12/12/2010

I hate myself a little more each day. Sounds dramatic, right? Right. Jealousy. Bitterness. I want to be left alone for days. But living at home prevents that from happening. I quit smoking again, in hopes that it woud bring a little more happiness to someones life. Don't know if this will benefit me for the better, so I guess we'll see. I'm still just really really mad, mainly because I am extremely jealous of any other girl with a cup saize larger than an "A". I keep rearranging my life over and over again in hopes of finding that person who'd be glad to be with me and even show me off. It means alot when guys do that sort of thing. Just being in that person's presence, knowing that they love you, both mutually the same, is an understanding and a beginning to new hope.

I think I may have said some pretty awful things, outloud... and in my head. Those things aren't always true. Anger turns into bitterness and bitterness can turn into hate.

I'm mad at myself. Over and over again Ive been thinking of all of the things I've done that were wrong and harmed people. I need some relief and I need it soon.

9/28/2010

I'm in the worst mood. And I can't even think straight.

9/27/2010

I looked at myself in the mirror today and said, "Oh, what a cute little boy in drag..." I feel like this alot but I laugh because I find it funny. I think it was just because my lipstick had turned a deep mauve color instead of a rustic dark red. I wiped it off and went back into the orientation I was attending for hair school. I'm home now and I'm left pondering todays events. While one side of my brain says that one must take care of ones self before taking care of others the other side of my brain says that one should take care of others before caring for oneself. I'm in search of this common ground in life or perhaps coming to a final belief system that I can agree upon for myself. I'm sure i'll figure it out, day by day.

9/21/2010

I survived my midlife crisis and I'm drinking the most amazing wine right now. Everyday my life seems to get more intense and I become more knowledgeable about myself and my surroundings... the company I was working for just pulled a number over on me and put me out on my ass. In return, I am enrolling in Cosmotology school this month. I'm already a licensed Esthetician and now I'll be able to do hair AND professional makeup. Its been months now but I'm still bitter towards managment. I recieved no call back or response. I applied for a more permamnent position in the company and was completely looked over. After being with them for the past 2 to 3 years, worked at every location, brought in high end clientel... they go and hire 3 new employees outside of the company. Three random poeple! One of which has never even had a job before in her entire life! Ugh.

9/11/2010

Finding out that my computer is nothing but a big baby monitor has changed my entire life. Realizing that there are people who can actually listen to everything going on in my room was quite scary. At first I was angry... I thought invasion of privacy, this isn't fair. Why are they even listening to me. So I just started singing. Found some recording software online and just record and sang, but this was before I knew people were listening. This is why I became angry when I found out. Then I just got over it and gave them the benefit of a doubt that whoever was listening would be trying to help me. Hopefully this turns out to be true. I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I've cried myself to sleep... and now, realizing that people, people I know, have been hearing this is pretty embarassing. I dont know where to go from here... this has been one of the few things leading up to my most recent breakdown.

9/09/2010

I left the crazy house today. Literally. Green Oaks. Local nuthouse for people with the crazies. I was only there for a night but I deffinately could have stayed alot longer if I needed to. Seeing Josh kiss another girl at the bar sent me over the edge. I fliped. I lost it. The next night I showed up to a pool party at one of my favorite bars in a bikini and cowboy boots. Unfortunately I was like the only on in a swim suit. haha. I ended up blacking out, yelling and hitting people. I woke up in my bed without my car. A friend had given me a ride home. I woke up naked. My mom freaked me out. I started hearing all kinds of voices in my head telling me all kinda of different things like "oh no... you did it again... he came inside her didn't he." Frist off I was way too beligerant to even have sex of any kind and I had a tampon in. And I just kept hearing people say "I bet it was her Dad... I bet he fucked her" Which the mere thought completely disguits me. Point being I needed help. Seeing Josh with another girl made me flip the fuck out and I dont really care. I've seen some counselors and apparently I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I spent the night in a chair, lightly talking to the girl next to me who had way more to say that I did. She was a meth head. Im pretty sure I had some rank gas because I had taken laxatives earlier in the day. hahah. I feel a daily poop is very much necessarry for everyone. So I guess i'm better now. My feelings are the same just a little numb so things wont hurt as much. My mom wont let me drink alcohol in the house anymore and I have absolutely no money to get any... and they are threatening to take the car away, which they pretty much already have since they wont let me drive it. Even though they are giving me anxiety pills, I still say alcohol is better. Or marijuana.

8/10/2010

I'm not hearing Josh as clearly as I should. He apparently thinks im crazy. I was at a popular kareoke bar the night of his birthday and accidentally got overly drunk. I was nervous he would be there but doubted that he would show up for kareoke considering I think he's alot cooler than that. He was with a girl that looked identical to the girl he left me for a few years back... the longer they stayed together throughout the night, the drunker I got. I blacked out after my third drink. I should have left earlier in the night but my perspective of our relationship I guess, I have percieved all wrong. In his mind completely wrong...? Yet he still refuses to confront me in person. I wanted him to talk to me. Maybe I'm dreaming? I passed out on the hood of someones car and got kicked out of the bar. I really dont care. I feel like everything is different now. I woke up on a friend's couch and kept reflecting on the previous night through out the day. It finally hit me that the girl he was with, was or is his now time, past or present girlfriend and they staged the entire event to sadistically humiliate me or being there in hopes that I would bring him the album I have of all the old photos of him from years back. I wanted to give these to him as a gift. Coming upon this epiphany, it changes my entire feelings towards him considering that he sent me a text message telling me that I was out of my mind and to stay away from him. I sent him one back telling him to get over himself. WE ALL have had bad drunken nights and fits. Im sure I acted retarded but he could have easily stopped me or gone somewhere else for the night. At this point I feel like I should move on but turning off your feelings just isn't that easy. All in all, I was pissed and bitter that he didn't invite and or include me and I had every right to get beligerant... he's lucky that I didn't take my clothes off.

Two things I need in life: honesty and the ability to accept intimacy.

8/04/2010

I love being at home when my Mom and Dad get off work and having the feeling that my body is being raped by their mind. NOT. Anytime they are happy or aroused... even just from eating, I become stimulated. It's extrememly uncomfortable. It's not supposed to be that way. Especially at 24.

It's not in the conscious mind that its happening but being recognized in. For instance my Father, I don't hear him saying things to me, but in the physical sense I can feel them. His auroa is rubbing off on me, literally. I can feel it in the spiritual. Even though he's not physically around me... I can feel and visualize his presence without me physically being close to him. I'm sure, if you're a girl and you have a dad then you know what I'm talking about. Or even if you're a guy and you feel as connected to your parents. It's just really annoying and I feel violated. Since I was younger, didn't know how to recognize it... or what the awkward feelings were, now I do and I feel taken advantage of and even manipulated at times. Even if it comes naturally the whole family bond ties spiritually. However, I still don't agree that a daughter should be this close to her father or brother physically. It would be easier if I could move out.

