12/28/09

Where do I begin? It's around 2am, I'm 1/2 way drunk and waiting for my boyfriend to call. I say boyfriend because he's a boy and he's my friend. I may never see him but he called me on my birthday at 4am and that says something. He was the first one to call! But anyways... I just left the bar with one of my closest friends. I really dont have alot of friends. The more people that you eliminate from your life, the closer you become to God (I have found).

Science says that by the age of 24 your brain should become fully developed. They taught me that in all of the psyche classes I've had to take for "substance abuse". I started smoking cigarettes at the age of 17.. I was in highschool and I thought it was cool and rebelious. Never really taking into realization the fact that CANCER was/ is a real metaphysical entity in which can take over all the cells in your body and turn you into and mean, angry sick person. I couldn't comprehend that idea up until 2 months ago. My dad is a tabacco conesuer, which means he dips, which means he sucks on chewing tabacco all day. It never really bothered me up until this past year. Everyone talks about "cancer" which is a disease that has become socially exceptable and has taken away from the true meaning of what the disease really is a symptom of... (... symptom meaning... you tell me!) I believe that all sickness is a form of some probability within the mind, brain, ego- if you will, of whomever it may exist within.

I went to "the bar" tonite. Actually two bars to be exact. I love going out and getting fresh new scenary. Since I've been locked up in my parents house for the past few months after loosing my apartment due to the lack of funds, I enjoy a good meet outside. to anywhere really. But going into bars can become expensive.

12/21/09

I woke up to my aunt calling me this morning and the only thing I can remember about the conversation was me saying "John Lennon" and then I woke up.

12/7/09

The closer I become in touch with myself, my God, the harder it becomes for me to remember things. Just little things. For example, a really cool new theory someone might enlighten me with, buying the material for that idea or project, and the contacts in which I need to posess or maintain those ideals. Basically, the things I need to do in my spare time or when I get off of work. I might be expiriencing something momentary during the begininng stages of the day and I'll exute all my energy into that one action and in the midst of it all, I might gain a slight bit of clarity of somesort pertaining to one idea or concept in my mind will have an epifany that will seem highly important at the time, but due to my current self or space in time, my mind can't seem to keep those at a surface level where I am allowed to explore it to a more advanced level. Thus, allowing myself to become disstracted from the stem of my recognition and loosing touch with the basis of my new found idea. Maybe this is what happens with the coming of age. I should write things down more often. Mental blocks, defects of character... that is what I'm working on right now. And wanting to see Him more. Knowing whats true and remembering not to deny myself or any of the thoughts or ideals I have found within myself that make up who I have become. If I denied any part of it, who I have become would be worthless. But to learn and carry on is what is important.

12/3/09

MYSPACE.COM/DJANGOTIME
"Skies over Cairo"
this is not for talking
i wish, i wish
i could see you
so serious
so serious

12/2/09

" You're trying to dissprove my scientific exploration and I don't like it! "
- Me (in reference to my Dad)

11/30/09

I think I overstepped my boundaries today. Since I've been off of probation, I was able to trade in my run down old car that I had been driving and in return recieved an advanced loan to pay off my debt. I've been driving my new car for about the past two months, just made the first car payment. So now that the amount of the loan I've taken out for the new car has become more apparent, I dont feel the amount of the loan is a just amount for the quality of the vehicle. I love the body style, the expirience and time I had with my father while purchasing, and the customer service of the sales representative... but 18k is alot of money! So, I called the bank in which the loan was taken from and they called me to talk to the dealership. I called the dealership and spoke to a sales rep, they told me to call the dealership of the different car that I was interested in buying from. I got in touch with the new dealership and the guy happily was wanting to work withh me. Explained to him my entire situation, he told me to come in and we'll see. I just wanted to see if I could even get approved before talking to the sales man who sold me my currant car. Long story short, I forgot or didn't even take into account that my dad was the co signer. When it came time to fill out the approval paper work, they needed my dad's information. I called him, told him the situation and he totally didn't agree with me at all. Says that I made a deal with him, I signed the paperwork of my current choice of car and that was that. Even though I told him I felt unsafe driving it and that it was not worth the amount of money I am now going to owe. I was really upset, caused a scene in the dealership, unintentionally, and was confused as to how my dad still has the amount of control over me. If he had already co signed for the currant loan and the new dealership was willing to work with me on the situation... why would my dad dissagree about trying to get a better car for myself? It'd be about the same amount of money, I'm the one paying it off. I feel like we got ripped off and thats my fault for letting emotions get involed while purchasing. Never buy a car from a sales guy who reminds you of your boyfriend and uncle in the same person. He's supposed to remind you of your Dad. I know this now. And I should have been more outspoken about how unhappy I was with the quality of the car since I've been driving it. I probably should have confronted my Dad first before going to the new dealership... but then again I really didn't see that to be neccesary. I thought he would atleast trust my judgement. I think that if I would have talked to him about it previously then things wouldn't have happened the way they did, obviously. But not for the better, I dont know. I feel bad about it now, the whole situation. I will most likely apalogize and try to forget about it tomorrow. Or atleast talk to my Dad some more.

