07/16/2011

Sometimes I get really mad and it's just because I've been hurt.

06/27/2011

I think that keeping the past in the past is the best thing for me. Does that mean I give up on all the good times I've had and just forget about them all? Theoretically, to achieve new happyness... yes. But thats almost impossible. However, what's not impossible is putting away all of the bad times and negative things that have left me bitter and angry. Just tucking those away and forgetting will help me to keep growing on a possitive level. If I keep holding grudges and remembering all the times I've been hurt, that's all I'm going to get out of life. I'll start hurting people and making them feel just like me which will make me feel hurt and it'll turn into one big cycle of hurt, angry, bitterness. That I dont need, no one needs. And in hopes... others will do the same thing with all the stupid shit I have done to them.

06/26/2011

Its hard for me to explain the way I felt when I saw the photo on Josh's Facebook of him and his then/now girlfriend. Complete humiliation maybe. Devistation even... that everything I had believed was completely false. I felt I gave everything to sobriety, to loving Josh, to listening to him, his music, his voice. Thought he was going to come sweep me off my feet. Thought he actually cared about me and loved me just as much in return. Then when I saw the photos of them together, everything changed. I grew even more bitter and angry then I had before. Literally like my heart was ripped out of my chest and served to me on a cold platter... for the second time. The girl he's with is gorgeous, I can't even compete, and all of my inadequecies turn me into one big basket case. This is how apathy has set in and left me lonely. Not only do I not care about all the women he has fallen in love with, I've stopped caring about my life, my future, my circumstances, school, friends, etc. ... this is not good. Really bad things happen when one does this.

Again, falling out of love with him is something new for me and can be quite scary. It's a completey new life, new way of thinking and decision making that I haven't quite been able to jump into.

06/23/2011

I dont know what love is. I'm finally going to admit to that.

06/22/2011

I've decided that I should start writing down my dreams. Mainly when they are interesting or if I feel they have some sort of meaning. Here we go... last night it felt like this dream lasted the entire night from the time I fell asleep to the time I woke up, even after sleeping through my alarm: I had rekindled my friendship with my old best friend Erin, it seemed like she was living across the street from me in a huge house. Kind of with her family but in a seperate house. Or maybe she just financially supported them. Not sure. But she had become divorced Lesbian who caoched a prestigious cheerleader coach for some really good sports team who made alot of money. We were older and somehow Josh was working for her. Valley or maybe as an assistant. Dreams are foggy like that sometimes. Erin and I were together alot and it seemed like Josh was constantly around watching us. It seemed like he was annoyed and wouldn't talk to me, kind of ignoring me. But I could tell he didnt have a girlfriend so I was still hopeful when I was around him. Then suddenly Erin kissed me and asked if I was serious about starting a relationship. This through me for a loop and I didn't know what to think. Although I remember loving the feeling that she was serious about being with me and had forgiven me and wanted to love me again. I woke up smiling and feeling really weird.

06/20/2011

Jealousy and bitterness is just something that I have to overcome. I need to get over myself and move on. Regardless if Josh loves me or not.

06/16/2011

We bleached my hair at school. I wanted to be blonde again. We bleached it three times and now it is a nice shade of pink... kind of a corally- neon-orange- pink. Everyone at school said I look like a highlighter its so bright. It was kind of an accident really. I blame my teacher but it has deffinately gotten me more attention then I'd imagine. It's supposed to be a temporary color. It'll wash out I'm sure. I've always wanted pink hair. But it probably wont last long and I'll keep it blonde or dye it back dark again.

And my cravings for alcohol are off and on. I'm trying not to dwell on it, I really dont care. I've become apathetic these days. To drink or not to drink, I don't care. I just can't fuck up anymore.


Someone is smoking too much... my chest hurts. This is why I quit.

06/14/2011

Alcohol has become my enemy. I think it's seriously time to put the booze down. The occasional beer being fine, especially on vacations. My tolerance just isn't the same and I'm doing more damage to myself then I actually thought I ever would.

I hate living at home with my parents. Alcohol was a solution to make it easier me being here. But now that I am blacking out more and having to blow into the breathalizer to start my car, it's just not worth it.

Oh, I dont take laxatives anymore. Those are bad. I quit that about a year ago when I realized that it was doing more harm to the people I love the most.

I'm pretty sure Josh hates me.

I keep having flashbacks of times when we were together. Just little moments in time that make me really happy. And then make me really sad and angry all over again.

Sometimes, I think I need to move away. Like I really wanna go somewhere far, maybe Portland, California, Canada. Who knows if it will ever even happen.