8/03/2010

The first thing I heard when I got up this morning was "Last night was nothing but a waste of money." I remember falling asleep in the back of some dudes car before dropping me off at a friend's house. The night was exhuasting. Me and a friend of mine saw a pretty hip band play at this club in a different city. It was packed, smokey, and I could barely breathe. They banned smoking in bars now but I guess this one wasn't playing by the rules. The set was good, music was really good but the entire night just had a weird feel. I saw lots of people I knew.. some I knew well, some I hadn't seen in awhile. I spent most of the night in line at the bar and if not in line at the bar then sitting outside conversing and enjoying the music. I wore heels again. I stopped wearing them when I go to work, they have begun to make my ankle hurt.. I dont know why. I used to wear really tall ones at work all the time. Now it just feels weird. Maybe they aren't the right ones.

Josh's 25th birthday is in a few days, I dont know what to do. I want to make him a cake. And cook him dinner. And have sex with him.

P.s.
they sent me a letter saying they cancelled my car insurance due to my license being revoked because I still can't afford to pay off all the fees from my DWI in 2007.

7/29/2010

My hips have gotten smaller. I think its because I haven't had sex in about a year. This makes me feel like a boy. I dont like it.

7/26/2010

So I found out that he's in one of my favorite bands a little over a year ago. It was while I was on probation. I was driving home from class in the middle of summer in the Texas heat. No AC, breathalizer installed and listening to my Ipod which was blarring his music while I sat in trafic on hwy 75. No one told me it was his band or his voice... it was an older recording, him from a previous point in time. He had released an amazing, actually two amazing albums, without me having a clue. Both of which I had gotten through a friend of mine on a burned CD of mp3's a couple years prior but had never really listened to until then. After a couple of listens and a few leaked songs online I had heard I knew it had to be his voice. Guess you could say that I felt really stupid. Because of what he has achieved musically with this band, I feel seperates us tremendulously, in my mind he could have any gorgeous girl that wanted to be with him, even a famous actress or musician if he wanted. I get insecure alot, I could go into detail but its the same typical girlie bullshit that we all stress over and tear our selves apart with. I think this is why I gave up so many times in my mind as to having any hopes of us maintaining a real relationship. I couldn't imagine him wanting to choose me, he was accomplishing greater things, and no matter how much I wanted to be with him- knew I couldn't so I gave up. Gave up on life, on any sort of real happyness with anyone but him, the idea of being with anyone else now sickens me. Before, I could get fucked up and sleep around becuse I just didn't care about anything because in my mind Josh and I were over and it wasn't coming back. Now, again I feel its different. Maybe he's just smarter than me? I could possibly be mentally challanged.

7/25/2010

Josh called me last night.. late last night. I hate my voice in conversation, especially over the phone when I talk to him. I see how he could find me highly annoying. Talking to him brought up alot of questions in my head as of where I am in life right now and reminded me of all the bad shit I've done in my past that has made me who I am. I dont want to hinder everything he's accomplished and I'm not sure if I am stable enough financially to have a positive outlook on life. My poor credit shouldnt have to interfere with his life in anyway. He told me to call him today when I was done doing makeup for a photoshoot, so I did, he sounded sad... I hated my voice and this is when all of these other questions about my current life situation arose. I always thought that Josh would have all the answers and I still do. Maybe I'm just not ready to admit that. Or maybe I am and I'm just now realizing it.

7/23/2010

I've been having a big nose week. Meaning... my nose gets really swoll sometimes and becomes even bigger than it is normally. I hate it. It makes me insecure to the max. Its okay right now. Its gone down a bit.

Oh! I finally got my car insurance reinstated today. Less stress. More payments to worry about. I'm pleased though. Went from paying close to $300 a month to $50 a month. I'm satisfied.

7/20/2010

My finances are upside down. Im driving a car that I feel is bit rediculous and stuck in a contract of which I feel the monthly payment is way too high. Should have thought about that before signing the papers, right? It brings me down. At the same time I had to have a car and $2,000 to pay my way out of court fees and this DWI course that the state mandated I take in order to finish out my probation. The dealership where I got my car was the only place around that would give cash upfront and allow me to walk off with a new car. Wish I hadn't of done that. A used car would have suited me just fine. Or even maybe a different dealership would have given me a cash loan upfront? AH, my Dad's got two broke ankles and I hate asking him to have to take off work to help me out... or even having to walk around long distances. He's an electrician and when he was younger working on the telephone poles missed his step, wasn't wearing the safety harness and fell off from the very top and landed on both feet crushing his ankles. Several surgeries and metal bolts implanted to hold them together, they still aren't working right. Drives me and my Mom crazy.

So yea, needless to say my finances are out of control right now. I still owe to keep my license legit and I can't even afford car insurance for the damn thing, much less the actual car payment itself.

Still living at home, I've been doing lots of freelance makeup work, weddings, photo shoots, etc. Still collecting unemployment. Trying to figure shit out.

Last week I sang my first real show with a friend of mine from highschool. His songs are really good. We harmonize pretty well. A couple of my friends came out. It was at one of my favorite clubs which I go to quite frequently. It was pretty cool. I still need to sing louder though.

7/12/2010

My finances aren't lining up like they should be. Nothing is lining up the way it should be...

7/11/2010

The last time I saw Josh. Lets see. I believe it was when I drove to Fort. Worth to get my nose pierced. He was driving a jeep. Where he got it I dont know. Maybe he was following me? I dont know who's it was... But the last time I slept with him was almost a year ago. Atleast nine months. I remember because his birthday is Aug. 8th and I couldn't drive that night so I was at home... then a few weeks later I ended up going over to his place. I haven't slept with anyone else since. He textd me and wanted me to come over but I I knew that if I went to his place that I would feel like a whore on call so I didn't. Sometimes I regret not seeing him that night and sometimes I feel it has bettered me as a person. My dry spell from alcohol has expired. I've been going out again and drinking at home. Its not fun but I do it anyways because it numbs me from all the other thoughts in my head that try to detour me from the person who I want to be, from the real me. I'd rather be a little numb knowing that what I believe is differnt and my hurt the person next to me as opposed to catering to everyone around me. I've try that life and it kills me faster that standing up for what I believe in. I will say this however, I've gone out a few times thinking that Josh would be there and in return the night grew empty and cold and I ended up meeting other guys who were fairly nice and could hold a conversation with me. One in which I slept on his couch. That was it. Passed out on his couch then he politely invited me to swim at a public pool with him. My mind is grewling me. Telling me that I am a horrible person for this. I can say that I was wrong for doing this but I don't regret it. I haven't had sex with anyone else since Josh and I dont regret that at all.

I take that back, the last time I saw Josh was at this random show I went to at The Cavern. He was standing in the front. He didn't say anything to me accept "nice try boo". I stayed for like 2 seconds, had a drink and left after everyone exited for a cigarette break. I felt out of place and highly insecure from this other girl that was there that night, I see her around alot.

The other night I left my regular kareoke hot spot and traveled on over to The Cavern. Before I even went inside I saw abunch of kids standing outside, one of which was the girl that makes me highly insecure. She says to me "Oh hey, Joshes band is playing tonite..." I wanted to go inside. Couldn't do it. I left. I felt stupid and betrayed. On the verge of tears I lit a cigarette and went back to my kareoke regime.