The point is the dealership was willing to work with me, and that's a good thing!

11/23/09

My thoughts are becoming louder. Especially at work. People are realizing that I am alot smarter then they thought. Or atleast that is what they want me to believe, it seems. I have to be careful though, trying not to offend. To talk and listen at the same time is pretty difficult. I can hear others too. But mainly statements and questions. Not numbers or locations yet. But I can hear from other men and apparently I'm not supposed to. I dont believe that though.

11/18/09

Today, for the first time... I told a guy off by using my MIND. While I was crying, I believe I said, "Yeah.. Don't Fuck your Daughter, Man." Then I continued to purchase the CD and walked out. I think his reiteration was "I know I know... what a dirty little mouth." True Story. I felt like I was being escorted out of the store. Didn't know the guy and I had no harmful intentions towards him whatsoever.

11/16/09

I survived my probation. Bootcamp for life. That's what it felt like. Anyways, it is over and done. I couldn't fathom the idea at first. A year without drinking or drugs. However, there was the occasional "slip up" and drinking binge. To tell me that I couldn't drink alcohol at age 23 was difficult for me to accept. Just the idea that someone had the authority over me, or the power to tell me I couldn't do something really made me mad. Especially as an American citizen- Hell... that's my God given right, right? To do what I want. So a year to grow up! Sounds petty and small. Only a year of sobriety. To each his own. Honestly, I didn't think I'd live to see 21. When I was in Elementary School, I remember looking up to the 5th graders and thinking that'd I'd never live to be that old or that cool.

They say the human brain fully developes at the age of 24. I dont know if that is scientifically proven. But I'm guessing it's a general statement or figure that scientists want us to believe. However, my brain must have been in ultra growth mode over the this year because I hear more clearly then I ever have before... or well, more certain that I hear now.

11/10/09

Love Stinks.

10/14/09

I am constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. Why? And to who? Are people really watching or following me? Are they listening to me through my computer?! Watching me through the television? Why would this God, of my understanding, help me through so much struggle, reveal himself, and then become too complex? I'm to the point where insanity slips in! Unhappyness and a total loss of self are my feelings at this time. All because I feel God reveals Himself and becomes more visible in my life which enables me to gain better knowledge of my surroundings. But with knowledge, it leads me to question more things. I am once again insecure and unhappy. Then I have to sit back and remember all of the promises that have come true, everything I have witnessed helps me keep my Faith. Finding that medium or balance of knowledge and faith brings justice into our lives. It seems alot of the trouble I've been in stems from being too stupid! I always think that if I had paid more attention to things in the past or listened more that I would be smarter today or something... But, we all do "stupid" things and those little mistakes can set you back 2 weeks or spring you forward ten years. It's quite odd. The whole idea of time is quite odd. But I try not to dwell on the past, that leads me off path. It is learning from the past that make a "stupid mistake" nonexistant.

I want to be myself today and expirience life on life's terms- I want to endeavor every moment. At this present time... haha, it's another AA meeting.

10/7/09

I was discharged from Recovery Healthcare today. It has been a year of classes three times a week, AA, meetings with my sponsor and counselor, my monthly appearence with the Dallas Court System and not to mention my Probation Officer. I'm anxious. I feel that I have fought through all of this to maintain my self. My true self. I've battled mental anguish and pain. And I say that lightly because I dont see myself as a profound dramatic person. I think we all expirience those feelings just on different levels of intensity. Something may be terribly extreme to one but cliche to another. I've had thoughts of "What's the point?" and Ideas of suicide. At one point I had the theory (and its funny because I met someone at AA who had the same thought) that I actually had died the night of my arrest and everything I was reluctantly going through the motions of was actually Hell. That my life had become a true living Hell. If you have seen the movie Wristcutters then you know exactly what I am talking about. The theory is based along those same lines. And now that I'm thinking about it, I hope that by watching that movie it didn't develope or curb my perception on reality. Probably not... just was revealed to me in a more symbolic, artistic way of understanding.

