me appearing just made things complicated. I've had a "crush" on this girl for about 3 years now, a friendly crush. I could never actually see myself with another woman- sexaually. It just wouldn't happen (unless there were drugs involved). The feeling, idea, and entire process of the night sank in as I started driving home. I had left my granmother sitting at home to hang out with this girl. I was mad at myself but at the same time felt it was something I had to overcome in myself. Family can hold us back from success... thats what I hear. Thats what they say. Is it true? Was my experience worth it? If it led me to the cure of all illness then yes, it was worth it.