But for now, I think I'm going to start a kick boxing class. Or get a gym membership again or something.

06/12/2011

I have this problem called constipation... hahaha. Its like my body wont let me poop. Sometimes its fine, I'll go once a day. This past week. Not so good. I didn't have a regular poop all week. It makes me feel sick. I don't know if I'm just not drinking enough water anymore or what. That may be it but its like my body tenses up and wont let me release anything. It hurts. I get all bloaded and feel fat. I'm hoping its because I'm just not drinking enough water. I think this is what led to my laxative addiction.


So... it seems I had my Facebook settings set to private. I didn't know. Again, I kinda feel like everything I had been thinking now is false. Maybe I'm seriously going crazy. Hearing voices and listening to them. Not knowing who I'm actually listening to.

I got the breatherlizer installed in my car (for the second time). This is going to be a weird year. Maybe I'll finally move out of my parent's house.

06/07/2011

My last relationship... real relationship, was with a Nathan Scott Holman. We were together for about 4 years, give or take a few on and off breaks in between. But we lived together, in like three different places. I still had the majority of my things at my parents house but I would spend almost every night with him. And I'd go to school or work, or both, and then spend all my free time with him. We met through my best friend from Highschool, Erin. He was one of her roomates and we met and hit it off after drinking a bottle of Southern Comfort. I was still getting over my feelings for Josh. Told myself that there wasn't anyway for us to ever get back together. He had obviously moved on much faster than I had or could. I smoked alot of pot during this time which also led to me smoking methamphetamine with Erin's boyfriend on occasion. I dont know what I was thinking. Probably anything to hide how insecure and insignificant I felt inside. But I think Nathan probably made me feel better then all of the drugs I started doing. I would go to his band practices, watch him play video games, hang out with him and his friends at the recording studio, eat at Denny's alot... For a second I thought I was going to marry him. He had casually jokingly talked about it. Then the more drugs I started to do, the more girls he would hang out with when I wasn't around. It was hard for me to trust him. We would argue and breakup at times, it was usually because I was doing drugs or I brought up my feelings for Josh that wouldn't go away. But I really wanted to be honest with Nathan about it. He knew what my feelings were but he still loved me. Then after we both turned 21, we were drinking all of the time and he started hanging out with one of the girls in his band when I wasnt there. That led to us just being friends and having sex on occasion. And then that started to make me feel gross. Surprisingly Josh called me one night as I was on my way to Nathan's and I didn't know what to do, if he was serious or if he just wanted to have sex, I didn't know what his intentions were at that time... It had been like two years since I'd even seen him. Nathan and I had grown so close it was hard for me to get rid of the bond we still had. Needless to stay, I ended up going over to Josh's place and just sleeping next to him. I felt stupid for being with Nathan and left behind because I had no clue as to what Josh had actually been up to, I had missed him alot.. It was such a huge moment for me. I'm pretty sure I was in shock the entire time I was there. He said he was tired and that he didn't want to sleep alone. We watched The Graduate and went to sleep.

Its been years since then, Nathan and I occasionally speak. He's moved to Austin.. I've visited him a few times. Actually this past Thanksgiving to be exact. We had Burger King on Thanksgiving Day. I had french fries and a milkshake. It was probably the best thing I had eaten all year. I enjoyed my time with him, after finding out Josh was in a relationship with someone else, I thought that maybe Nathan and I could reconnect. But it just wasn't there. Maybe I was too pathetic? Maybe he had moved on? I don't know. But he took care of me and gave me the attention that I needed.

06/06/2011

Worked in Ft. Worth this weekend. The comute is little over an hour from my parents house. I got to stay with my friend Sara since I worked two days in a row. Shes been a loyal friend since I was 17. She knows pretty much everything about me. We are considering getting an apt. It all depends on what happens after I finish cosmetology school.

While driving on my way home, I heard a Coldplay song on the radiohead and it instantly reminded me of Josh. I really didn't want to think about him so I changed the station. Immediately in my head, I hear "Fine, I'm going to fuck her then."

Is this too part truth of my reality?

Or is it just my fear keeping me down, telling me I'm ugly, that I'm too fat and could never be good enough for him? Does fear itself have a voice? Can you relate that fear to people in your life?

All of these thoughts are exhuasting.

06/05/2011

I guess I spent too much time waiting for him to call me again to hang out like most people, or go to the movies or a bar, or record a song... I dont know... I was wrong. He had been dating someone, the pretty girl with dark hair and features not like mine, the whole time. I say the whole time meaning all the nights I was dreaming about him, listening to his songs, creating a falsity in my head that we would get back together. Once again, everything I had ever felt was proven to be false.