My constant prayer has now become, not the serenity prayer, but, "Dear God, Please show me your greatness today. Reveal to me something new, something worth living for."

Posessions and "stuff" are only survival tools of the world but whats the point of a toolbox if you never need to use your tools? Things wont make you happy... well maybe for a short time... but its what you do with those things or tools that can bring you happyness. Your intent I should say. Because even happyness and contemptment can will last for so long. But to live in Joy. That is one of the greatest accomplishments of being on this earth. I believe in living a harmonious life is our purpose on this earth. In your mind, spirit, and with the world around you. Joy in knowing that you are living your life to it's full potential. Being able to sleep at night knowing that you made the right decisions during that day and honored God in the process.

Now I should speak more about my faith. The only way I can explain or describe "faith" is that its an ideology, thought, or belief which proves itself to be true in your life. As it is a thought or idea that is not seen, not physical or tangible, but something in your life that you cannot doubt or question. For example, the idea of Santa Clause. We all know the story of the jolly fat man who lives at the Northpole with lots of Elves who make toys and then sneak down your chimney on Christmas Eve and give them to all the good little children in the world. Just because you are taught to believe that as a child, doesn't neccesarily mean that old man with rosie cheeks and a large beard is the one eating those cookies you left out for him that special night. The story or belief in Santa Clause is just the story or image of the thought process. In actuality you have the faith of Santa even though you can't see him and he may not be the way you imagined him but regardless you still get those gifts in the morning. This is a simple and not so good example but as a child you have the imagination or faith that Santa Clause is real, even though we know it is just a story, the spirit of Santa does exist and I guess that is the basic way to explain Christmas... or touch base about faith in general.

The opposite of Faith is Fear. And why would anyone want to live their life constantly being doubtful of their existance? It's exhausting! I have done my fair share of living in fear and its the most confusing, depressing state of mind. I'm deffinately not saying that I have it all figured out- the universe, God, Jesus Christ! Love, Heaven or Hell. But I will say that at age 23 I am finally comfortable with the person that I am today and believe that God is the ultimate judger and only I can do so much. 90% of the time I am putting my hands up and asking God to lead me in the right direction because if I tried to figure constantly figure out what was best for me, I would be living in Hell (this leads me to my next theory of Self Destrution). We are instilled with moral value and ethics but I think we find our beliefs along the path of life and its how we share them that intertwine our lives.

I believe that everyone has a different perception of life, and that perception is what creates our reality. Faith is the basis of this reality. Considering that we are spiritual people, we defer right from wrong. And with that knowledge is enlightenment which brings you closer to God, that alone is between yourself and God. If you follow, He will lead.

Now, due to my lack of making better choices... I have to attend a Mother's Against Drunk Driving seminar to finish off my probation period.

10/3/09

Once you start to understand yourself, you start to understand the world around you... once you begin to understand the world around you, you begin to understand yourself... and when you begin to understand yourself, you start to understand the world around you... and so on...

9/24/09

Once while attending my regular church at the time, I heard a sermon from a guest speaker they had while I was attending a conference. His name was Jay Bakker, son to Tammy Faye and Jim Bakker (evangelist seen on the local Christian Network). Otherwords, Christian Celebrities whose lives had been on close watch and exposed on teevision worldwide for years. But that statement in itself is not a topic I would like to go into detail about right now. However, I'm going to touch base on a sermon I heard from Jay. He said something so profound that I has stuck with me for the past three years and I often ponder the phrase. He said something along the lines of "Being someones friend because you're "supposed" to as a Christian, and loving them, in all sincerity, isn't the true love of Christ."

When he said that it blew my mind. I never thought about having a calling or duty as a Christian to befriend someone just because it was my "job". He said that he had met many Christians growing up who in the end turned out that they didn't much care for WHO HE WAS they just felt like it was their duty to befriend him. Now I have reached a point in my walk with God... and I'm almost paranoid you could say that my fellow brethren, regarldless if they love me or not, are their to help me but is it the ME that I really am that leads one to connect to another? Or else why would God have you in the same place as the other if it wasn't his calling or will for the two to have the same ideal of God, the ultimate. Alpha and Omega as the same God and in return find that love within each other.

I want to love and be loved for the uniqueness God has given to me and others.

