7/29/2010

My hips have gotten smaller. I think its because I haven't had sex in about a year. This makes me feel like a boy. I dont like it.

7/26/2010

So I found out that he's in one of my favorite bands a little over a year ago. It was while I was on probation. I was driving home from class in the middle of summer in the Texas heat. No AC, breathalizer installed and listening to my Ipod which was blarring his music while I sat in trafic on hwy 75. No one told me it was his band or his voice... it was an older recording, him from a previous point in time. He had released an amazing, actually two amazing albums, without me having a clue. Both of which I had gotten through a friend of mine on a burned CD of mp3's a couple years prior but had never really listened to until then. After a couple of listens and a few leaked songs online I had heard I knew it had to be his voice. Guess you could say that I felt really stupid. Because of what he has achieved musically with this band, I feel seperates us tremendulously, in my mind he could have any gorgeous girl that wanted to be with him, even a famous actress or musician if he wanted. I get insecure alot, I could go into detail but its the same typical girlie bullshit that we all stress over and tear our selves apart with. I think this is why I gave up so many times in my mind as to having any hopes of us maintaining a real relationship. I couldn't imagine him wanting to choose me, he was accomplishing greater things, and no matter how much I wanted to be with him- knew I couldn't so I gave up. Gave up on life, on any sort of real happyness with anyone but him, the idea of being with anyone else now sickens me. Before, I could get fucked up and sleep around becuse I just didn't care about anything because in my mind Josh and I were over and it wasn't coming back. Now, again I feel its different. Maybe he's just smarter than me? I could possibly be mentally challanged.

7/25/2010

Josh called me last night.. late last night. I hate my voice in conversation, especially over the phone when I talk to him. I see how he could find me highly annoying. Talking to him brought up alot of questions in my head as of where I am in life right now and reminded me of all the bad shit I've done in my past that has made me who I am. I dont want to hinder everything he's accomplished and I'm not sure if I am stable enough financially to have a positive outlook on life. My poor credit shouldnt have to interfere with his life in anyway. He told me to call him today when I was done doing makeup for a photoshoot, so I did, he sounded sad... I hated my voice and this is when all of these other questions about my current life situation arose. I always thought that Josh would have all the answers and I still do. Maybe I'm just not ready to admit that. Or maybe I am and I'm just now realizing it.

7/23/2010

I've been having a big nose week. Meaning... my nose gets really swoll sometimes and becomes even bigger than it is normally. I hate it. It makes me insecure to the max. Its okay right now. Its gone down a bit.

Oh! I finally got my car insurance reinstated today. Less stress. More payments to worry about. I'm pleased though. Went from paying close to $300 a month to $50 a month. I'm satisfied.

7/20/2010

My finances are upside down. Im driving a car that I feel is bit rediculous and stuck in a contract of which I feel the monthly payment is way too high. Should have thought about that before signing the papers, right? It brings me down. At the same time I had to have a car and $2,000 to pay my way out of court fees and this DWI course that the state mandated I take in order to finish out my probation. The dealership where I got my car was the only place around that would give cash upfront and allow me to walk off with a new car. Wish I hadn't of done that. A used car would have suited me just fine. Or even maybe a different dealership would have given me a cash loan upfront? AH, my Dad's got two broke ankles and I hate asking him to have to take off work to help me out... or even having to walk around long distances. He's an electrician and when he was younger working on the telephone poles missed his step, wasn't wearing the safety harness and fell off from the very top and landed on both feet crushing his ankles. Several surgeries and metal bolts implanted to hold them together, they still aren't working right. Drives me and my Mom crazy.

So yea, needless to say my finances are out of control right now. I still owe to keep my license legit and I can't even afford car insurance for the damn thing, much less the actual car payment itself.

Still living at home, I've been doing lots of freelance makeup work, weddings, photo shoots, etc. Still collecting unemployment. Trying to figure shit out.

Last week I sang my first real show with a friend of mine from highschool. His songs are really good. We harmonize pretty well. A couple of my friends came out. It was at one of my favorite clubs which I go to quite frequently. It was pretty cool. I still need to sing louder though.

7/12/2010

My finances aren't lining up like they should be. Nothing is lining up the way it should be...