7/10/2010

Josh isn't the same person anymore. I barely recognize him. This makes me scared. I guess he thinks I'm crazy. I dont think he can handle my love for him. I think it freaks him out. I dont know. Maybe I am crazy. Haha. Or maybe not! But it makes me sad that I can barely recognize him. In all means of being able to recognize someone of whom you cared deeply for. Or still do care deeply for without becoming obsessive. I dont know what you think about love but I find that true love has to be a bit obsessive. He says he doens't know what to expect out of me, he doesn't know which "hollye" he'll get. Well thats how I feel about him. How can you truely love someone who you dont know? Is it something you learn or is it instilled in the person who are to become? Who you are constantly becomming. Kinda like a ripe peach...

7/10/2010

Obesity isn't something that I like to talk about often but when it comes to describing people in my life whom I am close to, guess you could say it fits. I've always had weight issues. That meaning, I've always been the fat kid. Since I was little. I've been the fat kid. It ties into who I am now and the way of life that I'v been living for the past three years. Its hard being 5 foot tall and eating the foods that most people do. Its unrealistic entirely. A person of my statue can rarely eat. We process the fod alot slower. The only thing to speed up the metabolism is either a speed laxative or alcohol. Plain and simple. I hate it. I'm always comparing myself to the other girl on my left... and right with C cup boobs and legs the length of Texas. Now that I am 24, almost 25, I've come to the realization of what I can and cannot eat but being around my family all the time makes it three times harder to be myself and actually be happy with my body, remembering that the man I want to be with could have any girl he wanted with or without C cup boobs at his dissmissle. Ugh. Its annoying. Its tough. Guess you could say that I am over it but there is always a reminder that there is someone else out there who is way more beautiful who he could be with.

I wish my mom wasn't as big as she is. For several reasons. We could be alot closer. It makes me realize that she's not happy and as much as I wish I could fix it I know that I probably can't. There are always things our parents dont want to talk about. I love her for who she is but misscommunication has torn us further away the older I get.

7/8/2010

The uncomfortableness of living at home at the age after 18 can eventually become unbearable. To a hypersensitive person especially. Or even of someone with a great imagination. It has pretty much gotten to that point in my life. The fact that my family loves me so much creeps me out. I feel neglected and non respected, unheard or listened to and at the same time overly stimulated in areas of which I should not be stimulated in. Like I'm not being listened to. So fine. Dont take my advice or opinion. this may affect my behaviour in which case you should understand why. Alot of times I feel manipulated and drawn into situations of which I have no control or benefit of being in. I'm on a soap box. Its extremely difficult me living here. I feel like an expirament, not a loving being, much less an adult. Hopefully, my children, if I have any, wont have to feel this way.

Today is my mother's 46th birthday. I made her a Lemon cake with cream cheese frosting. Thats the kind she wanted. And my grandmother is here visiting. We'r about to eat fried fish for dinner.

I really want to get rid of my car and move out and have a steady income that allows me to live a happy life, not constantly having to live in fear that things will be taken away if I do something "bad".

My dad looks like shit. He's too young to be this overworked and tired. Hes worked himself ragged and exhuasted himself in which has allowed him to be taken advandtage of. I dont know what to do anymore because no one is listening to me and it seems like no one is telling me the truth. So I pretty much feel that I have every right to honestly speak how I feel because without truth all we have are lies and disbelief which creates a reality of non existance.

6/30/2010

The spritual, mental, and physical tie between my family and I is absolutely killing me. Being expected to sit at home is just about impossible to do every night. Its left me feelings of selfishness and confusion due to the fact that I can't get a job and I believe its more than just the fact that I am not qualified, I know that I am qualified for everything that I have applied for! And I know that I am worth more than a minimun wage salary! Doing what I thoroughly love and enjoy in life is what I am striving for, however, family politics are keeping that dream from becomming a reality right now.

6/22/2010

I've become selfish again. I've been hearing lies and trying my best to fight them but living at home and not being disstracted enough with something in my life of importance has left me bitter and angry inside. My hurt is being projected onto others. I feel terrible for the way things are going. On my way home last night I kept nodding off. I should have stayed the night at my friends house but I figured that I was fine. But Dallas to Rowlett is such a long drive towards the end the road was putting me to sleep. I feel terrible and selfish and extremely unhappy again. Figuring out the truth and whats most important in life and comparing them as to what makes you a decent human is a difficult task to defeat.

Going places alone has become redundant and boring. I'm accomplishing personal goals of mine but at the same time destroying the childlike spirit my parents have given me. Which I guess can be looked at as a good thing. I am an adult and I hope they begin to realize that adulthood is not about age or accomplishment but a state of mind and understanding of knowing ones true self. Surfacing is the honest truth that we all choose right from wrong. It becomes a pretty intense thing to fathom when life comes at you in five different directions, wanting you to do five things at the same time, all the while you are choosing right from wrong in your head. Justice is something worth fighting for in everyones life.

6/16/2010

I feel like shit. I've been drinking more than usual lately. But I'd rather have a hangover the day after a night of heavy drinking as opposed to constant mental anguish and frustration. Always feeling unsatisfied and anxious because there is knowledge around me that I don't have insite to.

Last night was a blessing though. I met up with some friends I hadn't seen in quite awhile.

I'm still bitter and hurt. I'm trying not to get mad at the things I can't change. There are constant reminders everywhere. They will just pop up out of no where. Its like a defense system my brain uses to keep me from getting vulnerable and hurt again.

I dont know how to make this anymore clear or explain further than I already have.

6/15/2010

A song can never make up for the actions you make.

6/12/2010

I panic alot. Er, I guess you could say that I have mood swings. Everything will be going along perfect and then something negative happens and I dissagree and sets me off. Oh well, thats life right? Sometimes yes, but only if you allow it to be that way. Your reality that is.

I just got back from visiting my brother in Georgia where he graduated from his entry into the Army. It was a long car ride with my grandma and parents but it was totally worth it in the long run. It was a great visit even though I was highly annoyed the entire time. My uncle even drove out from tennessee and spent some time with us. It was nice staying in the La Quinta for about a week. Free breakfast, yay.

One of the nights really got to me. Actually, several of the nights really got to me... every night gets to me. One thought in particular keeps running through my head. Guess its my fear... or maybe truth? But I hate it. There is nothing I can do about it. The time that I have spent apart from Josh has given him plenty of space to spend with someone else. I pretty much am convinced that he has another life with another woman, or even mutiple women and is secretly hiding it from me so that I will sustain living the life that I have, the little that I do manage to have left. Like my dad is paying him to write songs that I think are about me.

Even though I know its not true, this is how it feels.

The other woman of course would be the woman he left me for. Boo fucking hoo, right?