Is agape love something that causes one to grit their teeth when they have to be around someone to love even though they can't stand being in their presense? I dont know. Does God work like that? Does My God work that way? I mean, I can't stand alot of things in my family but I still love them. Now... I dont force myself to love them. I ask God to change that in me and be open and accepting to his will for the person or situation.

Is agape love the type we have for family and others around us, including the one that God has designed us to be with. Or is that love between the two something different. Are we called to "help" other brothers and sisters because we are supposed to or because we want to or because we truly love them? And then at what point does that agape love change... or does it? Some thing I have yet to figure out, hoping God will reveal some sort of answer soon. I'm blaming it on the fact that I am female.

Oh... and refuring back to one of my previous post about the Justice system in Texas. Only God is the true Justifier. We have faith in Him to restore our short comings and bing Justice to where it is due. Man is simple human, fallable on or at command... to try his best and regulate with as much good as possible to help us along our path. It took me a year to realize the true importance of authority in America. And what it really is.

9/12/09

I think truly finding God and understanding it is alot for a person to feel and once they are blown away, emotionally wrecked... there should be some slight form of prize or reward... Heaven?

9/12/09

I've contemplated suicide several times. For some people they may hear this from someone and think that statement is so absurd. For others, well... In my opinion we've all been there. Or atleast at some point in your life you should feel completely helpless. For some this time may be as a small child. For for the child that has been granted everything they have ever needed or even wanted, this feeling of helplessness is hard to find or understand.

As a person of innocense grows, their understanding and lack of intelligence can hold them back from obtaining or overcoming larger obstacles in life that they feel they need to accomplish to fulfill their destiny. When one feels that have gone beyond lengths time and time again and tried to get that true feeling of happyness and a spirit of love back, and then just comes back feeling empty. This is when Maslow's Heiarchy of needs starts to tumble and instead of feeling fear or anger... true helplessness sets in one truly deeply wants to end the pain and suffering they feel. Like a wounded animal that has been shot and would just rather somone come snap its neck off because they dager they feel in the heart just isn't killing fast enough and the pain is too much to endure.

There are several forms of suicide. Otherwise known as the 7 deadly sins. You can contemplate, fantasize, act in it or just wish it would happen or that by some fate God would just make it all go away.

When I become selfish is when fear sets in and blocks off all contection to God.

I become fearful when I dont feel justice.

When I recieve justice I am humbled.

When I am humbled I am broken and want to be fixed and put back the right way.

How do I do that? I can't. Just have faith that God will do it. Now, If I allow him to take hold maybe I'll turn into the wonderful little princess that I fantasize about. But I know I'm not royalty. I gave that up years ago when I made a choice to have sex and drink more than a good girl should.

However, I would be truley grateful to know love. True love from someone else who may give a damn and who may have gone through these same feelings that I have. I love my parents and I KNOW they love me but thats not the kind of love I'm talking about.

Actually, what is love? Selflessly caring for someone else? Being willing to die for what it is you believe? Yes. I think both of these statements are some forms of love. Not doing what you want but doing what you need.

Freedom and luxury are ideals of the human mind, and America, that maybe my mind cannot fully comprehend as of now. Hell, I can barely understand politics at 23.

I think truly finding God and understanding it is alot for a person to feel and once they are blown away, emotionally wrecked... there should be some slight form of prize or reward. Or annoitment to some kind of higher level of some sort.

9/11/09

I didn't quite comprehend Christianity until I was in my early 20's. My family taught me that I was a Christian, as a child. We attended church and my mother's father was a Pastor of a church of the Baptist faith. We would attend his church quite frequently as well. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was five years old. I remember an older boy at my Grandpa's church getting Baptized. Me, being the curious little girl, wanted this to happen to me as well. My parents had me attending child classes ("children's church") since I was a baby pretty much and there I learned several Bible stories and teachings about the faith. At a young age I learned that I was going to Heaven and I would have eternal life. What exactly that meant I wasn't quite sure. But I knew that God loved me for accepting Jesus. After telling my Mom that I wanted to become a Christian, she sat me down with my Grandpa and they both told me what a serious decision it would be. Then he prayed with me and I asked Jesus to come into my heart. The Baptism took place at my Grandpa's church. My Mom says that she knows I was sincere in my decision because immediatley afterward I asked her if my younger brother would be going to heaven too. For the longest time this was my justification for believing in the fact that I was a Christian and I was saved. You could say that I relied on that for the basis of my faith for the majority of my adolesnce.