7/11/2010

The last time I saw Josh. Lets see. I believe it was when I drove to Fort. Worth to get my nose pierced. He was driving a jeep. Where he got it I dont know. Maybe he was following me? I dont know who's it was... But the last time I slept with him was almost a year ago. Atleast nine months. I remember because his birthday is Aug. 8th and I couldn't drive that night so I was at home... then a few weeks later I ended up going over to his place. I haven't slept with anyone else since. He textd me and wanted me to come over but I I knew that if I went to his place that I would feel like a whore on call so I didn't. Sometimes I regret not seeing him that night and sometimes I feel it has bettered me as a person. My dry spell from alcohol has expired. I've been going out again and drinking at home. Its not fun but I do it anyways because it numbs me from all the other thoughts in my head that try to detour me from the person who I want to be, from the real me. I'd rather be a little numb knowing that what I believe is differnt and my hurt the person next to me as opposed to catering to everyone around me. I've try that life and it kills me faster that standing up for what I believe in. I will say this however, I've gone out a few times thinking that Josh would be there and in return the night grew empty and cold and I ended up meeting other guys who were fairly nice and could hold a conversation with me. One in which I slept on his couch. That was it. Passed out on his couch then he politely invited me to swim at a public pool with him. My mind is grewling me. Telling me that I am a horrible person for this. I can say that I was wrong for doing this but I don't regret it. I haven't had sex with anyone else since Josh and I dont regret that at all.

I take that back, the last time I saw Josh was at this random show I went to at The Cavern. He was standing in the front. He didn't say anything to me accept "nice try boo". I stayed for like 2 seconds, had a drink and left after everyone exited for a cigarette break. I felt out of place and highly insecure from this other girl that was there that night, I see her around alot.

The other night I left my regular kareoke hot spot and traveled on over to The Cavern. Before I even went inside I saw abunch of kids standing outside, one of which was the girl that makes me highly insecure. She says to me "Oh hey, Joshes band is playing tonite..." I wanted to go inside. Couldn't do it. I left. I felt stupid and betrayed. On the verge of tears I lit a cigarette and went back to my kareoke regime.

7/10/2010

Josh isn't the same person anymore. I barely recognize him. This makes me scared. I guess he thinks I'm crazy. I dont think he can handle my love for him. I think it freaks him out. I dont know. Maybe I am crazy. Haha. Or maybe not! But it makes me sad that I can barely recognize him. In all means of being able to recognize someone of whom you cared deeply for. Or still do care deeply for without becoming obsessive. I dont know what you think about love but I find that true love has to be a bit obsessive. He says he doens't know what to expect out of me, he doesn't know which "hollye" he'll get. Well thats how I feel about him. How can you truely love someone who you dont know? Is it something you learn or is it instilled in the person who are to become? Who you are constantly becomming. Kinda like a ripe peach...

7/10/2010

Obesity isn't something that I like to talk about often but when it comes to describing people in my life whom I am close to, guess you could say it fits. I've always had weight issues. That meaning, I've always been the fat kid. Since I was little. I've been the fat kid. It ties into who I am now and the way of life that I'v been living for the past three years. Its hard being 5 foot tall and eating the foods that most people do. Its unrealistic entirely. A person of my statue can rarely eat. We process the fod alot slower. The only thing to speed up the metabolism is either a speed laxative or alcohol. Plain and simple. I hate it. I'm always comparing myself to the other girl on my left... and right with C cup boobs and legs the length of Texas. Now that I am 24, almost 25, I've come to the realization of what I can and cannot eat but being around my family all the time makes it three times harder to be myself and actually be happy with my body, remembering that the man I want to be with could have any girl he wanted with or without C cup boobs at his dissmissle. Ugh. Its annoying. Its tough. Guess you could say that I am over it but there is always a reminder that there is someone else out there who is way more beautiful who he could be with.

I wish my mom wasn't as big as she is. For several reasons. We could be alot closer. It makes me realize that she's not happy and as much as I wish I could fix it I know that I probably can't. There are always things our parents dont want to talk about. I love her for who she is but misscommunication has torn us further away the older I get.

7/8/2010

The uncomfortableness of living at home at the age after 18 can eventually become unbearable. To a hypersensitive person especially. Or even of someone with a great imagination. It has pretty much gotten to that point in my life. The fact that my family loves me so much creeps me out. I feel neglected and non respected, unheard or listened to and at the same time overly stimulated in areas of which I should not be stimulated in. Like I'm not being listened to. So fine. Dont take my advice or opinion. this may affect my behaviour in which case you should understand why. Alot of times I feel manipulated and drawn into situations of which I have no control or benefit of being in. I'm on a soap box. Its extremely difficult me living here. I feel like an expirament, not a loving being, much less an adult. Hopefully, my children, if I have any, wont have to feel this way.

Today is my mother's 46th birthday. I made her a Lemon cake with cream cheese frosting. Thats the kind she wanted. And my grandmother is here visiting. We'r about to eat fried fish for dinner.

I really want to get rid of my car and move out and have a steady income that allows me to live a happy life, not constantly having to live in fear that things will be taken away if I do something "bad".

My dad looks like shit. He's too young to be this overworked and tired. Hes worked himself ragged and exhuasted himself in which has allowed him to be taken advandtage of. I dont know what to do anymore because no one is listening to me and it seems like no one is telling me the truth. So I pretty much feel that I have every right to honestly speak how I feel because without truth all we have are lies and disbelief which creates a reality of non existance.