6/07/2010

I woke up from an afternoon drunk early this morning. Around 3am. I had slept through my Sunday night karaoke. I was pissed. I went to the 24 hour gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and sat out front my house waiting for him. I sat outside for about 2 hours. He drove by, that was it. I hoped he would come back but he did not. I layed on my drive way starring at the clouds. I saw all kinds of shapes, faces even. Then my neighbors front porch light came on, and my other neighbor was getting in his car to leave for work, I decided I should just go inside and get some sleep. I felt ill like I needed to vomit, so I did. I still felt sick and couldn't sleep. Alot of questions unanswered once again, this is why keeping faith becomes almost impossible. My mind wonders and I begin to hear crazy things. Things like he doesn't love me anymore and he still loves her, that he's been having seizures, that he's been having sex with his neighbor because they designed it that way, etc. etc. I am fearful of the unknown and striving for the truth. So I put on some music and hope to fall asleep.

6/04/2010

As I pulled into the coffee shop parking lot, I immediately heard "You better come when I call you, Bitch." And then I thought for a second... why am I doing this? How am I going to act when I see him?... I think, probably like a bitch! Then I hear "I dont need that... You aren't good enough. Blah blah, she wouldn't treat me that way." I immediately felt like a dog, I felt ugly as hell and went home. Now I feel seperated and confused. It's difficult to hear his voice and distinguish it from my father's sometimes.

6/03/2010

So... I am at my favorite bar. They have karaoke every Wednesday night. I am waiting to be called on stage to sing. I'm nervous, I'm drinking, I'm alone. I wish Josh was with me. All the time. He's usually here.

6/01/2010

Last night I was invited to a volleyball game. To play sand volleyball... at a bar. Little did I know when I arrived, my friend was there with her girlfriend. I walked by. Didn't see them anywhere. There was no sand volleyball. I left after making eye contact with her and noticed her girlfriend was a bit peaved. They were sitting at the bar. Feeling uncomfortable I left. Not at the fact that she was with her girlfriend but me appearing just made things complicated. I've had a "crush" on this girl for about 3 years now, a friendly crush. I could never actually see myself with another woman- sexaually. It just wouldn't happen (unless there were drugs involved). The feeling, idea, and entire process of the night sank in as I started driving home. I had left my granmother sitting at home to hang out with this girl. I was mad at myself but at the same time felt it was something I had to overcome in myself. Family can hold us back from success... thats what I hear. Thats what they say. Is it true? Was my experience worth it? If it led me to the cure of all illness then yes, it was worth it.

5/31/2010

I hate turning into a bitch. Constantly. Just stating how I feel about a particular situation or scenario, true or false, and not having all the facts presented to me correctly always ends up making me feel like a bitch for viewing it that way. Even if it may or may not be happening. The fact that I have to believe that it is happening, even if I dont want to, gets me angry and I have to analyse what was just presented to me over and over again until I get some sort of answer or understanding from the situation. Sometimes leaving me embarassed or like a total bitch for getting so mad. All in all, I still feel left out and confused as to why I am being left out. I know I need comfort but I just dont want to be touched by anyone. No hugs or anything. I want to express love the right way. The honest way, with the one that I love the most.

5/30/2010

I've come to the realization that the only person I've fallen in love with is a figment of my imagination. He feels more like a mirage than an actual person. Guess I should have realized thats what my father was trying to tell me when I drove through the parking lot and saw a yellow mirage with a dented front end. Josh knocked his tooth loose a few months, now its clear to me how much control my Dad actually has of my life. It's either the fact that I never get to see Josh or the fact that I've come to realize how the imagery in my mind of what love is becomes presented in the physical form as Josh. Having this understanding makes the idea of love seem impossible. Regardless if love is a person, a thing, or the decisions you make, being able to comprehend and not comprehend the imagery in my mind is a very frustrating thing.

5/25/2010

I went to the most frightening concert last night. I really can't explain much. It was one of my favorite bands. You just really had to be there. I guess. Midway through the set I see the words "murder" across the screen in blinking red lights. Yikes. That was my cue to leave. Regardless if it was part of the set, of the show... whoever made the slide show should have known better not to do that. The sad part is the guy on stage might not even have known what the side screens were saying. It could have been anyone at the club... which could potentially do a drastic amount of harm to the band. Especially if the slides weren't approved by the band ahead of time. I remember going to the same venue about a year ago and saw an even more offensive slide show... but of course, I just assumed it was something put together by the band.

I'm pretty sure I saw Josh walk out a few minutes prior to the subliminal message went flying across the screen. Maybe if I saw him more he wouldn't always say that I really dont know him.

5/20/2010

I got my nose pierced today. I dont know if I like it. Maybe I'm just not used to it yet. I think it makes me ugly. I'll probably take it out.

5/19/2010

I had the weirdest sense of dejavu this past Sunday. I was doing the makeup for a hair contest, of stylist friend of mine. After finishing up on the 3 models (it was a very victorian rustic goth look) the stylist and I decided to grab some coffee at a shop in the mall. Its the same mall I have worked at several times, the hair salon also, but a cafe that I had never been to. Right after we placed our order a family walked in behind us and everything around me started to look like a film strip... like I had already been there before. I maintained composure and conversation until the feeling wore off, it only lasted a couple of seconds. I love it when this happens.

5/17/2010

The main cause of war is lack of communication and missinterpretation of information.

5/17/2010

I can't listen to his music anymore... not right now... it just makes me cry. It usually will make me happy. But its too good. Its just too perfect. I dont want to talk about it anymore. All I want are answers. To know the truth. To know that I am right or wrong... and not to be left to go crazy. Not bull shit cover ups or excuses. I am tired. I know that I am not crazy and I do not want to be medicated. Thank you. I am a beautiful child of God who desrves more than what is presented in front of me in life at the moment.

5/17/2010

Sometimes I have good days, most of the time I have bad days. Today has been a really bad day. I feel bogged down, seperated, led astray. Lifeless.

5/15/2010

I'm afraid of getting hurt again. Plain and simple. I dont know how many times I've said this to myself or thought about it outloud but I am truly afraid of loving something again and having it striped from me. For awhile I thought "Hey... this is okay, I can get used to this..." THIS being life at the time. Life on my own with a new boy who I thought I could love. However, I was on drugs at the time. Illegal drugs and prescribed ones. Well, I tried and no matter how much we had been through together, I still wasn't in love with him. Now a few years later, I feel like a child again. I dont want anyone to touch me. I've been through a complete life detox... a constant daily detox and inventory of my progression and regression. It seems to be the same circle over and over again. Same thought pattern, same lust for the life I want. Overcoming the lies of my parents and finding new ways of living that work best for me. So again, I find myself alone. And it comes down to the same question everytime. What is it that makes you happy? For me its like a mirage, or a dream I've had since I was little yet was always told that it wouldn't happen. Its hard to explain exactly or even put into words but sometimes the future we see for ourselves at a very young age is the most prominent in the long run.

Anyways, as of now I keep having flashbacks to the night my love left. I felt it. I didn't know what to do, I was sad. I try not to keep this as a crutch for bitterness and excuse as to why I am so unhappy but I do. Even though I was young and niave. It still hurts. I see this beautiful image of another girl that is not me, not to say that it will not ever possibly be me, but some physical form that is not myself and I get jealous. From that jealous and idealolgy of another girl taking my place makes me imagine 100's of others just as beautiful who could very well take my place and who also have taken that place.