7/31/09

So I am at yet another AA meeting. As soon as I walk in, a man who was just released from prison asks me for the groups telephone number and I politely give it to him. Yet he insisted on carrying a conversation with me and it took all I had just to respond back in a nice tone, I was a bitch, I dont like talking to strangers. Especially 50 year old men who were just released from prison. Oh! And to top it off, at the same time that guy was talking to me, a younger boy walks in and asks to speak to me "privately". Feeling completely awkward like my boundaries has been pressed against, I oblidge and speak with him. I get out of my seat and walk closer to him... but not too close (because I have this imaginary telephone booth that I keep with me wherever I go and you aren't allowed inside unless I invite you) and he apalogizes for inviting me to Six Flags with him a few weeks prior for July 4th. We met July 3rd at the same meeting hadn't seen or spoke before or after until this very moment. I dont spend holidays with strangers. Especially ones I meet at AA. Thanks. I told him not to worry about it, it wasn't that big of a deal. I didn't really know why he was apalogizing to me to be honest. I hadn't gotten mad at him when he invited me. I just said "Thanks man, but that's allright... I'll find something else to do."

Does that make me a Bitch? Probably. I dont know.
But it also makes me feel extremely uneasy to think about spending a day at Six Flags with some random dude I met at AA.

As he was apalogizing I couldnt help stare at his blue eyes, blonde hair, silver hoop earrings and bad tattoos. I felt bad for the guy I really did. I wanted to go Six Flags with him, I wanted to make him happy! Really I did. Looking into his eyes I could see how hurt he was and I wanted to fix him desperately but I also knew that it wasn't my job. Someone else needed to be there. Maybe the dude from prison could help him out. Shit, I dont know. It was akward as Hell and I had to get out of there.

I felt bad. Many situations like that one keep happening to me at the AA meetings I attend.

7/29/09

I fell in love when I was 16. Guess you could say it was love at first sight. I had a boyfriend at the time. He was the kind of boyfriend that was almost "perfect". I met him in band class in the 6th grade. We maintained a friendship all the wat through highschool and at one point I thought I was going to marry him. But you dont want to marry someone that you aren't in love with. That's what I believe. I fell in love with a boy that I didn't even know. But when he walked in the room- I said to myself that I wanted to marry him. Not even knowing what God had in store for me, I would come to find out that he felt the same way too. Or so I thought. Or so I still believe. This is the only way I know how to explain Faith. Believing something you have found to be true, in your heart, even if you can't see it. This boy, or man, soon to be 24, will barely hold a conversation with me. Sometimes I blame him for my insanity but that's not fair. You can't blame your mentality on someone else's feelings. I have been wrong for placing him before everything in my life. Or have I? It has brought me closer to God. Galatians says that "God is Love". It has deffinately been a long, humbeling, rocky road. The more I grow spiritually, the closer I feel I am becoming to him. Or closer to or more like Jesus.

I was raised in a middle class, conservative, Christian family with Baptist/ Pentacost roots. This has made me who I am today. However, my parents faith is not exactly the same as mine. Generation to generation there is a revolution and a change, or expansion in the brain. As intelligence is a progression of the mind, faith and spirituality are as well and evolve within culture and belief. It is what you do with that change of Faith, no matter how similar or different it may be- to maintain your relationship with God (as you understand Him... or It).

7/24/09

One of the first things I want to touch base about is how unjust the Justice System is. The only reason I say this is because "guilty until proven innocent" is the motto they stand by- and they dont play when they say it, they mean it. If officers are overwhelmed with clients, over worked and underpaid, then why are they wasting their time with an innocent person? Is it kind of like when you are in grade school and the teacher or coach is the hardest on the brightest student or player? I'm hoping so because this has been the biggest test of my sanity thus far in my life. Now at 23 years I question alot more things in life, more than I ever had before.

Here are a few examples:
1.) Am I the only one who thinks about these things?
2.) Should I have realized this 5 years ago?
3.) Am I a "late bloomer"?
4.) Does that make me retarted?
5.) Can an idioit-savant really exist?

If so, what does that phrase really mean? These are just a few of the things I have been asking myself lately, pretty much on a daily basis.

July 2009

So it's early July and I've been sober for about 60 days now. I'm sitting at yet another AA meeting and theres an old guy going on and on... telling his story, his road to sobriety. I respect him very much for his time and compassion on the topic but I'm 23, I've worked an 8 hour shift, I hate my work attire, I'm sitting in a room full of strangers and all I want to do is go home and be with the person I'm in love with.

