The last time I saw Josh. Lets see. I believe it was when I drove to Fort. Worth to get my nose pierced. He was driving a jeep. Where he got it I dont know. Maybe he was following me? I dont know who's it was... But the last time I slept with him was almost a year ago. Atleast nine months. I remember because his birthday is Aug. 8th and I couldn't drive that night so I was at home... then a few weeks later I ended up going over to his place. I haven't slept with anyone else since. He textd me and wanted me to come over but I I knew that if I went to his place that I would feel like a whore on call so I didn't. Sometimes I regret not seeing him that night and sometimes I feel it has bettered me as a person. My dry spell from alcohol has expired. I've been going out again and drinking at home. Its not fun but I do it anyways because it numbs me from all the other thoughts in my head that try to detour me from the person who I want to be, from the real me. I'd rather be a little numb knowing that what I believe is differnt and my hurt the person next to me as opposed to catering to everyone around me. I've try that life and it kills me faster that standing up for what I believe in. I will say this however, I've gone out a few times thinking that Josh would be there and in return the night grew empty and cold and I ended up meeting other guys who were fairly nice and could hold a conversation with me. One in which I slept on his couch. That was it. Passed out on his couch then he politely invited me to swim at a public pool with him. My mind is grewling me. Telling me that I am a horrible person for this. I can say that I was wrong for doing this but I don't regret it. I haven't had sex with anyone else since Josh and I dont regret that at all.
I take that back, the last time I saw Josh was at this random show I went to at The Cavern. He was standing in the front. He didn't say anything to me accept "nice try boo". I stayed for like 2 seconds, had a drink and left after everyone exited for a cigarette break. I felt out of place and highly insecure from this other girl that was there that night, I see her around alot.
The other night I left my regular kareoke hot spot and traveled on over to The Cavern. Before I even went inside I saw abunch of kids standing outside, one of which was the girl that makes me highly insecure. She says to me "Oh hey, Joshes band is playing tonite..." I wanted to go inside. Couldn't do it. I left. I felt stupid and betrayed. On the verge of tears I lit a cigarette and went back to my kareoke regime.
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