The only thing bringing me back to him is the confidence in hope that that love still exists. The older I become it almost seems like a manipuilation factor my father uses to keep me alive.

I keep asking myself why do I even think that He would still love me? Or even like me!? He told me to leave him alone a few months ago. I keep blaming myself... I'm guilty of loving him. Does that make him HAVE to love me? Or does that in return make him love me? Maybe my idea of love is not his. Its rather confusing and depressing. I loose ambition easily and I become thrust into another world of materialism in which I am forced to portray a character of myself that is unkown to my true self in order to "get by" in life. And at the same time not only am I mad at myself for not being more progressive at a younger age but my spiritual self has taken and 360, turned around, back flopped and back up at a 180. All my ideals that I held as a child have been magnified drastically into something so much more tangile and simplistic to me at the current age that I am in.

When I was in kindergarten, I remember looking up to the older kids in fifth grade thinking to myself "Oh my God! They are so cool! They are so much older, I'm never going to live to be that old!" Hahaha. Now I could teach fifth grade, yet I still have the same thoughts like "Wow, I dont think I'll make it to 30 sometimes... didn't think I'd make it to 21! God willing if I can even have a child of my own." Yeah... day by day I guess.

Even though I've allowed myself to become calloused with jealousy, its the only defense mechanism I've been able to hold onto so that I can overcome all of the negative obstacles that I've laid before me. When that callouse gets removed, I am vulnerable for about ten minutes and it seems that that is all the time my body will allow itself of pure natural ecstacy before getting hurt again.

5/12/2010

While I was working as a receptionist at a chic trendy salon about a year ago, I decided to let them cut all of my hair off. And I mean SHORT. They needed a hair model for a new cut they were learning how to do so I said, "What the heck, I'll do it". I had cut my hair equally short about 3 months prior to this event and I was indecisive if I should continue to let it grow out or not. I had never had the same style she had given me, I felt like a completely different person. I have to say that I liked it a lot until they began bleaching it. I was crying like a little baby in the salon. I felt like a cancer patient going through therapy. I was in the process of quitting smoking too so that made the situation even more bizarre. I entered the salon with a black bob and left the salon a short strawberry blonde. Realizing a month later that the salon wanted me to keep coming in to get it cut, I was a bit unhappy finding out that the price of the stylists cut was around $60 dollars. For the past year I've been cutting it myself and experimenting with different colors of hair dye trying to decide what color suits my skin tone best. I've come to the conclusion that I find my profile too repulsive for short hair. With this in mind, I've decided to let my hair grow. To make this an easier process... I've had hair extensions put it. And I love it! I went to three different beauty supply stores looking for the right shade, thinking I could have them sewn in. The first shop I went to was highly awkward and it made me miss my best friend terribly. I could hear her burst into laughter as soon as I entered the shop. I was overwhelmed with so much hair around me. It was almost like a museum. I had no clue what to get so I asked the guy at the counter for help. He was a nice man who tried to up sale me the more expensive hair. Being too indecisive, and thinking that I was going to have to buy 6 packs of at at $20 each I left. As soon as I got into my car I took off my red lipstick. The second shop I went to was even more overwhelming. Everything was in boxes on the floor. All different shades and sizes, there was a lady sorting at all but she wasn't much help. Again, I went to the counter and the man didn't have a shade to match my color. I left and drove across town to a larger beauty supply shop. I soon as I walked in I smelled vomit. Smelled vomit bad. Real bad. They had just about the same hair. But more wigs at this place. Which almost made me decide to just go ahead and get one of those instead. I could only bare the smell for about ten minutes, it was lingering bad... in the back of my mind I was thinking INCENSE, BURN INCENSE! All the other shops had it!! Again I left frustrated and called a professional I met while working at the salon. I ended up meeting her at her new studio space and she put them in for me. She matched the color perfectly. I wonder how long they will stay in.

5/10/2010

I think my freedom is being stripped from me.

5/09/2010

Constantly reconditioning my life. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 17. I would call myself a regular smoker. This past year I decided to quit. Then, two nights ago, while I was driving, I had a vision of my parents having sex. Not a fanciful or longing type vision but more of a sensation and photograph... a snapshot in time... brought to mind in mid thought of something completely irrelevant. Out of nowhere- at the age of 24!! This had never happened before. I was angry. So angry that I bought a pack of cigarettes. No one should have visions of their parents genitals. No one. I feel like someone should have warned me or something... I ended up taking a puff and throwing out the rest of the pack. No more cigarettes for me.

5/09/2010

My insecurities are eating me alive. Why am I always comparing myself to my better half?

5/06/2010

Jealousy pretty much sums up alot of my feelings. All of my feelings at this very moment. Or maybe even feelings I've had since I was around the age of ten, that I've just held inside and tried to forget about. Primary feelings of jealousy that have begun to eat me alive over the past few years. Whats funny is that I've never thought of myself to actually be the jealous type. I'm usually always happy for the great things others recieve in my life. Just as much happyness I may have for someone else, I have just as much bitterness... depending on what it is. Its hard being the runt of the litter. Thats how I've been feeling lately. I'm trying my best not to become bitter but constantly feeling left out takes it's toll on a person.

5/05/2010

When I drink it gives me the attitude of "I don't care" or "I dont want to feel this right now because it shouldn't be happening".

5/05/2010

Still kicking myself. I finally had the courage to make it to one of my favorite places for Karaoke night and had a bit too much to drink. I woke up in my friend's car with a huge bruise on my lip. Atleast it wasn't as bad as my New Years extravaganza but none the less I still feel guilty for taking that extra shot of whiskey that I didn't really need... my friend Sara and I used to go out every week to the same spot and sing and then after my arrest, all hell broke loose and I feel like I've been locked up in my house for far too long. I miss my apartment, my freedom, my independance. But a little alcohol did me good. Just wish I could remember more of the night. I sang three songs, the first two I remember... the last one I do not. I saw Josh... and a few of his friends. Its hard for me to express the imagery I have of him in my life and how he encompasses all things and brings meaning to who I am. Nonetheless, I did not talk to them... I really can't remember and Sara doesn't either. She puked on her car as we were leaving. This makes me bad company. Again, no more whiskey for me. I should have paid more attention to her.

4/26/2010

It's hard for me to love myself. Every bad thought I have leaves me with a bitter taste for myself. Sometimes I make choicecs for the greater good (so I think) and it ends up back firing and hurting me in the future instead of having the greater outcome I thought it would produce... all these inadequecies create an alter image of myself that I fear he will leave me for. The more my life turns into these inadequecies, I push myself away and hide. I get scared. I cry. I hate it. And I ask why am I in so much pain? Some of these short comings I can work on or change but others are more permanent attributes of myself and I have to live with them and love myself. If I can't love who I am, I can't love anyone else.