While I sit at these meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, the ones I have to attend atleast 3 times a week, the ones I've been attending for the past 6 months, that I'll have to keep attending for the next 4... my thoughts begin to race- I'll think about everything. How uncomfortable I am, what it is I need to be doing, what I did wrong that day and how to rectify the situation, what I did or didn't eat... whether or not I should snag some of the "free" coffee they provide. What bills I need to be paying and what can wait.

Now this brings up the topic of Probation. Specifically, Probation problems that I've run into. I go into the Dallas court house and have a Urinary Analysis done atleast once a month. It used to be twice a month but I have now been on Probation for 9 months and there is a problem with my piss being too clear, diluted they say. I'm sitting in the court now, waiting to speak with the judge about this matter. I have re-arranged my entire life pretty much to complete this program. I have paid off my court fees, paid off my lawyer, now all I lack are my probation fees and my extremely large bill with Recovery Healthcare (outpatient treatment center, which is more like a class I have to attend 3 times a week), on top of what I owe my family.

I feel as if I have catered my life to all of these people, of whom I owe a great deal of gratitude to. Yet I am frustrated that I am changing for the better and still seem to get punished, even when I am doing everything that I'm supposed to do. That means driving a 1989 Honda Accord with no A/C and a broken window that won't roll up all the way, a breatherlizer (interlock) device that I have to blow into to start my car and repeats its beeping noise so I have to blow into it about every 15 minutes, attend AA meetings 3 times a week, visit my probation officer and have a UA taken atleast once a month and appear in the Dallas County Court twice a month as part of the entire DWI court system program. This leads me as to why I am at the courthouse at 9:30 AM when I have to be at work at 1:30 PM. My pee is too clear and they think that I am hiding something. I thank them greatly for everything I have learned about myself in this program but now it's like they are beating a dead horse. I am doing nothing wrong and I still fee as though I am being punished. However, sitting here is allowing me to write all of this down. Now is really the time that I am preparing myself mentally to go back into the real world. My probation will be over in 3 months. I have to admit that I am nervous.

5/11/09

You think I would have learned my lesson after waking up in a jail cell, not quite remembering the night before. But I didn't. My head was pounding, my body ached all over, I was extremely dehydrated and vomiting up the breakfast they gave me which was a prepackeged "sandwhich" that you wouldn't even find a gas station, it was so bad. What got me there was quitting my job the previous day, drinking, smoking pot, drinking, smoking more pot, and drinking... and drinking more. I do recall beer and whiskey sours before blacking out. I left the bar without saying goodbye to anyone. Not that I was friends with any of the people there. I was just there to try and relieve my sadness, I knew alot of the people... I just didn't care enough anymore at that point to get to "know" them. So I left and blacked out while driving. Viring off into the opposite flow of traffic, dogging headlights as I see them try to drive past honking, I'm pretty sure someone called the cops. The next thing I know I see the flashing red and blue lights and about six cop cars surrounding me. The officer asked, "How much have you had to drink tonite?" and I said, " A couple." What I lie. That's the last I remmeber, Oh other than refusing to blow in a breatherlizer and failing many rediculous field sobriety test. So I woke up in jail scrubs and a huge bruise on the upper side of right hand, not recalling how I got either. According to my lawyer, while being taken in and finger printed, I was also interogated for about an hour on camera. Making statements of absurdity and complete nonsense, not being able to even recal my name or what all I had done that day. After finding out this information, I felt like my personal rights had been intruded and I was taken advantage of. But I didn't really care at that point because when it comes down to it, I was on a suicide mission and the Garland Police Department saved my life. I waited several hours in the jail cell, trying to sleep off my hangover before calling my parents. Feeling incredibly stupid and ashamed of what I was going to have to tell them, I did not want to make that phone call. I selfishly just wanted to die. There in jail, with 4 girls whom I did not know. But I called my parents and they lovingly forgave me, bonded me out, and got my car out of the impound. Damn thing didn't even have a scratch on it.

2008

Peter Pan. Mary Martin as Peter Pan. I was obsessed with watching this musical as a child. My neighbors owned the video and we would sit in front of their television watching it over and over again. Still to this day I'm not really sure if I could tell you why I loved it so much. Maybe it was the acting, or the singing, or the stage setting? Or maybe I was captivated by Mary Martin's performance and I really wanted to be her.

I dont really know what classifies a person's childhood as normal. But I feel like mine was normal. I can't think of a time that I was unhappy. Is that normal? I had a mother and a father, a brother, grandparents, friends, and cousins.