And having visions of him fucking her really doesn't make things any better.

I've known this for months now but the "visions" wont stop. After several nights of deep thought and serious consideration, I've quit second guessing myself... thinking that I was making it all up in my head and assuming things upon other people, I've come to the conclusion that the things I have been seeing are actually true.

The only one that could ever get me to forget about Josh lives across the country in a different state. THATS hard to accept.

06/03/2011

I didn't have sex for an entire year after Josh called me over to his apartment. We had sex. He helped me fix my car. I wanted to stay. I didn't want to leave. He called me over again a few weeks after that and I declined his invitation. I didn't want to be the booty call at 4 in the morning. Atleast thats how I felt. Even though I didn't want to be that girl, I'm still kicking myself that I didn't just go over to his place.

Its been about two years now since Ive seen him face to face in an intimate setting alone. Ive seen him out a few times only to hear "We have grown apart..." or "Sorry I interfeared with your life...".

06/02/2011

I'm having a hard time accepting reality. Especially my reality. Coming to the conclusion that the one person of the opposite sex who you pined over for years has offcially moved on and is attracted to other females who look like the complete opposite of me, thinner than me, larger breasts than me, better hair than me, more precise and pleasant facial features than me.... it is hard to accept. Very hard. And at the same time. Why do I feel compelled to be loyal to this person? Am I in denial?

Is it actually my father's love that I am scared to abandon? I thought I had already recognized that and moved on to something greater.

06/01/2011

I think I need to explain myself. To myself. Where should I begin. Where my feelings are. My feelings. Ha. Do I even have those anymore. Have a turned into one of those people who no longer have a conscious. Sometimes I think so, yes.

05/26/2011

I'm trying to recollect my thoughts on reality. What actually makes up your reality and the powers that are in control of it. I broke down and told my mom all my thoughts and feelings on the things I've become to notice... or believe. What I believe to be true. Of course she didn't believe what I had to say. Hahaha. I didn't really expect her to but I know things I've noticed are true and I can't change that so call me crazy but I dont care because I haven't tripped acid in about 6 years now so I know I'm not hallucinating when I see someone I know following me constantly. Or when my left ankle starts to hurt reall bad and thats the same ankle my dad has had massive surgeries on and finally fused off a few years ago. Or even when I keep gaining weight and I barely eat, throw up the majority of the time and all my parents eat is processed fast food meats and pizza which in return has made me mother to become fairly obese. I call this unjustice and a lack of progression in science and medicine in general. When the human connection goes futher than just physical or metaphysical entities, and theres not enough scientist out there to prove the facts. Thats a bummer... man. Haha.

I am drinking Modelo and its not wanting to go down so well.

I'm lonely. Seriously... deeply lonely. I dont want to constantly ramble about my unhappyness and confusion. I need someone who believes me and feels the same about findings in life.

This hair school thing is killing me. I'm beginning to wonder if it was a mistake to even enroll. But its almost over, I've only got about 2 in a half... maybe 3 months (if I keep missing class).

05/17/2011

Im in a piss poor mood. I just snapped at my dad. I said "Hey, I just got a free piano!!! I'll make room for it in my room" and he says "Why dont you use your mom's keyboard before getting a piano" and I said, "No way dad, I've played keyboard before... theres a huge difference!" and he stares at me and says "No no no, we had piano growing up... you should probably just play your mom's keyboard." and I said, " YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. Theres a huge difference in the way and feel that you play a piano, and it's completely different from a keyboard." And then he kept quiet. I think that almost made him cry. And now I feel like shit for snapping at him. I hate arguing, much less with my dad. I have so much frustration and anger built up towards him... towards life. Sorry dad. Didn't mean to snap, just thought you knew new me better. Or knew the difference in playing keyboard from piano.

05/13/2011

As I was sitting in the holding cell of Collin County Jail, all I could think about was listening to the Lady Gaga Cd I had bought the night before... and of course, what the hell was I thinking to have gotten myself into this situation again. Waking up in jail, hungover, not quite remembering what happened the night before. I remember being at the bar, having fun, singing karaoke, but I dont remember leaving or even driving. I assume I blacked out. I remember having a flat tire but not quite sure how I got it or how long I had been driving on it. The cops pulled me over. It felt like I was in a trance and as soon as I saw the blue and red flashing lights it snapped me out and instantly all I could think was "FFFUUUUUUUCCCKK!! What the hell am I doing, what the fuck was I thinking. My life is over, I just ruined everything. I want to run to Canada as soon as I get bailed out."