Fear is a driving force that can fuel you to accomplish greater heights in your lilfe. Too much fear is a gimick our minds play on ourselves to protect us from getting hurt. I'm at a place in my life where these go hand in hand and I'm doing everything I can to maintain composure from doing something irrational again.

4/26/2010

Everyone should be able to stand back and take a larger view of their life, or current situation... of their worldview. Seeing "the big picture" usually allows one to understand things a little better. Not only to understand their own way of life, but understand other's lives a little better as well. But what happens when we can only see bits and pieces of the large picture? Our view becomes unclear in our surroundings. What if we are only allowed so much to see until we learn more of it then the lens is opened a little more...? Maybe we need to see more in order to learn. With understanding comes the big picture. The older I get, the better I understand my Dad's way of thinking. I learn alot. I see the bigger picture. But I don't always agree.

4/19/2010

I was originally a nursing major. So my mind works in a very clinical type manor. I over analyze what it seems to be, everything, and when I dont cross analyze or think like the bad guy, I lose. And end up feeling guilty like I should have been more forceful or proven more evidence to back up my case. For example, I am given 30 hours of work for my job... I show up for work and my manager cuts half of my hours. In return I feel it is my fault for losing money because I rejected 15 extra hours I could have had from outside managers who called to give me work on the same days in which I was already on the schedule to work. Even though my work schedule was planned a month in advance, if I had called and reconfirmed my work schedule the week before... I may have been able to work the extra hours that had been offered to me. In order to benefit my situation further I have to think like the bad guy to understand the world around me.

Last night I had an epiphany. It was a concept deep down I understood but never actually sat back and made time to rationalize in my head. I've come to realize that the decisions you make are the testimony of your love.

I've been told that you shouldn't ever say what you won't do in the future. However, let me say this... I will never lie to my children. Mental anguish from doing the wrong thing, otherwise known as Hell, is that last thing I want to add on top of my already sickened conciousness. If you think that I am trying to pull the Holier than Thou card- I'm not. I'm being honest. However I am not a liar. If I were I'd be terrible at it and completely see through. Even when I was waiting tables at a steakhouse for extra cash, my manager told me that I would have to learn how to lie. As I child I rarely can remember being dishonest with my parents. It was until I was older and living on my own did I become more screteive with the decisions I chose to make in my life. I'm not saying that I have never told I lie. I'm sure I have at one point or another but I can honestly sit here, angrily, with a clear consious because I feel that I have been lied to. Have I repented? Yes.

Even if a person doesn't know they have been lied to, it still creates confusion in reality which creates dissention which can cause anger and lead to not only distrust but insanity. This could be the cause as to why I have disstanced myself from certain beings in my life. None in particular, just in general. And that goes along with any other kind of "bad" in one's life. You can either be drawn to it repelled. And there are many degrees to go along with this.

What is a lie? Asking someone a specifically direct question and them knowingly giving you an answer oppose the truth.

4/18/2010

I still dont remember anything from this past New Years Eve accept accidentally running a redlight, hitting another vehicle, and then going to one of my favorite bars and meeting up with some friends... and dancing... dancing a lot... alotta dancing.

4/18/2010

He always says that he is here to help me. Help me with what? Really. If he wants to help me, he needs to be with me... more than just in spirit. He may not agree, but he is driving me crazy. Sometimes I wonder if it is intentional. Yes, he has helped me though. I have found myself and felt more without him... and lived in areas and accomplished things that I probably never would have. But if he's just here to help me, they need to send someone else in for the rest of the kind of help that I need. Help... what does that even really mean? Being there for someone else so they dont completely go insane?! Giving a hug at the end of the day? Buying groceries for someone who doesn't have enough money? So many different ways to help the ones we love around us. Helping, building, maturing can also be a form of manipulation. I think that's just human nature. If you allow it, going with intent, expecting to get something in return. If he insists on helping me the way he wants to help me then for me to accept it is to submit to him and only him, then I dont want him helping any other girls! Er, women... woman!

4/17/2010

The smell of his poop doesn't even bother me.

4/16/2010

Even though he told me to leave him alone. He still has found a way to penetrate his way into my life. Mind and soul. But I'm trying to leave him alone. I wish I could ignore him but I can't. My mom thinks that I am obsessed. I try not to listen to her very much. She has crushed my hopes on the idea of a fairytale ending... or the idea of finding true love. She doesn't agree with the way I percieve my reality to be. Or what I believe love is.

Sometimes I think the only reason he keeps me in his life is because he knows that in order for him to get the relationship that he wants, I have to believe it will happen. Regardless if its me or someone else. If he knows that I am a piece of his puzzle who can make certain things happen in his life, he'll keep doing what it is he is doing to me until he gets what he wants. Even if it isn't me that he wants.

After visiting him several times in San Antonio, I decided that it would probably be best if I just moved out there. My bestfriend at the time lived there too. Even though I graduated highschool early, she graduated even earlier which left opportunity for us to grow further apart. I missed her, I missed him, so I decided to leave. A week or two before I actually moved, I get a phone call... he wants to meet me in a different city about 45 minutes from my house. About 450 miles away from his. He was already there. I told him to quit the bull shit and tell me what was going on. He said he wasn't happy and that we were over. He had decided to move back home... he had been seeing someone else. Someone else in the city that was 45 minutes away from my house. I can't even begin to describe my feelings at that moment. Anger, jealousy, betrayal... frustration. Everything at once came pouring out in huge tears. I soon saw my mother's psychiatrist and became medicated. Then I moved to San Antonio and had my first real taste of freedom. That's a very important thing for a women to expiriencne. Independace. I'm not sure if all women get to live through it. I was young, single, and had nothing to do but look forward. I was truly free and didn't care much about anything. I enrolled at the local community college where me and my best friend decided to go.

4/15/2010

I graduated highschool in the top ten percent in a class of about 800. Finishing my courses six months earlier than most, it allowed me to start working full time. I had been a nurse's aide at a local hospital taking care of patients on the surgical unit. I landed this job through a work-study program introduced to me in school. I started working nights in the ICU as soon as I graduated and even began training as a telemetry tech for weak heart patients. My boyfriend was living in a larger city about 400 miles away. I was also trying to take part time college courses while keeping a part time job at a trendy store at the mall. I was smoking close to two packs of ciggarettes a day at the age of 18. Not good. I think it's all the Indian blood in me. The damage I have caused has been excruciatingly painful physically and mentally for me to overcome. Kids dont listen when they're told that what they do effects the people around them. Now I can look back a see all the people I have hurt. And I am sorry. I was lost, blind, pridefull, and niave to alot of the world around me... and still am. Blind to misery and niave for not recognizing it. Pride for falling in love and lost for losing it.

Trying to maintain a long distance relationship soon became my priority. I spent my weekends driving back and forth between Dallas and San Antonio. I made several trips to see him.

4/14/2010

The first and only time I have ever sung an Aladdin song, I ruined what could have been the greatest opportunity of my life. I was afraid of getting hurt again and maybe so was he. It's been atleast 3 years since that night and I'm still kicking myself for it. I got up and went to work the next day like normal, hoping that he would call and repeat what he had said the night before about how he was done dating other girls, how they were all stupid and how he thought it was time for us to try our relationship again. But he didn't call... months went by... still didn't hear from him... I soon turned 21 and that's when I really started drinking.

