7/26/2010

So I found out that he's in one of my favorite bands a little over a year ago. It was while I was on probation. I was driving home from class in the middle of summer in the Texas heat. No AC, breathalizer installed and listening to my Ipod which was blarring his music while I sat in trafic on hwy 75. No one told me it was his band or his voice... it was an older recording, him from a previous point in time. He had released an amazing, actually two amazing albums, without me having a clue. Both of which I had gotten through a friend of mine on a burned CD of mp3's a couple years prior but had never really listened to until then. After a couple of listens and a few leaked songs online I had heard I knew it had to be his voice. Guess you could say that I felt really stupid. Because of what he has achieved musically with this band, I feel seperates us tremendulously, in my mind he could have any gorgeous girl that wanted to be with him, even a famous actress or musician if he wanted. I get insecure alot, I could go into detail but its the same typical girlie bullshit that we all stress over and tear our selves apart with. I think this is why I gave up so many times in my mind as to having any hopes of us maintaining a real relationship. I couldn't imagine him wanting to choose me, he was accomplishing greater things, and no matter how much I wanted to be with him- knew I couldn't so I gave up. Gave up on life, on any sort of real happyness with anyone but him, the idea of being with anyone else now sickens me. Before, I could get fucked up and sleep around becuse I just didn't care about anything because in my mind Josh and I were over and it wasn't coming back. Now, again I feel its different. Maybe he's just smarter than me? I could possibly be mentally challanged.