I've been hysterical the past couple of months. I seriously dont know how to handle my emotions.

I dont know how to handle the people around me. Sick of being paranoid. How to act towards them, how to connect. How to trust or believe what they are sayong is true and genuine. I just can't pick it out anymore. Sick of hallucinating... then getting paranoid, then mind games and then hysterical crying all over again. Its just this cycle that keeps testing my emotions. I dont like that. I dont need that. The only person Ive been trying to listen to is myself and I dont know what too much is too much for me anymore. Or maybe I just dont care anymore because if I had died on the way home atleast I would have died happy and half way unconcious already. Uhhh.... I'm so sick of feeling this way and crying all the time. Hysterical crying.


Its all the feelings of confususion with bits of betrayal and misunderstandings. Pure frustration with EVERYTHING. My brain, my family, the people who surround me, the ones who are brought into my life, for either a minute or even the ones who are there for years. Its like I'm constantly analyzing the motions of people and piecing them together in my life and I'm always asking why... why do things happen this way, Why am I made this way? What the hell is wrong with me?!

So now I have to go through the probation thing all over again. I really dont care. I dont even want to drink anymore. Hopefully I wont for a long time. This is deffinately a rude awakening. More so than the last one.

I need the thing in my life that makes me happy to finally surface. I'm tired of surrendering to my family, to my friends, and to myself. Always falling short and not being able to push through. I'm ready for it to be over.

05/05/2011

Im hoping that all the nights Ive locked myself up in my room. My room in my parent's house, crying, eventually pays off. My biggest fear is that it wont and Ill have wasted my youth and freedom. Im 25 and I feel 40. Im more accomplished than themajority of people I know and I cant begin to describe how much I hate myself for it because I feel like I cant relate to 99% of people around me. Guess ill get over it and move on. However, im not as accomplished as I want to be. For that matter Im no where close to where I need to be to be happy. Truth.

04/18/2011

It's a battle everyday waking up and getting to school. I know I wouldn't make it through if I wasn't getting grant money. That has truly been the main enccentive in getting me there. I have had some great morning drives on the way. Sometimes really emotional mornings where I can't stop crying and others when everything feels wonderful. Thise are the ones I really enjoy but at the same time, sometimes they make me feel stupid. And my reasoning for that is really complex and a long long story that I dont want to get in to at the moment. Lets just say that I get real bitter and jealous pretty easily. Hahaha, I'm not even ashamed to admit it and I really dont care what anyone else thinks about my reasining for the actions I make. It's way too difficult to try and please everyone around you all the time. It's exhuasting and makes me an even more bitter angry person. That is what I DONT WANT anymore. I hate feeling this way.

03/09/11

The first time I felt the burning prickle in my arm, I immediately started yelling and screaming in distaste. This sensation in my arm had happened a few times before- but not quite to this granduar. It felt like someone was shooting up herion in my hard. I had to keep shaking my arm and bending it up and down to get the burning feeling at ease. I even called Josh. No answer of course. But he would be the first person I'd blame, seeing as how I adore everything he does and is always the first person on my mind. To be honest I was fearful that he'd begun "shooting up". The second time I felt the burning in my arm, I immediately pulled over, I was driving again, and bought some beer and called in sick to work. I layed down on my bed contemplating what could be causing this other than blaming Josh. Maybe my Dad was in so much paid that that he had developed a herion habit, or maybe my Grandmother was where this was coming from, she's old, it would be completely acceptable at her age. Her husband passed away a few years ago and she hasn't been the same ever since. In my eyes, that would be reason enough. Dwelling on this has made me understand the "soul mate" concept. If one soul is spiritually connected to another, we begin to expirience happenings in our life that may be connected to someone else's soul. And it may not be the same soul all the time. We can love somone for one this and then love someone else just as much or more for another thing, that's was makes the soul tie. There are many factor's that go into the "soul mate" theory. But I still don't know who the burning sansation in my arm was coming from. I thought if I had started drinking again that it would give some relief for this happening. I even started going to the bar again in hopes of getting answers but no one seemed to get where I was coming from. Its been a few months now since this all started and it's not as strong at it was at first but I can still feel the burn everyone blue moon, I guess you could say.

Now, the pain in my foot... thats a different story. Sometimes I'm terrified of wearing heels. Not that it hurts me, but fear that it's hurting someone else.

I have no clue where to begin...

!?

They told me you were having sex with her while listening to me cry.

I'd really like to believe that it's not true.