4/14/2010

We met at an emo show. The band was called Dreaming of the Fifth. He came up and asked me what my favorite bands were. I barely paid him any attention, I was really into the band at the moment. And I had a boyfriend at the time. I was scared shitless. I had seen this guy around a time or two and knew I wanted to know him. Like really know him. I would say love at first sight or even that I wanted to marry him but using those phrases often get overly used and the value of saying such things end up losing their value. We were both really young, seventeen. If he had insisted on me leaving wth him, I would have. I wanted to. I hated when he walked away. I still hate it when he walks away... I ended up leaving with my boyfriend and then breaking up with him the next day.

4/13/2010

I get jealouus... alot. Everything points back at her. I try to forget, I really do. Its hard for me to grasp the things that I have learned. To even try and fathom it all is above my head... atleast I am honest. Give me clarity, please.

4/10/2010

Today is not a good day. Thank you.

4/9/2010

A William H. Macy look a like called me desensitized! I find that to be extremely true and to a dissapointing... considering that I am a woman and I am supposed to be the opposite. It make me dissatisfied with myself and the way in which my life seems to be like a constant flip flop or back bend of somesort, trying to make everyone happy- along with myself! Esecially with the job I currently have, Sales, my Makeup Artistry gigs... and wanting to pursue more of the Arts in my life in which I enjoy the most. Sensitivity is what I need but in a Faithless society how is it that a woman of lower class can excoot those characteristics while bettering herself and her future? I may been desensitized at that moment but when I am able to become myself, I am different.

4/8/2010

The last thing I looked at before I fell asleep last night was his picture. He sent it to my phone months ago. Its all that I've got. I look at it all the time. He has sent 3 pictures to my phone. Two of which he says he was too drunk to remember. That made me sad. I sent him pictures of me. He got mad. I dont send him pictures of myself anymore... we dont really talk, at all, anymore.

4/7/2010

Getting angry seems to be apart of my daily routine. I cry alot. And for some reason seem to feel guilty for getting upset. But I feel my anger and frustration is completely justified at this point. I'm afraid that i'm becoming dependant on whatever chemical becomes released when one begins to cry. Some hormone I'm sure. I dont want to start creating problems or mental insanity so that I have a reason to cry all the time. I just want to know the truth.

When I dont know what is going on, but I think I have a pretty good idea yet no one seems to be talking to me about it, makes me feel like people are intentionally trying to make me insane! And I get lonely and bitter. Very bitter. Doesn't matter how much I love someone or something. That doesnt change the way I feel the circumstances that have come into play to rectify a certain situation. And not that I hate or that I am mad at a particular indiviadual, but at the situation itself. In retrospeck makes me hate myself... for allowing myself to become bitter. For getting confused and upset of not knowing exactly why the things around me are coming into play the way that they are. Sometimes I can accept the reality and sometimes I can't.

But I know it is probably because I am scared that I will get hurt again.

4/3/2010

I don't want anymore soda! I want to be beautiful and clean and healthy and in bed with Josh.

4/2/2010

The nicer the weather gets, the more difficult it becomes for me to imagine not having someone to share it with.

4/1/2010

You gain your new life by living and learning new expiriences together.

3/30/2010

Wishing my brain had a "stop thinking" button that I could turn on and off. Its exhuasting combating your fear every second of the day. And just when you begin to forget about it, oop! something else appears and reminds me of the exact thing I was trying to forget about. The closest thing to a button I guess would be sleep. Which probably explains why I like doing this alot but then when you can't sleep, thats when problems become even more apparent. That button sure would come in handy.

3/29/2010

Everyday it seems like I go through a process of thought. Reflection if you will, or conversation in my head of things that I think about and learn from through out the day. However my thought process for today is over and done and I am left with nothing else to do but wonder why he's not talking to me... and watch cable television... or read.

I often feel like I'm not pretty enough for him. I keep thinking about when I saw him play his acoustic set at the Cavern. He didn't really invite me. Just told me he was playing. I didn't understand why he even told me about it if he didn't want me to show up. But he knew I would go and I did. He didn't even say hi... wouldn't even look at me until I went outside to smoke a cigarette and all he said was "I dont want to talk tonite". Thats fine. I can respect that. He was hanging out with the bar tender. I rediculously gorgous blonde. Natural blonde. Long blonde. Wish I had been the bar tender.

3/28/2010

I owe my life to my brother. He helped me quit smoking cigarettes. Its been about 6 months now. He leaves for the Army tomorrow. I'm sad.

3/17/2010

I went shopping with my grandmother today. Her name is Judy but I call her Mimi. I've called her that ever since I was little. While we were at one of our usuall shops, I found myself in a bind as I browsed the shoe isle. There was a lady to my left trying on several differnt pairs of sandals. I could see out of the corner of my eye that they were all too big for her. I was wearing a pewter color pair of sandals quite similar to the ones she was trying on. They would have been perfect for her! Size 5.5 is hard to find these days, especially if one is on a hurry or doesn't have extra money to be spending. I wanted to give her my shoes. I paid full price for them at a larger department store near by. Maybe even over paid, I rarely pay full price. As I looked over the rack of sandals in front of me, I found a pair that were close to the ones I had on but in a different print... I seemed to like them better than the ones I was wearing. This gave me even more reason as to why I should give the lady next to me the pair I had on! Me and the strange stood side by side frivorously trying on several pairs, not being satisfied with our current state. I took my shoes off and sat them off to the side, hoping that if she really did want them she would just take them from the pile we had of tried on sandals. Or atleast ask me where I got them or comment on if she liked them. But she never said anything so I put them back on bought the other pair with a different print to take home as well! I probably should have commented on the shoes she was wearing and played it off like I wanted them and asked her to trade but I didn't think of it fast enough at that particular moment. We stodd side by side playing cat and mouse for a bit and she finally became too frustrated in not finding a pair that would fit and she walked off. I felt sad, like either I wasn't playing right or just the fact that she wasn't... can't say but I really wanted to give her my shoes. Maybe I lacked the amount of faith to take them off and leave them at the store... but to walk out barefoot? Would that be socially acceptable. Mimi said that would have been rediculuos, that they were my shoes and I earned them.


Shoes are my forte. Mimi's too. If a girl can't find clothes, she can find shoes... and if she can't find shoes- well then, she can find sunglasses!

2/18/10

(2:31am)
P: No I have not ever, And will not ever cover any tattoo I have.

(2:41am)
P: I may have walked away from my Christian beliefs, but I did not forget where I cam from.

(2:41am)
Me: Same here.

(2:44am)
P: We're nowhere in the same ray of beliefs tho.

(2:44am)
Me: How so?

(2:47am)
P: You still consider yourself a christian.

(2:47am)
Me: I can't deny my ezistance nor the way in which my heritage has evolved.

(2:50am)
P: If that's the way you believe, than that's you I guess.

(2:52am)
Me: You don't agree?

(2:53am)
P: Agree with what?

(2:54am)
Me: With what I said. nvm.

(2:59am)
P: Ok well I guess you were talking about some christian bullshit that I just dont agree with. Period.

(3:01am)
Me: I didn't say anything about christian bullshit. [i blame alot of my hurt on christian doctrine and in return use the metaphysical form of my spirituality to define certain people and places in time]

(3:04am)
P: Ok well then I have no idea what your talking about.

(3:08am)
Me: Maybe I need to be enlightened then.

(3:14am)
P: If you need to be enlightened, then you have no idea what I talking about. [that hurt my feelings, this is not how you talk to your lover]

(3:16am)
Me: So you're saying that you've turned your back on your past but you remember where you came from. Is that what you mean? [this is more of a friendly thing to say]

(3:21am)
P: I acknowledge where I spent a portion of my life but I have changed with age.

(3:22am)
Me: Well I'd like to hope that I have too. Science plays a huge part of my belief system now.

I shouldnt have said "I'd like to hope..." that pretty much contradicted what he was saying. I was scared. I know I've changed with age. Just dont/ didn't know if its the person he wants to be around.

Driven by fear is not a good thing. At this point I was sitting out front of his apartment waiting for some kind of sign from God. Completely sober and unaware of what would happen next, I sat in the cold hoping he would text me back. I kept thinking to myself "Don't talk shit about Katie P..." With no reply I turned the car around looking for a different parking spot, when I couldnt paralell park... I gave up. I felt like I was being tortured and that I deserved more. So I left. The last thing I thought was, "She's not the one for you, man..."

(4:22am)
Me: Do you want your book back?

I left the scene approximately 15 minutes after sending this last text message.

2/14/10

(12:03 AM)
Me: Did you get your Paradise tattoo covered?

1/28/10

It's when I get mad and dwell on the things that dont go my way that seperates me from experiencing life at its fullest potential. I dont like that about me. It needs to change. Guess there's still alot about me that needs to change. Just when I think I'm all grown up! As happy as I am, I am sad. As sane as I am, I am also insane and as smart as I can be, I am just as dumb. As much as I am faithful I am fearful.

1/27/10

Is selfishness key for survival?
Or is selflessness detrimental to the holy spirit?
Both I believe.

Fear of the other girl entered when my mom came home...

1/26/10

How can you inflict harm or pain towards someone and not expect for them to reciprocate? Especially if it becomes a constant occuring event. Eventually the pain becomes intolerable and the retaliation becomes sin. Inflicting sin upon someone else who in return inflicts sin is an ongoing occurance that needs to come to an end. It hurts.

1/21/10

The idea that in order for good things to happenn in a person's life, they must initially do "good things" doesn't sit well with me. I think we ALL deserve good things. Why does the world work on an honor system? Not to say that I dont like doing good things for people, because I do. Just not necessarily what I percieve to be good is what the person next to me may think is good. Doing something just to make someone happy when you aren't fully spiritually equipt can be quite crippeling. Or if you mentally or physically don't know how to asess a specific situation... and endures punishment for it? How is that righteous? I understand that there are lessons to be learned in life, but justice is to be met as well. Once the lesson is learned, it's over, you move on- mission accomplished. We morph into something better, your situation grandious, this will allow you to prepare for the next oppurtunity so that you will be better equipt to endure.

1/12/10

Overcompensating intelligence only to find that you have been proven wrong takes a huge blow to one's ego. It shatter's my faith. I even begin to question the basic principles of Christianity that I was raised to believe. I dont think I let my head get in the way. I usually make more sense of Biblical principles when I agree with the scientific outcome. I just really dont like being lied to, that will make anyone feel retarded. Wish I could grasp any form of what is real right now.

1/10/10

I am officially living in a world without earthly signs or direction. It's become pure ambition... vanity? Would living one's life be vanity? To live. After you've given up self ambition. Survival insticts and direction make living a little bit more fun. Trying to listen to my soul. Sometimes I feel weightless. Almost like an angel. Like I'm indestrucable or something. We, everyone should feel like this in life. So is it a must for survival... Or is spiritual enlightenment a choice?

One thing I do know, I hate being ugly. More than just physical, but mentally as well. Okay, maybe not ugly... but in my head I can be quite fierce. AND if you diss my boyfriend it's the quickest way to lose my friendship. That's why I have no friends.

1/7/10

The only thing keeping me sane these days has been cooking. I really love to cook. If I only had more money or time to do it. I thoroughly enjoy and it keeps my attention. I barely sit at the computer anymore, much less watch television. And if I'm just not inspired by anything in life at the moment then its extremely hard to come up with a piece of art that I am happy with.

Its driving me nuts being at home. I think I'm going to escape to Austin for the next few days. Theres nnothing going for me out here. My job is shit hours, I dont have a boyfriend (except for the one I adore from a far), and my parents wont let me out of the house to go do anything except job hunt and buy groceries... So once again starts the crazy cycle.

About the only thing left in texas is to get married, have kids, and get fat. I dont think I'm ready for that. No way, no sir, no how... This is why I have to leave. FREEEEEDOM!

1/4/10

I'm 24 years old and contemplting running away from home. How silly is this. I feel old and retired yet my parents are still insisting on "teaching me a lesson". I have overcome so many obstacles and mental blocks over the past couple of years. I feel completely enlightened and yet no one is taking me serious. Like, what is it that I gotta do to get some recognition around here?! I know I fuck up and make mistakes but who doesn't?! Really?! Thats the way I learn! Not the only way I learn but the most effective way that I learn. Believe it or not- my brain is like a mental notepad. I can relate tons of random information into one single process of thought and make complete sense out of it! Really I can. I'm a great debator too. Thats one of the best ways to share your intelligance. I think its mind boggeling for my parents because they have no clue where I'm getting all of the information I have stored in my brain. They focus too much on the negative and over look the positive. I do the same thing too though... but now I can atleast recognize when I do things that way and stand back and try to make a change for the better.

My Dad said that I was the kind of girl that wants attention and I agreed and said that I needed a boyfriend and he got mad and yelled at me and said that no man in his right mind would touch me. Thats when I started fantasizing about how living in Austin would be such a divine idea for me right now. I should have left yesterday, I should have left tonite... maybe I'll leave tomorrow.

No matter how mad I get at my family, even when I know that they are selfishly loving me, I can't help but to feel remorefull and still loving towards them. They have always helped me and taken care of me... but they have done all they can, ya know? I need to move on and come back and help them! I feel like I'm not accomplishing things that I need to by being here, in their house night after night. They are holding me back intellectually from expiriencing more life on my own and pumping me fearful ideas that are crushing my Disney like dreams.

P.S. never go to the bar alone on New Years Eve, you'll end up taking off your shirt on the dance floor and waking up at a friends house with no recollection of the previous night's events...

1/2/10

Does higher level thought create more negative energy into your life? I'm finding this to be so. If one has feelings of doubt or fear... just those thoughts alone can create it to effect some scenario in one way or the other with the preconcieved idea that bad will come from it.